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#2109704 08/14/08 03:41 AM
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I am new here (obviously) and not familiar with the lingo so go easy on me.

*big sigh* Here we go... I have been married for 9yrs. We have 2 kids 3 and 1. My H is in the military and was gone for training. When he came back he was different. I confronted him and after about 2 days of side stepping he tells me he doesnt think hes in love with me anymore. We talk and I end that night telling him to do what he has to do and i will do what i need to do to make it work. The next day he drops the bomb. He tells me in order to be fair he needs to come clean and he tells me that he has cheated on me 4x in the last 6yrs. The most recent while he was gone. I had always told my husband that if he EVER cheated on me that i would be gone. I start packing up and me and the kids head to my parents house out of state. We continued to communicate though and to my and his surprise extremely cordial.

I come to the decision that i will return a week later and that i want to work things out. I should say he never asked me back. Which should have been a huge tell for me but i digress. I get home and he is out of the house. We continue to talk and he tells me he wants to work on it but being this broken shell of a man thats all mixed up b/c he doesnt know if he loves me and if he can get past the guilt of hurting me, us, the kids he will give what he can but its not much. I accept.

One thing we have going for us is outstanding communication. On a level we never had throughout our marriage sadly. I, think i know why the affairs happened. Our marriage was never bad but it wasn't good either. We were not affectionate enough and he says after so much rejection from me he feels he fell out of love with me and thats the only reason he can find to explain why he did what he did.

My H tells me that he has 2 fundamental questions that need to be answered in order to move forward in whatever direction it may be. #1 Can he get past the guilt? and #2 Why did he do what he did? Tonight he seemed to answer #2 with i guess i fell out of love with you. He tells me that he loves me but he not in love with me (I hate that line!) He tells me i am a great mother and a great wife but he just doesnt love me but hes trying to get it back.

My gut tells me to walk, my heart tells me to give him some time, my head tells me to not make any rash decisions. I told him i would wait it out a little bit in hopes that we can work it out. I was hopeful but after tonight i am much less. I feel like i am hanging on to a very fine thread. He is in counseling and we are going to be attending marriage counseling on the 23rd.

Any words of wisdom would just be appreciated. I hope i didnt leave too much out. Ask and i will answer as best as i can.

TIA

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Hi there...

I am sorry you find yourself in this spot.

Someone who repeatedly "solves" a problem by having an affair does need to do some real soul-searching, IMHO. So, I am glad he is in counseling. And, I do know of people that have recovered after multiple affairs.

Have you read the articles on this site on infidelity? That would be a good place to start: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

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Welcome to MB! Dr. Harley's concepts are a great source for you to work on your M if that is what you choose to do. I don't see how it can hurt you to give it your best effort.

Can the both of you counsel with the Harleys? That would be a great step. Read up on all the articles here that you can, purchase Surviving An Affair and have him read it as well.

There are questionnaires here for Emotional Needs and Love Busters. 2 very important parts of Dr. H's concepts. If you already have communication on your side, this exercise will help both of you answer alot of your questions.

Put a plan in place and stick to it, including counseling and evaluate the final decision of stay or leave after you have put some hard work into it.

Of course he has to agree to No Contact with any of the OW and not having a repeat A. Without that, your efforts will be fruitless.

Good luck!


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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thank you for replying.

A few things have changed. After my last post he came home and told me that i have 100% of him. That he wants me to forgive him. I thought this is what i wanted but i am confused now. I feel like i am doing a majority of the work with little in return. I almost feel like i have relinquished all my power and i am a doormat.

We were talking about things every night and we havent talked about our relationship in about a week. I almost scared to ask.

I just dont know if this is what i want anymore.

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You have to have a plan. Can you counsel with the Harleys? If not, you need to read up on the articles, purchase the books, something that gives you tools to work on Recovery. Something that you can share with your WH too; otherwise, he may fall back into his old patterns.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want and to discuss this. It's much worse if you brush it under the carpet. You need to get to the root of how it happened and what needs to be fixed to have an "affair proof" marriage.


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....

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