Hi all,
we've been married for 12 years now and through out most of our marriage, I've been the irrisponsible one with different issues (legal and emotional) that have tried and tested out marriage. She's come back and helped me work though my issues and rebuilding her trust.

Back in '06 a man/friend she works with confessed her "love" to her and his explicit sexual desired for her. She did kiss him and told me she regretted it and in turn used that energy to try and refuel the fires of our relationship and marriage. We were very sexually active for a short while during which time she became pregnant with our second child. The pregnancy brought up some issues that prohibitted love making, but I was ok with that. About half way through the pregnancy I was laid off and she subsequently got a huge promotion. It was a no-brainer that I could and should stay at home and take care of the kids instead of working just to pay for day care.

Over the course of the past 3 years, our lives have become much more stable and I have worked overtime on getting rid of my issues and avoiding thier triggers, which has made me a better person.

Fast forward to this past March and my wife starts to feel a little distant from me and begins to desire sex less and less claiming that it was work stress. I tried (as a guy would) to convince her that it would help with the stress. But she started pulling back and away from our entire family. I know she works hard but I couldn't figure out what the change was at that point. I was wrapped up with household, kids, chores, and the nuts and bolts of our home life 100%.

Then towards the end of April something in my gut just really felt wrong. I knew something was amiss and tried to talk to her about our relationship and marriage but usually to no avail. I tried to initial some sort of sexual contact but was getting rejected at every turn and decided that I could take care of those needs myself - and got caught.

So then all of a sudden everything crashes down that I've disrepected her, lied to her, broken the trust and I got blamed for building the Berlin wall. The emotions and windfall that came forth were way out of proportion for the offense. I tried to simply explain that I still have feelings and desires for her that she wasn't meeting, but that just made things worse. My desires for her seemed to grow the further away she pulled and withdrew her touch and affection.

Within days of the conflict, I started asking hard questions about what was going on why she had been so reactive towards me and everything started to fall into place. It wasn't about the imagery, but trying to start a fight. She had been seeing the guy from the year before on the side. They were having lunch everyday and were spending time and energy on each other. The OM has had a previous affair and lives in a loveless marriage, and I guess his previous choices were coming to light again. I was monitoring her cellphone use and following some emails and discovered the depth of thier relationship which was pretty much a full on affair without the intercourse. Lots of touching and kissing, talking and sharing.

She told me that she just wasn't "IN LOVE" with me anymore but that she does love me and care for me (which makes no sense to me) She left for several days in June as some sort of trial seperation but she still called on the phone 3-4 times a day which doesn't allow much seperation. During this few days I noticed a call (from an unknown number) on her cell at 5:45 in the morning for several minutes. I asked her who the number was and she tried to brush it off. I told her I had not called the number yet and would give her the chance to tell me who it was. She again brushed it off as telemarketting. I explained to her that there wer laws governing when those calls could be made and that if it truly were the call wouldn't nave lasted 5 minutes. I finally accepted that she didn't would tell me, so I told her I was going to call the number and put it on an internet trace. She came clean and told me it was the other guy. I LOST IT and another argument insued.

We've had several long cenversations since and she says nothing has changed for her in the past 3 years, whilie everything has changed for me and I thought we were happily married just a couple of months ago.

She has quit seeing and talking to the OM at his point, but only as of the past couple of weeks. I wrote her a couple of very heartfelt letters and she said she would agree to some sort of coucelling/help and try to work things out and rebuild our marriage. But she is still intentionally withholding any affections and all amotions from me. In the past two weeks I've read the Mort Fertal books, Dr Laura, and been reading all the info here. I'm trying to make the efforts and take somefirst step, but feel like she just knocks everything back in my court with some emotionless volley.

We can't affourd for her to move out and she doesn't want to move in with any of her friends for any amount of time. I do so love her and want to work things out, but it's beginning to feel so hopeless. Thanks for letting me vent.

Does this ever get better? And how long and how many attempts should I keep working at this wihtout her input and stepping in to make some sort of minimal efftort?

#1 she's most likely lying and has moved the affair underground.

You need to get a voice activated recorder hidden in her car at once as she is now going to yak it up with him on the way to work.

This needs to happen TODAY!

No matter how bad what you hear is, gather undeniable evidence as she is going to turn into a hate filled alien and call you insane, then the source of ALL of the problems in the marriage.

She has ZERO respect for you and is going to show it in force really soon.

You need to brace yourself for the incoming broadside from her.

Hey Philip.

Start reading everything you can here about Plan A, Plan B, Emotional Needs and Love Busters. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair as soon as you can. I would strongly recommend you getting an appointment with the Harleys as soon as possible.

Understand, that as long as they work together the affair will continue. It may not always be "hot" but it will continue to smoke and will eventually start again. I have not seen a single example on these boards of a recovered marriage happening if the adulterers remain at the same company. That includes my own marriage.

Is the OM married? If he is then this needs to be exposed to his wife as soon as possible.


As long as they are in contact at their employer, you will make NO progress at all.

The adultery must end and No Contact for life must be achieved.

Sorry you had to come here. Read everything. Call the Harleys. You need a plan of action and they know how to do this.

Oh, and based on what I read in your post, the adultery has crossed every line of fidelity. Be prepared to find out your WW has had sex with OM and probably multiple times.

Until you know for sure, do not have any SF with your WW. If you do get to the recovery road, you will both need to be tested for STDs.

It gets better and better doesn't it?

Pariah is spot on ... in addition, I'd suggest that you get a DNA test on your youngest child as there is a definite possibility that it may not be yours. WW's are the most evil of creatures ... there is little that they will not do to protect themselves and justify their actions.

PLEASE DON'T DISCOUNT THE ADVICE YOU ARE RECEIVING!!!

NONE of us thought that our WW's were capable of doing some of the things that they did ... unfortunately, yours is no different.

There it is, he is married.

You need to expose to his wife as soon as possible.

Who said it is a loveless marriage? Your WW? The OM? They both are proven liers.

Truth is like you, OMW may think everything is fine in her marriage.

She needs to know, and exposure is your strongest weapon to kill the adultery.

Exposure is like a big ole can of Raid.

It kills affairs dead.

The first step is for you to quickly (very quickly) come to the understanding that you do not need your WW. You would prefer to remain married to her and recover, but YOU DO NOT NEED HER.

And then when you believe this you need to sit her down and tell her that. She NEEDS to understand that you do not NEED her.

Drop all clingy, begging, moping behaviors now. Don't follow her around telling her, "I love you." Don't talk about the relationship. It is a waste of time right now. She can't hear you and will use anything you do say as added justification for her behavior.

You will survive without her. Believe that. Then make her believe that.

Thanks for all the advice, at least now I've gotten over the knotted stomach and am getting some sleep again.
One of the things I've seen mentioned more than once is not making the most too quickly.
I'm trying to let things settle for a couple of months (while keeping a sly eye on her doings)




I've thought about this a dozen times, and just haven't done it.
I do still follow her cell phone usage, and she hasn't talked to him on it for about a month now. (I wonder if she has a new one I don't know about)





maybe I'm making excuses but the only saving grace is that they work at completely different locations about 3 miles apart. She doesn't use her cell to talk to him anymore, so I guess she uses her office land line.
One of my biggest tell-tale signs that she is moving on from him is that for those 3 months she came home late from work nearly every day, but in the last month, she's only been home last twice which was up to par for her job in the past.


oh, and YES, he is still married.

HR needs to know immediately, fraternization could be a BIG no no.

You are almost out of the threshold of exopsure, you really need to gather some good solid evidence and expose to OMW IMMEDIATELY.

OMW turned out to be my best ally in killing the affair, OM dropped XW like third period French.

Part of the glory of coming here is getting the first hand experience of people who have been, or are, where you are.


So here is my story. WxW and OM work at the same company based out of facilities 60 miles apart. I exposed to OMW, WxW immediately declared the adultery was over, went into withdrawal from OM and said she would seek a new job. She went 21 days of NC (did little to no job hunting) when they had a management meeting at her office. OM was of course there. When she came home that night I knew something was wrong and she admitted to the contact but of course she said they never spoke or looked at each other. Five days later she left. Three weeks later she filed for divorce. Four months later I was single. She is still with OM.



You need to take No Contact very seriously.

Your WW may truly be trying to maintain NC. If this is so, she no doubt thinks that if there is unintentional contact that they can handle it. The are both adults right? What could ever happen? My WxW thought that too.

TxPhilips,
What does this statement mean?


Was this a *ahem* solo operation or were you starting to look outside your marriage for those needs?

Good question Andrew. I initially just thought of Seinfeld’s “master of my domain”, but I can see validity in your question.

Umm Yeah, this was a solo operation

Have you given any thought to going back to work? I hate to say it, but the thought of a "house husband", while appeasing my feminist ideals, is sort of disgusting and unmanly. I want a man who supports his family and this is what most women want. Do you feel like she respects you as a man?

I'm not opposed to going back to work, but the idea of having to make $11.75 and hour just to break even with the day care costs doesn't even seem productive, not to mention that since DW is not very domestic we'd have to hire some sort of house cleaner so now I need over $12 and hour and we'll never even get to spend one penny of it on anything except services that I'm taking care of while being at home.

The more I thin about your post, the more I realize that it's people like you who degrade the entire concept of a Stay at home DAD. I work hard and longer hours than any "employeed" person I know. I never get to go home from work. I go to bed at work and wake up at my place of work. I put in about 100 hours each and every week and have two bosses who's schedules and needs are entirely different.
I have to ask... do you really place having a husband who can finance you as one of your highest needs? Are you a stay at home parent?

The question wasn't to degrade you, it was to help regain your wife's respect.

Right now she has absolutely ZERO respect for you.

Period.

Becoming employed and the ability to NOT NEED or RELY on her always sends a message.

What are your plans to expose to HR department at OM job?

When are you going to gather solid evidence to present to OMW?

This needed to be done last month.

Pariah,
She claims that the OM quit his job abruptly about 2 weeks ago and that she hasn't spoken to him. (I sent him and email that bounced back and his ext has been disconnected) They did work in different departments so there are no HR rules about the fraternizing (in fact it's rampant there) I don't have any solid evidence as to what my gut tells me happened, so I don't have anything to present to the OMW.

"it's people like you who degrade the entire concept of a Stay at home DAD"

It's people like you that do not realize as others have told you here that WW's lose respect for their stay at home dad and cheat on them.

A woman needs to feel that a man will provide for her. It's not about not needing more money. It'a security need to be met. That their husband can provide for them. Not that their husband cleans their toilet bowl.

You need to expose this PA. From what you have said about your WW cutting you off. This affair has gone physical.

Expose to OMW, human resources, WW's parent's, WW's siblings.

WW must go NC with the OM. She must leave her job. She can no longer work with the OM if you want the PA to end.