Hi all,

I have a story to share and would love any advice and encouragement anyone has to offer.

My wife (37) and I (39) just hit our ten year anniversary when this all happened. We've got four kids and the oldest is nine. The last few years have been rocky. I'm sure much of our early troubles were my fault - I don't think I appreciated her the way I should have. Then over time things just got worse. I have tried to come around again but there was just too much bitterness between us.

We had been playing an online game called World of Warcraft and through the game you can make many online friends and play together daily.

I was headed up to bed one night around midnight and found my wife asleep with her cell phone open lying next to her in bed. I picked up the phone to put it away but noticed something odd on the screen. It was a reply to a picture message. The bottom contained the original message which was a naked picture of my wife and the top was the reply which said "I really want to **** you right now." My heart hit the floor.

I brought the phone downstairs and spent the next hour looking through it. I found tons of other pictures of her - some naked, some with lingerie, and some taken while she was "doing" things by herself. I also saw many, very explicit sexual IMs sent back and forth. There were also MANY phone calls from out of state numbers anywhere from six to twelve times a day.

After I saw enough I brought her downstairs to talk. Naturally she denied everything at first even after I told her I had here phone. But then she started filling me in. We talked for about two weeks and many other details emerged. I spent quite a bit of time on her computer which told me much more than I wanted to know.

It turns out there were two affairs in the past year and both were guys in their early to mid twenty's. They both started out the same way, as online friends. Then things turned way past friendship with pictures, phone calls, phone/IM sex, etc. The first one lasted a few months but they still talked many times every day. The second was ongoing when I found out.

I also came to find out that she had bought a plane ticket for him and he was going to be here the very next week. A few weeks before she asked if she could start spending some nights with one of her girlfriends. I later found out she was in on this from the start and they had everything planned.

We are still together and doing ok but it's been a long month. Right from the start she agreed to stop all contact with them and just focus on us. I believe her and she has been doing everything possible to help.

I have gotten rid of all the old pictures, lingerie, computer records, AIM accounts, cell #'s, etc. All of the evidence and reminders are now behind us which I think helps. I hated looking at those things anyway.

I have also become completely focused on her and her needs -- so much so that I feel guilty if I even think about doing something fun for just myself.

I didn't ask her to give up any of the things she did before and I don't want her to. I just want her to redirect those actions to the right person. She's encouraged to dress up and take pictures, talk on the phone, IM whenever she wants, etc. Just do it with me instead. She said she didn't think I was that type of person. In my mind, what husband wouldn't want that!

And in the back of my mind I think her sexual peak is nearing and she didn't have an outlet and made some bad decisions because of it. She's never looked at porn until the last year and certainly hasn't taken sexy pictures of herself before.

It's only been a month and I'm still quite down in general. Some days worse than others and I really have no idea what's ahead. I know we're both much more committed to making things work and I honestly believe we can. I think the healing process is just going to take some time although I'm not quite sure what some of the landmarks will be. 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, 24 months?

At least I no longer feel anger or get that sick feeling in my stomach thinking about it. I think I went from that, to plain numb for a spell, and then just down in general.

I still feel very guilty about doing anything at all for just myself - I almost feel like I don't deserve it. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself?

My wife feels like I'm trying to compete with her ex flings. And in a weird kind of way I might be. I get the feeling that certain things she did were important to her like talking on the phone, sending instant messages throughout the day, talking cute, taking pictures of herself, talking about sex etc. If these things are important and make her happy then shouldn't I run with it also?

And how do I keep from getting sad when I know they used to talk 6-12 times a day and yet I may only get 1-2 calls on a given day? Things like that just make me feel less important to her than they did. Am I being nuts? After all they're gone and I'm still here..

I'm doing everything I can to make her happy as is she. She's also trying very hard to make me feel special again which definitely helps a lot. I just don't want to feel like a burden or have it seem like making me feel better is just a job or chore that has to be done. But without that extra support I can easily feel worse.

Thanks for listening,
Joe

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Joe...

I'm truly sorry for your circumstances right now and very happy you found your way here.

What I hear you saying is here are the things you've changed (nonspecific pretty much) and how are you doing, what's the timeframe for recovery from affairs, is that correct?

First, I think you guys need MC right away...whether you call the Harleys from this website or get face to face in your area...takes two years on the average to recover from an A...and your WW (wayward wife) has been in the wayward mindset for two years or more.

I hear you saying you're meeting her ENs even to the exclusion of yourself, or something like that? If you'll read Harley's books, meeting your partner's ENs and eliminating your own LBs is about you...so you aren't sacrificing. Sacrificing is harmful to relationships. Working on the questionnaires to identify ENs, LBs, Recreational Inventory, and personal histories are intimacy-building...not you doing for the partner at the expense of your own resentment.

Have you read about The Giver and The Taker here on this website?

Crucial parts of recovery--understanding each of you are responsible for your personal recovery, and together, your marital recovery...don't lose sight on your personal recovery, 'k? Your WW is responsible for identifying what she did, why she did it, and how and why she won't do it again in regards to her choice to have A's.

Your part is to look at your personal boundaries and together at your marital boundaries...and predeterming progressive boundary enforcements.

Healthy boundaries is what healthy marriages are made of...and I think you're learning that right now.

Please don't compare yourself with the OMs...they weren't real...what she was doing wasn't a real relationship...you are real. You're her BH. You're her partner. Don't lose sight of this...when you feel competitive, you're lost in her fantasy life...not real life...and a big part of recoverying your marriage is for you to stay in reality, be the lighthouse and anchor for her to break her two-year pattern of living in fantasy.

Have you read about the four rules of marriage? The amount of Undivided Attention (UA) required for a healthy marriage? Lots of great info on this website which really works...if you work it.

You're not alone...so many, as you can see, have been right where you are now and before...and we're here so you know you can do this, too.

LA

I agree that you should be in MC. If you get a good counselor,he can get to the bottom of things with you,sifting though all the confusion. The first time we went to MC,we were walking to the car and my H turned and looked at the building and said,"He completely understood how I feel". I felt the same way. We still go.

Thanks for the reply.

It looks like there are two distinct hurdles here. The first is getting past the affairs, and the second is rebuilding our marriage.

I have been doing a lot of reading here and we now have HNHN, SAA, and LB. It's all quite clear now isn't is? Never let anyone other than your spouse fulfill your top emotional needs.

And there are reasons for the affairs, just not justifications. Our marriage has been going downhill for a number of years now. I was able to bear it, but I never fixed it. She needed to turn to others to feel good about herself and she let things get out of hand.

I've already forgiven her for that.

On a good note these affairs were not PA as they never did meet. I think that would further complicate her judgement and make things much messier then they already are. But on a sadder note, the meeting was already planned and paid for (by me nonetheless!)

She did say that she knew things got way out of hand and was scared and was trying to find a way out. I do believe that she was questioning the choices that she made and I don't know 100% that she would have went through with it. But I will stick to the belief that if they did meet it would have turned physical.

At least I no longer feel anger or get that sick feeling in my stomach thinking about it. I think I went from that, to plain numb for a spell, and then just down in general. I'm actually starting to sleep for the first time in a month and feel slightly human again.

I now understand that I have no place in that world she created or any reasons to put myself there. I certainly can't compete with them as the playing field isn't level. I've got real life to weigh me down whereas they are living in fantasy. I could never win.

I've found that it's not that I want to compete with them, I just don't want to feel like things are back to the way they were even for a minute. I want every minute of every day to feel like we're best friends again.

At first I wanted to try and be everything to her so that she wouldn't miss them or anything they did together. But that really isn't realistic. I decided that there were some important emotional needs that led her to stray and those are the ones I should focus on and I can let some of the less important ones slide. Just because she did something with them doesn't necessarily mean I need to do it also.

I know I'm not at all responsible for her affair - she did that without my support or consent. But I am 50% responsible for the state of our marriage and that can use some work.

We've got some more reading to do but I think we can be stronger than before. We both still love each other very much and are committed to making this work.

Thanks,
Joe

Things are going pretty well, as well as can be expected.

Oddly enough though I turned my wife down for sex last night. We started fooling around and something just popped into my head and got me in a funk.

It's kind of hard to put into words though. As I've gotten older sex has changed a bit for me. Now I like sex just as much as anyone else, and we've been making up for lost time now -- some days more than once. But for as long as I can remember I find that I get more enjoyment out of making my wife happy than I do from anything that happens to me.

Don't get me wrong, sex is fun but it's something we do together for each other. I'm not sure I'd even want to have sex without that intimacy and connection that we've grown into. The happier she is, the happier I am. And that's sort of the problem I had last night in a convoluted sort of way.

I try to imagine what it would take for me to truly want to do the things we do together with someone else and I'm just not getting it. It would just feel empty and meaningless. I'm not lazy mind you, but I'm not sure I'd want to put much effort into making someone else happy unless I really deeply cared for them. Or, maybe I am a bit lazy then! Who really knows for sure.

But that's what scared me and brought on the funk -- thinking that my wife possibly thought that way of someone other than, and maybe even more so than me. I know that's not how she really feels but I can't help but wonder what would make her want to give herself completely to someone else.. I just can't understand. I'm just happy we never had to find out.

And that's actually a little embarrassing for me to mention out loud. I'm not needy, or clingy, or weak. I'm not a troublemaker but I'm also not someone you'd want to push around, not even once. But I do tend to over-think things at times. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong here.