Quick update...

Kids saw the GF in some pics from our trip to Costa Rica last week. I referred to her as a friend, and waited for my extremely precocious daughter (6 yo) to interrogate me on this friend who happens to be a girl, and... Nothing. Nada. Zip. Just a smile and a "Hmm", and a "She looks nice.". Not a single follow-up question.

"Hmm" indeed...

I purposely did it that way to introduce the idea of a woman in my life. Feeling things out very slowly...

So this weekend I have the kids (next weekend too) and asked my GF is she wanted to come by and meet them. We'd go out for a couple of hours while a sitter stayed with the kids. I gave my daughter a heads up that the woman from the pictures would be coming over to pick me up and she reacted (some might say over reacted) with delight. "Oh yeah! I've been waiting for this day to come!" (She has a penchant for the dramatic.)

I asked her why and she replied that she's been wanting to meet her and to see what she's like. Interesting... I guess she "got it" back when I showed her the pics and she decided to be discrete. You just never know with kids...

So GF showed up, came inside, I made the round of introductions, and that was it. I think it helped that the babysitter is one of their favs and the boy (4 yo) at least was more interested in showing off for her than for my GF. My daughter suddenly got shy and offered up a meek smile and hello, and that was it. We headed on out to dinner. I think I was the most nervous one of all. I was actually shaking a little as we walked out. Weird...

I'll let their mom know tomorrow when she calls to talk to the kids that I introduced them all.

Seabird, since I don't know your daughter, I'm going to assume that she is like other 6 year olds I've known. If she is, I doubt very much that she understands that your friend is more than your friend.

Remember that she's seeing your life through her own experience. She knows you got divorced from mommy, and if she personally knows some other kids of divorce whose parents date, she may have a concept that at some point you'll have a girlfriend. But, right now, you said "friend," and your daughter has lots of friends who are boys. She doesn't even have to think "just friends" because there is no sexual tension between her and any of the boys, friends or not. And, because she hasn't had the experience of being interested in boys as boys, it probably hasn't crossed her mind that you might be interested in your friend as a girlfriend.

All that said, I'm glad it went well. I don't go out a lot when I have my kids, but maybe two, three times a year, I have to leave them with a babysitter or family member. I think it's good that kids know you're there for them, but that sometimes you do adult things without them. It gives them balance.

Green - I dunno. She's fond of these preteen shows on Disney and Nickolodean. Stuff like Hannah Montana and the like... A common theme in those shows is that sort of pre-teen "liking" that occurs between boys and girls of that age.

I had a babysitter come over one other time about 2 months ago so that I could meet the GF out somewhere. As I was walking out the door, my daughter teased in a sing-song voice, "Do you have a daaaaate?". And then she giggled. Caught me off guard.

I'm not saying that she understands the concept of dating or the sexual tension behind it. God I hope not anyway... But I suspect she has a notion of something more than just simple platonic friendship even if all the dynamics are experiences are unknown.

I told her that I'd be willing to discuss it with her if she had any questions or comments. She just nodded and smiled and said, "Okay daddy.".

*shrug*

Whatever the case, I feel a little better about bringing the two elements a little closer together in the future. Maybe dinner together or something in the next few weeks.

I don't know either, Seabird. I'd just be cautious about assuming your daughter's making connections. There's a big jump from teenagers to your own parent.

How did you answer her when she asked if you had a date? Did you tell her "yes"? If so, she may have made the connection.

Dinner sounds great. Does this lady have her own children?

I didn't really answer her. I deflected. It felt too early for me to discuss the matter with her, so I gave her my "stern look" and told her, "That's enough now.". She might be hesitant to talk about it now because of that, even though I told her that she could ask me anything she wants.

And I agree... I shouldn't assume that she's made the connection on her own. I don't know if I should hold back and let her figure it out through observation, or if I should come right out and explain it to her.

Jill, the GF, is a NMNK which makes the logistics a lot easier.

logistics for dating might be easier but not necessarily the understanding for some NMNK people that our kids come first and that our ex's are in our lives forever because we have kids.

Sometimes NMNK are harder relations to have.

Ronda

Understood. I have discussed this with Jill a number of times and she's assured me that she understands and respects my boundaries with regard to the kids. I know that saying and doing are two different things...

It's ironic because she said that the men she's dated in the past would complain about her being a workaholic or her desire to exercise several times a week. The latter isn't an issue for me since I like to do the same, and we can even work RC into it. So far we've been able to work around each others' schedules where she takes advantage of my time with the kids to work, or see her friends. Bear in mind that she's 37 NMNK. She has built a pretty full life for herself with work and a social life, and she didn't date too much before me. At this point, it's worked out pretty well. Only time will tell.

NMNK was one of my preferred criteria for meeting someone. Not that there's anything wrong with single moms. I'm only stating my personal preference. In this state, most divorced parents follow the same standard possession schedule. In other words, whenever us dads have a free weekend, most moms have their kids, and vice versa. Also, the prospect of trying to blend families scares me. I think it's enough of a challenge to make sure a new SO and my kids will be compatible. Trying to then manage the dynamic between two sets of kids... Just not something I wanted to take on at this point.

So I had a "clarity talk" with my DD6 today. Turns out Green was right... She was just thinking that Jill and I were merely friends. I explained to her that it was more than that, and DD6 gasped and giggled in response. I asked her if she was okay with it, and she said "Of course!" and, "Why do you even need to ask me that?". So while I know that this doesn't mean smooth sailing from here on out, at the very least she isn't predisposed against the idea of her dad having a new woman in his life..

I'll let their mom know that the introductions and explanations were made over the weekend as a courtesy FYI thing.

My fiance is NMNK. The big adjustment for him has been 1) having the girls around a lot, especially since the custody schedule changed, and 2) coming to the realization that I take personally any criticism of the children. It can work.

I suspect (you see this in nature quite a bit) that women have an easier time accepting children who aren't their own than men do. This isn't a hard fast rule, and I have no data to back it up. Just my own anecdotal observations...

I'm glad it went well. However, IMO first meetings are usually harmless.

Just curious:


What made you decide to shift your "firm" boundry?

The comments and advice here in this thread. It was recommended that I shouldn't wait too long or get too far into the relationship in case either she or my kids balk. As I see it, this was just a quick intro with very little risk, but it also makes the situation more "concrete". To her: "See, I really do have these two kids and this is what they look like." To them: "See, daddy does have this other person in his life and this is what she looks like."

I will try and expand the connection slowly over the next couple of months. Maybe a very simple and very informal dinner at my house... Or maybe something even simpler, like Jill bringing her dog over and we all go for a walk. I dunno... I'm not thinking that far ahead. I invite suggestions.

The way our schedules are working out, it will be at least another 3-4 weeks before I can put them in the same place at the same time again. At that point, she and I will be well past the 5 month mark, so I don't think I've shifted the boundary all that much. Just added a little prologue if you will.

Ironically it seems that the adults that are usually the ones with more issues.

I think it is important to see if she can blend with your children.

I'm also dating a NMNK's and there can be issues. He doesn't always see me as a package deal. Probably because 2 of my kids are adults and the youngest is nearly 15.

Your kids are younger and probably demand more time and attention. It should be very interesting to see how this comes together.

I find it works pretty well when you don't try to play Happy Family. In other words, there are plenty of times M doesn't come along with me and the girls. We don't pretend he's there dad. And, I try to make sure there is at least some time that M and I have alone.

I lucked out in that M really likes kids and I think enjoys his step-parent role. At the point I met him, he didn't want to have his own kids.

Mmmhmm... I am hopefully optimistic. So far I have led a double, yet transparent, life w/re to the GF. She has seemingly come to accept the fact that I am relatively unavailable to her every 1st, 3rd, and 5th Thurs evening through Monday morning, and every 2nd and 4th Thurs night through Friday morning. So far it's worked out. It's also made me realize that I can't be too demanding of her time either. She has responsibilities that are important to her, and being petulant and angry because she feels the need to take care of other things in her life that don't always include me would not be fair.

So far, it's been pretty equal. With some luck, maturity, understanding and patience, I hope that I can blend the two sides of my life a bit more. A good cooking analogy... I think of it like tempering a beaten egg into a hot batter. Things need to be introduced slowly and in stages otherwise they get all scrambled and screwed up.

Jill has been pretty good about maintaining her own boundaries and being very honest about other things that make her uncomfortable. Matter of fact, I just told her how much I appreciate that from her. But so far, she maintains that my having kids is not an issue and I'm inclined to accept her word on it. So far... I know things can change and my divorce taught me not to take anything for granted.

And my kids have been surprisingly adaptable as well. Here we are a year after the XW moved out, and they're both doing great. I have confidence that they will be able to adapt to this new person in my life.

Curious, does Jill want to have her own kids?

AGG

Funny you should ask. We actually discussed this last night at some length. She said that originally she didn't. Now, she says that it "might be kind of nice".

And your thoughts on that?

AGG

I'm kind of ambivalent. I don't want to rush right out and have a baby today. But if, in the next couple of years, we're still together, looking at M and her age doesn't make it a non-starter (her choice there), then I wouldn't be against it happening.

Hey Seabird, your thread caught my eye...

Have you told your EX yet?

Yep. I let her know that I had made the introductions a couple of days after the fact. That was last month.

She seemed rather...

I dunno... All she said in reply as I was explaining it to her was, "Okay!.. Uh huh!.. Okay!.. Okay!..", in a rather "perky" manner. Like I was giving her good news or telling her about plans for a picnic or something.

I was expecting something else. Something a little more flat and business-like. It seemed forced. Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe she really was happy to hear it. Perhaps she felt that if I have someone in my life, I'd hate her a little less. Or maybe she needed it to feel permission to find someone else herself? I dunno... I don't put too much thought into it. Maybe that's why I didn't update here.

But I've been integrating these two halves of my life a little more each weekend I have them. Jill has been over for dinner a couple of times since then. The first time the kids were actually finishing up their dinner when she arrived then they had desert while she and I ate. They went to bed and she and I watched a movie. The last time, we all ate together. I cooked and she played with them in the living room. It was low key and nice to see. Each night, she went home at a reasonable hour.

This weekend we're going to take them on a bike ride and have breakfast or brunch together. Trying to mix things up a little.