So DH and I have a different point of view on what constitutes cheating (big surprise, right?). His affair was an EA - cyber sex via text messages, and she sent him a nude picture of herself - they also talked on the phone. He admitted that had I not caught him when I did, it could have turned to a PA - even though she lives several states away (not even within driving distance). He says he has no problem with me calling it cheating, but doesn't see it that way. He says he recognizes what he did was wrong, he shouldn't have done it and recognizes the impact it's had on me. We were talking yesterday and I told him I had always imagined that men who cheat weren't getting sex at home - and we were having sex once or twice a week, so I was surprised at him cheating. He said himself he wasn't really looking for a sexual relationship, otherwise he would have found someone locally, but instead was getting emotional needs met that I wasn't meeting. I said to me that's still cheating because he was having a need met by someone else that's supposed to be met exclusively by your spouse (unlike with a same-sex friendship, for example). He considers cheating to be the physical contact only. It frustrates me and scares me that he doesn't see it the same way I do, because it feels to me like it means less that way. He swears it doesn't mean less. I think he may be in denial as far as not wanting to call it cheating because he doesn't want to see himself as a cheater - even though that's what he is.

So my question is, should I push that he accept that label, or just leave it alone?

This is posted by Steve Harley about answering the question...what is an affair?

Just the other day, I again found myself thinking about the question "What is an affair?" Understanding that the left hemisphere of the brain is used for more logic and systematic thinking and the right hemisphere of the brain is used for more abstract and emotional thinking, here is how I processed the question. (Please, no email offering assessments on possible mental disorders that I may have.)

Left Brain: In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is when a married individual has intercourse with a person to whom they are not married.

Right Brain: No, wait. Must it be intercourse? Or, could it include any kind of "sexual contact?"

Left Brain: Hmm... Alright. How about this: In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is when a married individual has sexual contact with a person to whom they are not married.

Right Brain: No, wait. What about the emotional element. What about the feeling?

Left Brain: Hmm... Alright. How about this: In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is when a married individual has sexual contact and emotional attraction to a person to whom they are not married.

Right Brain: No, wait. What about a "one night stand?" Emotional? Lust, maybe. But, emotional? Apples and oranges.

Left Brain: Hmm... Alright. How about this: In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is when a married individual has sexual contact and/or emotional attraction to a person to whom they are not married.

Right Brain: Emotional attraction? Any emotional attraction? Really?

Left Brain: Hmm... Alright. How about this: In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is when a married individual has sexual contact and/or inappropriate emotional attraction to a person to whom they are not married.

Right Brain: Wait! Why are we doing this?

Left Brain: You know. We get asked this question all the time. People want to know if they or their spouse is guilty of committing an "affair" in order to understand what just happened and then to begin the recovery process.

Right Brain: Hmm... How about this: In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is however the offended spouse defines it.

Left Brain: I hate it when you do that.

(Again, please, no email offering assessments on possible mental disorders that I may have. I already know of them.)

Discussions (or arguments) about what to include or exclude from the definition of marital infidelity is an effective way to get lost down a path where "Left Brainers" typically dwell and where "Right Brainers" typically get offended. The bottom line to the question is, "Specifically, what was it about the inappropriate relationship' that caused the damage in the marriage?" Was it the sex ([insert definition here]), the emotional bond, the amount of time spent together, the physical attraction? What was it? Talk about it. Get a clear understanding. If you don't understand how or why it happened and why it hurt the spouse, the probability of it happening again is very high.

Asking others to define the term for you is not the answer. If you boil it all down, you are left with the fact that you both need to work together in developing a plan to prevent this "beast" from ever attacking your marriage again. If you don't know what it looks like, if you don't know where it hides, if you don't know what its touch feels like, then how will you ever protect your marriage from its venom again?

Food for thought...

I think his answer is VERY helpful. Maybe your H would be willing to read it. As for him accepting the "label" I wouldn't worry too much about what he calls it as long as he recognizes the inappropriateness of his actions.

HTM

Ah yes....that is helpful. I had seen that before, but I'm finding I need to see stuff a few times before it sinks in - evidently that hadn't quite sunk in yet.

So much to take in and learn, ya know?

Thank you!




ETA: I asked him if he understood why it hurt me so much, and he said "yes." So I asked him to describe in his own words why he thinks that is. This is what he said "I think it hurt you because it took something that was supposed to be reserved for us as a married couple, and I took that away. I made it so you can't trust, because if I would do this and I'm supposed to be the one that you can trust then anyone could screw you over."

He does get it.