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Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
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from the beating that she recieved from people here You're kidding, right??  I read her post and thought she got some real good advice and suggestions. There was no attack on her. Did you or she think she was going to post and be told she made some wise decisions? That an affair was a logical choice since she wasn't getting her needs met? That an OC is no big deal and her BH should just suck it up & accept it,,,AND the OM included in her life? The road from infidelity to recovery is tough. Add an OC to the mix and it multiplies the problems. It does NOT mean it's impossible. Far from it. We have MANY success stories on MB and from the P/C forum. But it does take WORK. Alot of it. And the willingness to learn from the past and plan a new future.
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
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You do not want advice.
You only want to hear confirmation for your non MB ideas to be endorsed.
Unfortunately your lack of experience here shows.
Trust for WW must be earned, not given.
NC. Only complete and total NC. No excuses, reasons, justifications, logic.
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
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I feel for you, T. You are headed down a dangerous road of the A re-igniting over continued C and you trusting her before she has earned that trust. MB has a great program for recovering marriages. You are at an advantage in the OC situtation because you can raise the child as yours. In my situation I have zero, zip, zilch control because the OW gave birth to the OC. Mom controls the situation where children are concerned nearly all the time.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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I was going to tell my wife about this site when I first found it but honestly after seeing in general how people that are WS are burned at the stake here I desided not to. I still wanted to use some of the information and forms and exercises on this site with my wife on our own because I could see that they would be helpful but I knew if my wife started posting here and got a 2 x 4 to the skull that she would not care to listen to anything that this site has to offer. When people come here asking for someone to talk to about there issues especially when it comes to an Affair they are scared, confused, embarrassed, ashamed. This is for both sides. They certainly don't need to be meet at the door with a baseball bat and bashed into submission. I am sorry if I sound harsh Do you sound harsh? No, you sound frightened and lost. Instead of directing these uncomfortable feelings you have toward your WW (who you should not trust) - you direct these negative feelings toward the good folks here who are not being paid to offer free opinions to all comers. Insulting us, this site, or free advice seems pointless and more than that, is distracting from the very real problems in your marriage. Really, don't you see how this pointless hyperbole of yours ( burned at the stake) is a way for you to deflect your negative emotions onto others who are here trying to help your marriage recovery? Keep this up long enough, and no one but newbies will care to respond to you. They certainly don't need to be meet at the door with a baseball bat and bashed into submission. If I went to a forum and really felt I had been met at the door with a baseball bat - I would not hang around to complain about it. Your comment is nonsensical. Pep
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Where in these responses is the aforementioned baseball bat and burning at the stake ? Welcome to marriagebuilders. The thing is, you need to have no contact with the bio dad at all, if you hope to save your marriage. He is an interloper in your marriage. He has no rights to the child. If he wanted to be such a good dad, he should not have been with a married woman.
Sounds like you also need intensive counseling. Because hubby sounds like he has problems too - the gaming, no bathing or brushing his teeth, no interest in sex.
But it sounds like you are still foggy and are secretly in contact with the bio dad. Is that what is going on? Your story sounds familar - perhaps I have heard from the other side.
I might be confused with the wall of text.
I would say you sound foggy with some entitlement. If the bio-dad is a better father - what is stopping you from divorcing and joining his family with the OC?
so what do you want - a husband to provide for the household and a boyfriend to provide the SF? I cannot believe that after you come clean with the adultery and want to R, you shut off the SF.
Is the OM providing CS or you letting your husband provide the $ to support the OC? You know what you have to do right to work on your M?
NC to the OM. Yes there is OC in the picture but like believer said you cant contact him. If he is such a good person then why did he mess with a married person????
What is BH views on the OC and OM interactions? Im sure its eatting him up more then you can believe.
Theres alot of work YOU have to do to have your M survive. It sounds like he wasn't meeting your ENs. He ws ignoring you an the family and in a way having an affiar with his video games. I know what it's like. I've been there. It's almost as bad as porn addiction, but not as repulsive. You get frustrated when you are working your a$$ off around the house and H is playing games day and night. AND not even taking care of his personal hygene or giving you any SF. No it doesn't not justify your affair though.
It sounds like he wants to work on the marriage and it's good that he wants to raise the baby as his own. Is he willing to go to MC so you can work out the other problems that led up to the affair? You obviously still have issues with him. Maybe the affair woke him up and made him realize he was not there enough for you. You will have to decide is you really want to make it work.
I don't see what benefit there would be to telling your kids about the affair or that the new baby is the product of one. If your H wants to raise it as his own then do that and never say a word. It will only cause more pain and anguish in the whole family. There is always a chance the child will find out later but there is a chance it may not. If you tell the child (and the other children) early on, you may risk them not accepting the child and a true sibling and the baby may feel never 100% part of the family. Mercy,
I know this may sound harsh to you,but you have been only thinking about yourself for so long, you have forgotten who you are and where you are. You are still in contact with OM, you and OM are continuing to conspire to cheat your H out of making a decision about his life. In short, your lies have hurt many people, perhaps you should try the truth.
Right now you are more worried about OM, than you are your own children with your H, your H, or even your marriage. If that is really how you want it, file for divorce and tell your H the truth, so he doesn't have to pay child support for a child that is not his.
As you can tell, I think your priorities are all wrong. You are looking for a painless or less painful way out of this mess you and OM created and there is none. Your familes will be devastated. Your H is already hurt and will be hurt more. If you lie and continue the lie about this child you will have shown the ultimate of disrespect for a man you describe as a "good" man.
You need counseling, you need to be honest, and you need to decide who is in your life, OM or your H. They both cannot be your focus. They both cannot be in your heart.
Dear Lord I feel sorry for the children of your marriage, they are going to be torn apart. I feel sorry for your H, he is being sold down the river by a woman that has no heart, no conscience (if you had one he would know by now, you are not protecting him, you are protecting yourself.)
Mercy, do some reading here, seek good counseling and above all give your H a chance to decide his own life without your lies, tell him the truth. If you suspect he might become violent, then do it in the presence of family, clergy, counselor, or friends.
There are people on this site who have been in your situation. I would strongly urge you to post in the pregnancy section. Call out to Tigger, and Autumn Day, they have been where you are now.
Please calm down, get counseling, and start to protect someone else besides yourself.
God Bless,
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Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 1,094
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T,,,,,,,, you are very clearly feeling the strain from your situation along with the advice that seemingly isn't eactly what you wanted to hear. in an open forum like this you will definately hear some things that are what is refered to as "2x4 across the skull". i know it's hard but try not to take EVERT thing writen to you personaly. most replying have either walked in your shoes or heard many a story here. they have read the MB beliefs and agree with them.
so my advice to you would be 1st and foremost......READ the MB principles. IF you "can wrap your head around" them (and there will always be some that will not work for YOUR specific situation) then you will better understand where the replies are coming from
2nd,,,,,, try researching some of the father's right groups and contact them for information. YES I KNOW $ IS TIGHT FOR YOU. but many of them have FREE consultatiions and I am sure that there are some FREE groups that will help you.
3rd,,,,,you have mentioned your belief in God and the Bible several times. maybe you can go to your church and get some mc there. most offer FREE mc for members. if you don't belong to a flock maybe you and your w could consider joining one.
now here are some facts...
1 - trust for your w must be earned back not given blindly.
2 - your w's insistance on om being part of oc's life is disrespectful of you UNLESS YOU are in agreement with that and have a plan on how it will work
3 - your w is still deep in the fog proven by her insistance on om's feelings over YOURS
4 - some may 2x4 ME for this but,,,, om's c with oc can work BUT UNDER VERY STRCK BOUNDARIES, it will however NEVER work the way your w is trying to convince you of trying it.
5 - for c to work things have to be done above board through the courts
6 - yes i know $ is tight for om also BUT if he is going to be part of oc's life then he should be responsible in the minimum way and that is financial.
hypothetically look at it this way ... say you try going forward in the marriage the way your w wants to. things have their ups and downs for a couple of years and finally the marriage ends in D. now you are finacially responsible for oc for the next 15- 16 years.
i came to MB 6- 7- yrs back, my w came here also, she recieved the same replies and advice that your w would recieve here. actually i think there were perhaps some more verbally agressive women back then that bashed her pretty darn hard.
but because of that bashing she gave up on the site. you see she couldn't pick out the positives and ignore the negatives.
why am i bringing this up? because even though we have moved 7 years past oc and in MY MIND the A is long gone, and i have no doubt that my w is out of the fog of om we still have some big EN issues. IMHO it is because she refuses to post on forums here or other sites like this and get some of the tools needed to work through them. and with 8 kids, 5 grnd kids (8 within the next 3 weeks) 2 boys in college, a senior dd in hs, a 13 yo dd and the baby i know how tight money can be.
That is where sites like this pull their weight. true no where NEAR the benefits of a professional mc but definately worth the price. at least in my book.
listen bro,,,,,,, you are in a very tight spot with 2 dozen donuts and a big ole glass of chocolate milk in front of you. so it isn't going to get easier. it takes a lot of work from BOTH you and your w to get through this. trust me i know 1st hand.
with yours and your w's emotions running all over the chart i know how hard it is to read some things that are written. but if she can draw the strength to give this site a 2nd try and ignore the TRULY negative and attacking replies your marriage may have a fighting chance. maybe she and yo can get clearance to the Preg/Child (Private) forum and that may weed out some of the harsh replies. BUT DON"T EXPECT all replies to be in of the feel good attitude
me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
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