I had originally posted in emotional needs. I've been reading here for awhile now and wanted to post here.

Here is a link to my previous posts.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=151141&Number=2072869#Post2072869

My wife was in a EA with a man who lived in another state. They met when she was on vacation with her friends. This started in 08/07 and I found out on 11/23/07. She told me she was done talking to him and I believed her. I wish I could have that time back. I found out on 06/06/08 that they had been in contact the whole time. I always felt something was going on but couldn't figure it out. I called OM one night and put an end to it. My wife never sent a NC letter, the OM sent her a message telling her he was done that it wasn't worth it. I saw the message for myself.

In my other post I said my wife was leaving. She moved back to her parents house for 2 weeks, I refused to leave. We have 2 girls 6 and 2 years old, I could never leave them. During her time at her parents at one of out MC sessions she let it all out. She said the last time she had talked to OM was 05/27/08 until I confronted him on 06/06/08. They have not had contact since. I dig through everything I can find to ensure this is done. She lied to me before so I know I can't trust anything right now.

My question is, I have so much anger and resentment built up that it's hard to keep it in. I have read Love Busters, Surviving an Affair and am currently reading His Needs Her Needs. She told me tonight that she was having a bad day. She tells me that she wants this to work but she is always saying that she doesn't feel anything for me. No matter how hard she tries she just doesn't feel it. We have been in MC since the end of February.

I have such a hard time keeping my cool and not doing LB's when she tells me she doesn't feel anything for me. How do I get through this time? I know I need to listen and understand and I do that, but it gets hard to keep getting kicked.

Our MC suggested that my wife may have some form of depression. Tonight my wife said that for the last couple days she has been thinking about that. She said she thinks she isn't depressed but that she knows what she wants but just hasn't done it yet. I asked her what that was and she couldn't answer. I said just say it we are supposed to be able to talk openly. She said that she doesn't think she wants to be married anymore.

I don't know if this is still part of the fog. I just don't know how to go about getting through this.

Hey Noname,

In a short reply, yes it is still the fog.

Also, don't educate her. She is still so foggy she won't get it. As far as her saying she doesn't feel anything for you, you need to learn about "loving detachment". YOu have to keep this thick skin on a little longer. She is going through withdrawl she is still early on in it (you and I are on just about the same time line here. My dday was 11/2/07, NC started 5/06/08....only my sitch is full-blown affair...).

The only thing you CAN do at this point is try to meet her EN'S, no LB's and spend 15 hrs a week together. Try and have fun.....LOTS of it...not necessarily romantic stuff, just some plain ol' silly fun......

Its hard, I know. I am right with ya partner. Keeping those LB's down is the hardest part, especially when resentment and anger and hurt is still so very much raw. But remember, this will take time....loads of it.....

BTW....what EP'S do you all have in place???

not2fun

Thanks for the reply. I will read your posts.

Sorry but what are EP's?

EP's are Extraordinary Precautions, meaning is she being transparent?? Do you have access to her emails and cell phone??? What about her cell phone bills??? Does she account for her time???

Those are necessary for recovery to truly begin. Without them, how will you know the affair is over???? (I'm reading through your thread right now....me's thinking you are behind in the game....but let me finish reading before I say anything else...)


not2fun

ps..the first link is my second thread, the second link is my VERY first thread...I haven't sorted it all out yet...

I've found your story and am reading it now. I am able to see her cell phone and the bill, I have also seen her email account. She works from home but we are in contact at least a few times a day. I always know what she has going and she always knows what I have. We always share our day and what we have tomorrow.

This is really hard and last time I posted here it gave me some strength to do the right thing. So I'm hopping for more of that here. It helps hearing others stories and advice.

Ok I just read your thread....and you are gonna get some 2x4's here, but they are needed......

First off, you have NO EP'S in place, so you do not know if she is still in contact. The way she is talking, I would bet the farm she is still in contact.....

Also, as long as this has been going on, I would like to say that I bet this is also a PA. If it were only a EA, OM would have given up LONG time ago. Us women, we like the "emotional" side of things, men only for so long.....

The bad news....this has gone on so long for you, that your anger and resentment have built up. This makes what you need to do that much harder.

The good news...there is still hope, that is if you are willing to do it. And if you don't that is completely understandable too....


First thing you need to do is buy "Surviving An Affair"..Read, learn it, memorize it....it is the "bible" for which this website is built on.

The next thing you should do, is decide whether you want to continue in Plan A for a while (what you've done so far is good, but not stellar...plus you missed a few important KEY steps....) or if you want to go to Plan B. But you can't waste too much time deciding what to do....

Anyway, it can be done. I am proof of it all......I have been through he77 and back and some days still I get to "re-visit" it....

Our time-lines are pretty close, but I lucked out in that I bought SAA a week and half after DDay. I decided to look at the websight after reading it (which only took me about 5 hrs.....) and found the forums. I lurked for about 2 weeks before making my first post, and the VETS and others around here helped supported and guide me through that difficult time. It sucked, but I wouldn't be where I am today without this place......

So stick around.....there's hope for you yet....

not2fun

PS....AND WHATEVER YOU DO....DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THESE FORUMS.....SHE IS FOGGY...SHE WILL USE THE INFO TO GAIN YOUR PLANS.....I MADE THIS MISTAKE TOO EARLY AFTER C-DAY....IT DELAYED "TRUE RECOVERY" BY A COUPLE OF MONTHS......

Ok then, it sounds like things have changed since your other thread......

I still say NC took place later than what she says, but that is not really too important.

Yes, this place is great for helping find strength. I would have never been able to pull off everything I did without it.....

Anyway, yes, she is still in the fog, and like I said, it is still early in WD. Give her time. When she brings up the M, change the subject......like this

WW: "I don't think I can do this anymore"

BH: " Me either, wanna go get some ice cream???"

or

WW: "I'm not sure I feel anything for you anymore"

BH: "I'm not sure I feel anything for me either. Wanna take a walk???"


Just confuse her or change the subject and get out and do something.....

not2fun

I have read surviving an affair.


The first time I posted, I don't remember who it was, but they said my wife was in an affair. I thought when I read this, there is no way she told me it was done. Whoever that was, was right on, she was still in contact with him.

I really don't believe it is a PA because he is in another state and I can account for my wifes place every day. I know I cannot know who is around when I'm not but I don't think it has gone there. The crap she is feeding me now I guess I should look into it more.

I will never leave. My parents divorced when I was young. I cannot ever leave my girls. I refuse to leave, we got married because we were in love with each other. After reading these books and this site I truly believe that we can get back to that point. I am just looking for help getting back there.

That sounds good. I just need this kind of support.

Thank you.

Well, I was in that frame of mind for a long time too. Turned out I was wrong, thanks to some very wise people here who promted me to dig deeper. And the whole "he is in another state" doesn't matter. So was the COW in my sitch. Didn't stop them at all. And how do you KNOW he is in another state????

Anyway, I must say, usually when I read things like this my gut lets me know something, and in your sitch I am not getting a feeling one way or another. I suppose it is up to you to decide what you think. What is your gut telling you??? My gut said all along that it was a full-fledged affair, it was my heart that believed otherwise.....I learned that my gut is pretty darn good.

I guess what I want to see is that do not be "surprised" if you learn down the road that it is/was a PA. Multiple Ddays suck......but keep your chin up.....

not2fun

not2fun is onto something here. If the only proof you have that he is in another state is from what your WW tells you, she could very well be lying through her teeth.

Hopefully you have some concrete evidence of him being in another state.

I see alot of BS's saying "in another state" around here. Couldn't "in another state" still mean 1 mile away? Just food for thought.

Maybe by another state they mean "in another state of mind"......lol

Seriously, we are in the midwest and the COW in my sitch was in FL.....Affairs no no-state lines.....

not2fun

I have his cell phone number and the phone number where he works. They are both out of state. It is a couple states away so he's not close.

When my wife finally came clean with, as far as I know everything, she said OM had talked about getting together for a weekend so they could sort everything out. She has never been away for a night without me since this has started. From what we have talked about and what I have found and know. I don't believe this has been a PA. If they would have ever gotten together during this time I have no doubt that it would have gone there.

Here is an email she sent me today. She has been really short with me the past couple days. The fact that she is saying she is confused makes me think she is in contact with OM again. I don't know if this is just part of her withdrawal or not.

I'm sorry I have been so moody I'm just really confused right now and I don't know what I want. I just want to stop feeling this way. Please don't stop trying even though I give you no reason to keep trying, I've got to believe it's going to get better. I do love you, it's just something is missing and I don't know what I just have an empty part inside me.

I am just trying to stay positive and meet her needs but it is really hard some days. We have plans to go out tomorrow night and right now I'm having trouble wanting to even go. I'm just so tired of dealing with her going back and fourth.

I really don't think they have seen each other since they met. I also never imagined my wife would ever lie to me like this. If I were to find out they have seen each other I wouldn't be too surprised.

WEll, hating to burst your bubble, but my WS only talked like that when there was contact. Even in WD, he doesn't talk like that. I don't know though. It maybe slightly different for men and women....but this would be sending red flags all over the place...

Can you install a keylogger on your home computer???

not2fun

I have been thinking about the keylogger for the past few days. I think I will do it this weekend.

Everything she said in that email is what she was saying when she was in contact with him. I can see that, I just don't know how to prove it right now.

All things my WW said while she was in her PA.

She claims that she has not had any contact with him. She said that she wants to call him. Everyday she says she feels this way. She says she wants "closure". He technically broke it off since he sent her a message telling her not to contact him anymore.

I hope she is just going through withdrawal, but I feel they have made contact again. I am going to look at her emails this weekend.

No. No. No. This is not "closure". This is I want my fix! It'll sustain me for a little while longer if I can just hear his voice or read his words.

Nope, don't fall for it!

What needs to happen is a NC letter (no contact) written by your wife, approved by you and mailed by you. It's an almost business-like letter that says, I regret hurting my husband, I'm going to commit to my marriage and to never contact me again. Ask someone for a sample. That should be the only "closure" that happens. Doesn't matter that he ended it, the letter is for YOU and for your marriage. Who cares what he thinks about it.

Anytime there is contact (except for the NC letter), you revert back to DAY ONE and have to start ALL over again. Do you really want that?

Noname,

OM will want to see your wife again at some point (he is male), and there is nothing in your post that gives me any reason to think that she will not oblige him. If she isn't still seeing him, she will be soon enough if you don't nip this thing in the bud. Stop listenening to what your WW is saying (she is a liar), and start doing what is best for you as far as protecting yourself goes. If not, I'm afraid you are going to let your WW drag you into her nightmare with her...don't let her do it to you.