How do you know their is no rules? Because your cheating WW told you so?

Can't believe her at this point. Expose all especially OMW now.

TxP, I would talk to your wife about the work situation. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing and perhaps she needs to understand your role a bit better. For ANY woman to not respect a stay at home dad is somewhat hypocritical since most would frown very heavily with any such slam against a stay at home mom.
That being said, pay attention to what is being said here. It is possible that she feels this way...or, she could have other reasons that make her feel entitled. There are plenty of stay at home moms that screw around while their husbands are at work. People are trying to help you and even though I think their opinions are archaic at best, they might be right about YOUR wife.
Any wife that can't respect what you do really isn't worth fighting for in my opinion. You are providing for your family...just not in the way that others think you should.

Do what's best for your kids and family...talk to your wife...expose the affair...find your nuts and man-up.

She's lying. They are ALWAYS lying.




Time to stick the voice recorder in her car immediately.

You need to demand the phone bill and give a copy to OMW immediately.

Philip,

Remember these are opinions from posters. They aren't fact. They don't define you. What hits your soft spots shows you where your spots are inside...and you may have had this fear yourself, so ML's post hit it.

Your thought process in your response is right on...you began to evaluate how you were taking ML's opinion and where it was coming from.

Up to you to know and affirm that being a stay-at-home parent is the toughest job there is...for anyone. Also one of the most rewarding. It's why women were amazing and then sought-after in business...the multi-tasking, management, coordination, self-control and motivation, trouble-shooting--all that you said...is an executive level position.

With priceless reward. Please know this so this won't be a button that hurts when some stranger on a public forum gives their opinion.

And remember...a WS will use anything at all to JUSTIFY their actions...even if they POJA'd you staying home when they were your real spouse, and not in a wayward fog. The justifications are the key...hear them and know that's the fog...use your skills to discern fake crying from real hurt (like you do with the kids)...you've got the experience and the ear...trust yourself.

Expose to OMW anyway...she may have the proof you don't. You won't know until you tell her what you know, 'k? Do it because you want to live in radical honesty so you gotta act from it.

I wonder if part of why you were identifying her EN for appreciation (also in admiration) is because you have not felt appreciated? Just wondering...A's are totally selfish...as you got the creepy feeling, part of it was coming from what your WW stopped doing...and when we stop acting from love, we stop feeling it.

Which is why Plan A keeps your love bank going when a WW is doing nothing but withdrawing...and why Plan B follows Plan A when the balance is dangerously low...so I would like you to consider doing a different kind of act of appreciation.

You feel remorse for your neglecting your real W, correct? What you've learned this year was a wake-up call...so you could do an amends list...where you specifically state what you did, why you did it (the old thinking/justifying), and why and how you won't do it again.

I did these in seven emails to my WH...took my time and really owned my stinking thinking, terrible acts...and why they were...and how I was now protecting the marriage from my weaknesses.

Did it make a big BOOM into earth shattering change? Yes and well, no. For me, huge...incredible...along with doing a resentment timeline, it had the most profound impact. On WH? I didn't see the surface ripple...which was terrific because I didn't do it to get him to feel, think, believe or perceive differently.

Doing it helped me to see where in my old pattern, I would base my choices on his possible response...my Giver would sabotage and betray me and I'd take it out on him...so owning and amending what I'd done in the past finally got me to act to my own code and let the outcome go.

Which is what Plan A truly is...where you shine...to bring reality, you gotta know it.

You can do this...there isn't a more manly and amazing gig you can get than fighting for your marriage, owning your own stuff and thriving.

And if you don't know you're already gutsy and brave, you'll know it after you act brave and gutsy.

LA

thanks for all the insight

I've learned so much about my marriage and personal relationships and even more about myself in the last 2 months

((jealously looks really really really bad on me - LOL))

FWIW, I don't think what a BS feels upon discovering that their WS is having an A can be correctly described as "jealousy".

No, I make more money than my husband and have a successful career. [he makes great money too and has an admirable career] I just find the notion of a dependant husband to be sort of .......unmanly and revolting. But that is just me. Maybe your wife respects a man who doesn't have a job and is dependent on her; I wouldn't.

If you can get past your offense, you might want to take an honest look at this aspect. When I supported my last H, I grew to develop enormous DISRESPECT for him and admired men who went out and held down good jobs and supported their families. I never respected him when he stayed home.

I am asking you to look at whether this might be an issue with your wife. Because it WAS an issue for ME. I lost all respect for my H. A woman's love for a man is very contingent upon the respect she feels for him.

I thought from his initial post that they both jointly agreed that he should stay home and take care of the kids in lieu of daycare. That and I'm assuming the OP doesn't have a degree that he can use to demand more money or find a job that pays enough to defray the costs of daycare.

TxP, become a teacher. I've found this is an awesome way to be both a provider for the family and spend the summer playing a SAHD.

Ditto what medc said and what LA said and what kilted said.

Think about it.

He's staying home because of circumstances, not because they sat down and decided for him to be a housewife. I'm sure he does do lots of stuff at home, I remember how hard it was. But it doesn't mean his wife wants to support a house husband. I know I wouldn't. He is home because he was laid off, not because they necessarily desired this situation.

I would take a real hard look at this aspect, Philip, because I know that it does effect marriages. Most especially it can effect a womans respect towards her husband.

yes, the circumstances were put in place that created the environment that we now live in where I stay at home. I am not a house-husband, I'm just a husband. But there was a joint decision that I would remain home and raise our two darlings instead of finding another job. I did work some between the layoff and the birst of our second with the understanding that I wasn't out making tons of money but helping build up some savings for the month after when there would be no income. We lived under these circumstances (I thought happily) for months before her affair started.

maybe she has lost some respect for me due to my being home and not earning a paycheck. I'll have to find that out and the remedy is easy enough, but the respect will take some time.

as for my job prospects, I don't have much diverse experience or a higher education that I could demand much of a paycheck.

Have you thought about working parttime and going back to school? With the way universities are set up, they have fast track classes where you can finish a class in a month, they have online classes, you can go one day a week, two days a week, etc etc

Personally

I think ML has a point. Its a point I find disgusting, but one that has been repeated over and over and over ad nauseum. I thought it was a an old wives tale that woman love money and guys who can make a lot of it....but anyone with REAL HONESTY knows that it IS NOT an old wives tale.

Its just been spun a bit. I find that the woman who list money as a main important point (sorry, that disgusting to me.) will NEVER say they want money, they say they simply want "security". I guess it all depends on what your meaning of "sex" is.

Money SHOULD not be that important. And IF there was nothing wrong with having money at the top of your WANT list, there would be no need for calling it something else,like SECURITY. Past generations got by with so much less. What many people see as SECURITY AND NECCESITIES are, in reality, luxuries. Like riding lessons, ballet lessons, martial arts, 3 cars, vacations, second homes, brand label clothes, eating out....etc. These are all NICE, all enjoyable, but hardly neccesities.

Bud, if youre wife makes more, than it just makes sense that you stay home. And your wife will probably agree with that. And then years down the road, during troubled times, she will blurt out how much she disrespected you for not earning enough to allow for traditional roles. Again, ML has a point. And its truly an UGLY statement about many, many woman. (Please,I am saying many, many, NOT ALL).

My own wife told me that OM made double what I did and it made him "the perfect husband" and hie wife "didn't appreciate him".

I made enough to support us and double what my wife was capable of, but she wanted more. She wanted to be carefree like her sister that is married to the attorney.

Now I have a job more than equal to OM and flaunt it through the grapevine as often as I can. I "accidentally" included one of my pay stubs in the financial disclosure.

gaba, I just wanted to point out that financial support is a legitimate emotional need with many people. It is just as legitimate as sexual fulfillment.

See, for me the need is not financial support, though. IT IS RESPECT. I have a strong need to respect my H. I respect my current H, I had no respect for my XH, to whom I was married for 20 years and I supported almost the entire time.

I have supported myself since I was age 17, I had it ingrained in my head to never ever depend on a man for support so that is not the issue for me. I don't want someone to support me although I am very very grateful for the income my H makes. He also handles all our money and pays our bills. I love that!

I RESPECT a man who makes a good living and is self sufficient and that respect is very important to me, because I can't love a man I don't respect.

For me, it was a matter of respecting my husband and him respecting himself. Sure, we pretended in my last marriage like there was no difference between men and women and like we weren't bothered by the fact that he stayed home and I earned the living. But we were bothered by it. VERY BOTHERED. He lost respect for himself and I lost respect for him. I couldn't even stand for him to touch me for years.

I NEVER EVER told him I felt this way in those entire 15 years. AND THAT WAS A MISTAKE! Our PRETENSE destroyed our marriage, in hindsight. I never said anything because it was not POLITICALLY CORRECT TO FEEL THAT WAY. We are supposed to feel like the roles are interchangeable. But..... I did not really feel that way. And he did not feel that way. It caused a loss of respect in our marriage.

I wanted a man who was a LEADER. A man who made a good living and led our family. A man I could LOOK UP TO. I grew sick and tired of being the head of the household. I hated it.

So, I don't know if this is an issue in Phillip's marriage, but it was in mine. And pretending it away on the alter of political correctness is not the answer.

Yep
I have to agree ML.

Money is way important to people. And so is the ABILITY to make money. Me, personally, think MONEY is LAST on the pole of importance. I ALWAYS will. It played a big part in my marriage, and I will ALWAYS be sour about that.

Yep, people sometimes pay a big price to be "stylish" (Thats a movie line, I just don't remember which one)

Here's what I'm getting out of this from reading the posts:
OP got laid off. OP's W got a huge raise and was making a lot of money. If OP can't find a job that pays more than $11.50 an hour, then they're spending more on child care than he is making from working which means they are now spending more out of pocket by OP working than if he stays home. So they jointly agreed that he'd stay home.

I'm not really sure if it'd be financially smart for him to work if it costs them money for him to work due to child care.

If she enthusiastically agreed it'd be better for him to stay home and then doesn't respect him for doing so, that's not his fault; it's hers.

Now once the kids hit the age where they enter school, then he goes back to work. Or even better, goes back to work and school so he can get a degree and find jobs that earn more money.

You know what? It matters not whose "fault" it is, though. I also agreed to support my H for years. But guess what the price was? I lost all respect for him and fell out of love. He lost all self respect from not working, no matter how convenient and practical it was. If that is the case here, it doesn't matter if they agreed. What matters is if they are in love, otherwise they won't have a marriage.

The best interest of the children will be served by 2 parents in an intact marriage and he needs to protect his marriage. It might be a cost savings today to stay home and babysit, but that will not compensate for a divorce.

during one of our (WW and I) many conversations some of this did come up and I told her that I didn't feel like college was right for me but thant when our youngest start school I'd like to go to some sort of trade school and learn something really useful (like electrician or something)

without going into specifics, I'd honestly need to earn a degree to earn more than her at this point. but once the kids start school the day care issue goes away too


ML, I have not lost any respect for myself for being a SAHD and I don't babysit, I parent. I have other interests and when I feel I need a "manly" moment I go out and do some woodworking in the garage

Txp...this stuff is really a bunch of bullchit. You and your wife agreed to this arrangement. Don't worry about what other people think you should be doing. YOU deserve as much respect as ANY stay at home mom. Anyone that tells you otherwise is flat out wrong and sexist to the 10th degree. Your job deserves as much or more respect than any other job out there. I would say the same thing to a woman choosing to take care of her kids. On top of that, it doesn't make financial sense for you to go out there if it will result in a stranger taking care of your kids for more money than you can make.

Women like to have it both ways with many things in life...this is one of them.


you HAVE earned a paycheck. It is half (if not more) of hers because without you, she wouldn't be able to do what she is doing.

If your wife would not respect you over something like this, I say good riddance to the woman.



I earned 21K my first year as a cop(1986)....not a good living by any standard. My wife earned 50K. I guess I know why she had her affair now. Mystery solved.

I know people that make a million dollars per year that aren't 1/1000th of the person of a stay at home mom/dad.

Being a leader has nothing to do with how much money you make.