Well we are at 14 weeks from DD and all I can say is that this is going to be a long road. TTH and I are doing okay although there are so many things going on besides the whole affair to work on too.

We presently are in the midst of a foreclosure and we are not sure where we are going to go. We both decided that it would be a good idea for TTH to look for another job so that is underway also. We are pretty much looking anywhere along both coasts.

We found 89 dollar tickets each way across the country so we are going to take a couple of weeks with some friends to decide what needs to happen.
I am going to sneak away with TTH for a couple of days somewhere in the middle so we can have some alone time too.

I want with all my heart for us to be right again and feel close. I realize it's a long hard road and sometimes I feel like I can't see which way to go. I want so bad for him to feel that I am trying though.

I know I hurt him so much with my betrayal. Sometimes I feel like there is no way that anything I do is going to make it better, but I realize that I need to put that aside. It WILL get better as long as I am doing my part in the recovery process I have to focus on this and make sure I am doing everything I can. There have been times (especially recently) that I have just laid in TTH's arms and wept because of the hurt I have laid on him. He didn't deserve it one bit and I know this.

TTH says he believes in me; that I can give my very best if that's what I want, and it is. I can't imagine my life without him. We are meant for each other. I really believe that with all my heart.

I would like to renew my vows to him and I wonder if I should wait. I have mentioned this a few times before and he doesn't act like he is all that into it right now. I can certainly understand why not, so should I hold off and wait till he might better accept it or should I just be bold and show him that I am taking charge and want him to know that I really want to renew my vow of love to him?

Is it too soon?

I think sometimes my not knowing which way to go causes me to do nothing because I want it all to be right and I know that is wrong too. This is a problem I have, not just in this situation, but with anything in life and I have to make myself make some sort of decision.

I thought maybe you all could give me a little insight to the renewal of the vows.

Yes, wait.
2-3 years at the soonest

the resentment cobwebs need to be completely clear before either takes new vows

We never renewed our vows.
I don't believe it is necessary.
Live in ways that uphold your original vows -

New vows will not erase marital history - and will not necessarily strengthen today's marriage.

This is one woman's opinion.
I've read equally valid opposite opinions.

Pep

I see your point. If we did do it I would want him to know I mean it and that's probably not going to happen right now.
I think he wants to believe me, but understandably he can't.

Make certain H feels honored/respected/admired/adored/appreciated/cared for

oh - what was that other one --- ????

oh,yeah

loved

better to live the vows every day than to make a big to-do over it

Pep

SH said that it would be really hard to help TTH heal because I was the one that caused the pain, although I am the only one who can. If it had been someone else it would be a lot easier to rally against it.
It is difficult knowing that the person you love is in extreme pain over the actions you yourself chose to do.
I am trying to remain strong and not "ride the wave of emotions" every time the roller coaster drops. Some days I find it easier than others. TTH needs to see that he can lean on me and trust that I will be a rock for him. Am I on the right path with that?

There is not a day that goes by that I don't tell him how sorry I am.
I don't think there is a minute that goes by that I am not angry at myself for what I did. I regret everything that transpired. I wish I had made any number of different choices.

I cannot wait to have some alone time with him.

Sometimes I have trouble just talking to him. I don't know what to say. There's such a huge thing between us now and it makes everyday conversation difficult. I am so ashamed of what I did that sometimes I think that "why would he want to talk to me?"
I know this is wrong. I feel timid I guess. I don't want to say anything that might hurt him or be misinterpreted.

It's tragic because this is what I enjoy the most-talking to him. It was never hard before. I guess this is just something that needs work like everything else now.

My goal: to grow and flourish and be better than what I was before. To learn from past mistakes that were made and to accept that while things might never be the same, they can be better.
Forgiveness has to be earned and I am up for that challenge.

One thing that I read on a paper that TTH gave me: It was the difference between guilt and remorse.
This isn't exact but it said something like this: guilt is self hatred for ones actions, but remorse is the ability to forgive oneself eventually.

I know that someday I can forgive myself. I will have to prove to myself that I deserve it, but I will. I can never be the wife TTH wants me to be if I can't walk around with my head high and be the best wife I can be.

Do not underestimate the male need to feel admired. (catch my drift?)

You are on the correct path.
You are doing the right things.
Things will slowly change.

Here is my advice du' jour for you

keep a journal
record at minimum 5 POSITIVE things each day
record at maximum 3 things needing improvement each day

This may seem stupid - but give it 6 months and you will be amazed at how useful this has become.


<~~ another smoochie for you


Pep

Could not agree more with Pep...

You will learn much about each other...marriage...and even life in the coming years...If you decide later to renew your vows, they will mean much more to you both...

Right now you are building a NEW marriage...The old one is dead--never to breathe again...Give the new one time to grow the intimacy the old one lacked...

You're doing good Miss KittyKat!

Mrs. W

Do you mean 5 positive things that happened that day? Things from both of us?Things that I find encouraging in our marriage? Or 5 things that I am doing to be positive?
Maybe they sound like one and the same..

as you wish .....

I want you to have a balanced outlook about recovery process ... with the scales tipped slightly toward the positive.


<~~~ Pep

Actions speak louder than words.

Not to say that you are not doing enough. But maybe you are talking about it too much with your BH.

If BH is not bringing up the affair by mentioning it less gives him time to ignore it for awhile. Not constantly having to think about it can only help him heal.

You want your BH to not hurt anymore. Your motivation is good but it ignores that the time needed can not be cut down. The hands on the clock can not be rushed.

You can be a great wife without having to constantly say your sorry. If BH brings it up, fine.

This is a very good point!

Methinks if you are tempted to blurt out "I'm sooooooooo sorry." when the conversation is not going in that direction - it is your conscious bothering you - and time to talk to God

"God forgive me. God help me. God guide me."

Tell your H you need a hug instead of telling him "I'm miserable with my guilt". It's better for your recovery.

Pep

These are all good points. I do say that I'm sorry a lot, because I am sorry.

There are a lot of groans and sighs that come from him and I feel compelled to say something. He looks so troubled and hurt. I know that I caused his hurt so saying I'm sorry seems like the least I can do.

We do have some really good days. Today we spent a lot of time together, boating, playing a game having dinner together, playing with DS.

It was nice and I love days like this. I hope that someday he will be able to kick those images out of his head that trouble him. He says they play non-stop, and I want to sink into the floor with shame.

I am trying to be patient, loving, and understanding, and meet his EN's.

I do not have unreasonable expectations about recovery. He can take all the time he needs and I just want to know that I am here when he needs me.

It's our anniversary on the 19th!!