Ok, here's a recap of my story:

WH asked for a divorce at the end of May - no explanation - just said he couldn't do "this" anymore. On June 30, I found out that he was having an affair and decided he wanted to throw away our 11 years together because he planned on starting a relationship with OW. You know, same story all around with waywards. WH moved out a few days after I found out about the PA. Again, standard stuff...I exposed to OW's H on July 5 which threw WH and OW into a tizzy!

WH and I have had limited contact since then - mostly scheduling when he can come to the house to pick up more of his things. I am always pleasant while he is there and walk away when he tries to start arguments or talk about "us". Each visit ends with a hug (which he initiates).

On July 31st, I was served with my divorce papers. WH seemed shocked when I told him I was served. But anyway...just yesterday, I received a voicemail and emails from WH saying that he wanted to talk. He is having second thoughts now. In my absence, he has remembered the good times we shared and he now recognizes that he was impulsive and gave that up. This is the realization I wanted him to come to back in June and early July! I knew he had to come to it on his own, but that was when I was so willing to work on saving my marriage.

Now, I don't know if I want him back anymore. I picked myself up and brushed myself off! I began to move on. I feel that things went too far. He moved out and I've been on my own for a month and a half. He began splitting our assets and belongings and served me with divorce papers! That was the final reality to put me into the "ok gotta move on" mindset. I have started to heal and I don't want the wound to be ripped open again.

I know there is no magic answer on should I or shouldn't I take him back...but I guess I am looking for some advice from people who have been in similar situations. Thanks!

I would move on. Chances are he got dumped by the OW and now he wants his safety net.

IF you decide to give him another chance...YOU set the conditions. A post nuptial agreement that he gets NOTHING in the event of another affair. He submits to a polygraph....and whatever else would make you feel safe and happy.

Personally, if you are not 100% sure you want him back and feel ready to move on...do it. If you want to save things, protect yourself and be prepared for a difficult recovery.

Is he worth it?

I wouldn't even want to talk to him unless he agreed to intensive counseling.

Good point! He should seek counselling. I did after he asked for a divorce because I wanted to take care of my well-being...and it has helped ground me.

Thank you for the post-nuptial suggestion medc. I wouldn't have thought of that.

You also pose a great question..."Is he worth it?"

I actually don't have an answer to that. In the past, yes, I would have said definitely without hesitation. He can be a wonderful person - fun, passionate, good sense of humor, loves talking and telling stories. But, as many couples do, we lost sight of all the good in our relationship becuase of every day life. I was becoming an "all work, no play" person...I was always stressed and was sad a lot. I surely didn't like who I was becoming...so it's not worth it for ME if that's what I will fall back in to if I take him back. Definitely a question to give much thought to. Thanks medc

Spins,

This is very telling;

"I have started to heal and I don't want the wound to be ripped open again."

That wound never does actually heal as you "recover" your M and the "previous betrayer" is now sharing your space again, as a CONSTANT reminder.

AND I am not sure if the word "RECOVERED" will ever apply.

There has got to be such an unconditional surrender on the WS's part to whatever demands you require of him.

Plus your love bank is totally empty.

Can he fill it? Can you trust him?

Goes back to IS HE WORTH IT?

You have your "get out of the M free" card.

NO KIDS.

A great weight can be lifted.

IMHO

kirk

I would definitely move on. You are already over the hardest part, and if you take him back it will only get harder and use up your precious time that you have while you are still young.

You don't have any children yet, so use this time to learn from MB and find someone worthy of you. So many wonderful guys out there. Don't waste your time on this one.

Been there, done that...

Mrs. Write

I wouldn't be so quick to jump. You have 11 years with this guy and the fact that you and he are six weeks off in the "let's fix this marriage!" timetable is enough for you to throw it away?

"They" say not to make any big decisions for six months. You need time for the dust to settle and to figure out what's what.

I say don't agree to reconcile and don't proceed with the D. Just hear him out, figure out what your terms are, and take it a day at a time.

The post-nup is a great idea. I'd also figure out other conditions I needed, such as GPS on the car, access to phone records, key logger in the computer, etc. Whatever fits your situation that would help him attain and maintain transparency and accountability, and would give you a bit of reassurance.

I understand about not wanting to rip open the wounds again. The trust isn't there - and it's up to HIM to earn it, it's not up to you to give it. See if he's willing to earn this marriage back.

TJ/

Mrs. Write, I realize you are in pain about what YOUR husband has put you through, but there have been LOTS of marriages recover, even young marriages without children, with the help of MB. Perhaps you should read through some of the many threads here where marriages WERE recovered by using the MB plans and advice before you post again. You may have a different outlook.

Just sayin...

/TJ

But you see, you came to the right place to learn how NOT to fall back into that same place. Your choice whether you want to try. There are lots of folks here willing to help.

I'd say this is the best advice, wait and see what happens.

There is no reason you can't try to date your H and see if you still want to be with him.

He filed the divorce, so he can pull it at any time.

So why not just wait, and see what happens in the next six months or so.

Princess Meggy, I'm glad you highlighted that passage; it caught my eye, too.

Spins, whether or not you fall back into that rut does NOT depend on whether or not you move toward marriage building or separation. It depends entirely on your learning how you got into that place, what behaviors of yours allowed it, and how to change those behaviors and make the changes become habit.

Spins, I have a very personal question for you, and you may not wish to answer. Do you by any chance have a friendship with someone, that you think could turn into something more, if you divorce WH? I'm not saying you SHOULD stay or should NOT stay. I'm just surprised at how quickly you are healing.

It is NOT AT ALL typical be to be healing so quickly, and just wondered if perhaps you are fidning comfort in a male friend. (And no I'm not suggesting that you are in an affair, just asking about a close friendship.)

After you respond (if you do) I will continue my train of thought and give you my opinion, if you are interested.

Wow! Thank you all for the advice and thoughts. I especially like the idea of him putting the divorce proceedings on hold and waiting 6 months to "date" again. I am not sure that he would be able to make enough deposits because we were already in the red before the PA...

I also don't know if WH will be receptive to MB and the principles - specifically, he didn't agree with POJA and openness & honesty previously but maybe that was the fog talking. He recognizes his impulsiveness, but at the same time, I don't think he thinks he needs to change anything about himself. For instance, he asked his sister (who I speak with) if she thought I was making steps to change myself and if he should give me a second chance...never mentioned that he needed to change or that he screwed up and I should be the one deciding if I should give him a 2nd chance!

I think the fact that I am young and have no children is definitely a thought in favor of moving on. I can't imagine getting back with WH and having a child then dealing with this again.

For those that are in recovery or have recovered...do you really feel like you are living? Like, if I have a GPS or keylogger, I dont really trust him and it's no way to live for either of us. I've questioned if I would ever feel ok or if I'd constantly be looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As for my comment about "falling back into a place where I wasn't happy with what I was becoming," yes, MB has helped me realize that only I am responsible for my feelings and I need to own them. I am carefree and fun loving when I'm around family and friends, but around WH I became high strung, negative, and, well, boring. It's like WH and I are at the point where we only bring out the worst in each other which is what I meant by that comment. Does that make sense?

Thanks again for the insight...this is not something I want to take lightly.

First off, if I was, I wouldn't consider it an affair because (and I know this is debateable here) my marriage was over when WH chose to begin a relationship with someone else - especially when he made it clear that there was no chance of reconciliation and filed for divorce. I have not considered him my husband since I found out about the PA at the end of June.

I have many close friendships with male friends. None of those friendships will go further! Yes, there are a few guys that are interested in me but they also know my situation and that I am not looking for anything right now.

Maybe I am healing "so quickly" because WH had separated from me and our marriage little by little over the past few years. I've also had wonderful support from friends, family, my therapist, and MB. Everyone's thoughts have given me such clarity...I feel confident in myself and have come into my own since I've been officially separated from WH for this past month and a half.

I would disagree with this for one reason. If YOU had or have any thoughts that you will try and recover the marriage, it would be cheating in my opinion. Until you reach the point of 100% comfort with the decision and KNOW there will never be a marriage again, I suggest caution.

The FACT that you have MALE friends that are interested in you speaks volumes(it is a few of the friends that are interested, right?). I assume that these are not NEW friends that all of a sudden appeared in your life. If that is the case, why is a married woman maintaining anything but appropriate friendships with any other people. Having a MALE friend that you know is interested in you is disrespectful to your husband and your marriage. The point is most likely moot now as you have decided it best to continue with the divorce proceedings initiated by your husband...but it is something to consider for future relationships. I wouldn't even date (let alone marry) a woman that maiontained that type of friendship.

I haven't got a clue about Spin's specific details, but I would like to come to her defense regarding the male friend thing. There could be a number of reasons she has male friends that are not "new" male friends that would be completely appropriate. I can list my own male friends that I knew while I was still married (I'll stick to single ones - we had many married couples as friends that included the male counterpart).

-At least half a dozen guys in my baseball league. These would be long time players - Wstbx and I were in the league 10 years. No less than 3 showed "interest" shortly after my separation. This is not to say they acted inappropriately, tried to pick me up or whatever, but did send out a "vibe" or whatever.

-3 men at the barn where I keep my horse. One is gay. One is old enough to be my grandfather and the other is young enough to be my son. We do, however, share interest in horses and I consider them my friends. None of these showed interest, real or perceived.

-Work, including former colleagues: probably the least "close" of any of my male friends (not trying to imply I'm close to the others but these would be the most distant) but I've maintained excellent professional relationships with current and former colleagues. All knew about my situation, all were supportive, only the creepy guy hit on me (he was a creepy guy before this happened as well).

So true, Spin may have had inappropriate relationships with men but not necessarily. I know this board tends to jump to conclusions that way - and you can't blame us for that since we've all been affected by infidelity - but that doesn't mean it's always the case.

For those that are in recovery or have recovered...do you really feel like you are living? Like, if I have a GPS or keylogger, I dont really trust him and it's no way to live for either of us. I've questioned if I would ever feel ok or if I'd constantly be looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I feel like I am TOTALLY living.

My H is my best friend in the world. We laugh together, share the workload, lean on one another in tough times. I feel very safe with him. He makes me feel protected and cared for. He spoils me rotten and shows me many ways, every day, how loved I am. Our marriage is a joy (even when I want to pinch his fool head off )

There's no guarantee that your M can recover as well as mine has. There's no guarantee it won't be even better, either. It will depend on how much both you and your H are willing to work toward establishing trust, enforcing boundaries, meeting ENs, eliminating LBs, and doing POJA when a decision needs to be made. Also on how well you learn to communicate your dissatisfactions to each other and how adept you become at hearing those dissatisfactions without being defensive, and how good you are at taking action so the dissatisfactions disappear before they grow into a real problem.

I wouldn't tell H "I'll give it six months" -- I'd just tell him you'll give it a try and cautiously see how it goes. I'd stick it out for the six months unless he does something heinous. Then at six months I'd look back and see if I felt like progress was being made. If so, I'd keep working on myself and the M. If not, I'd feel like I earned the right to bail out of the situation. But I'd give it six months of *honest* effort, not six months of "I'll do this so it looks like I tried."

I must say that from where I sit it does look like you're ready to move on very quickly, and makes me wonder if you have someone else in mind already. You have the right to leave, certainly - when your H cheated on you he pretty much gave you a free ticket out of the M. However, I think if you jump into a new relationship without taking a bit of time to work through this one (either with or without your H), you'll be doing yourself a disservice.

To clarify to medc and everyone else...I had thoughts of reconciliation UNTIL he moved out in the beginning of July. Him leaving was the nail in the coffin for me...and being served with the complaint just hammered that nail in even more. After those two events, I had NO thought that there would ever be any sort of reconciliation, let along a marriage again.


Before you jump to conclusions, again I should clarify. I have appropriate friendships with my male friends. I have always had more male friends than female friends. My best friend and I have been friends since we were 3! I have a few other friends that I've been friends with for 10-15 years (some of them are also friends of my husband too). They are like brothers! I am friends with a few male co-workers also who are married. There are many instances where a woman having male friends is not disrespectful to her husband! In my experiences, people never believe that platonic relationships exist...I don't understand that.

As for the friends that are interested in me...some are new friends that I met recently AFTER I decided that it was time to move on. One is a friend from long ago that I lost contact with because we had a past and I wasn't comfortable speaking with him out of RESPECT for my husband. (Oh, and this friend from the past, although he told me he was still interested in me, I am not interested in him)

I hope that clears things up.

Thank you Tabby for coming to my defense before I was able to clarify my male friendships.