I remember what else I wrote....

Be solid in your plan, show strength of character by continuing to support what you both know is right and to be against anything wrong (contact, too much dwelling and talking about him, even to her friend)

Let her know that you are a good, solid strong man, but will not tolerate any disrespect of any kind. You think more of yourself than that.

Just don't wimp out on her...

the other guy is not wimping out......
seems like he is just there...like "yeah whatever, I'll be around, when your ready" (in the mean time, there are lots of other chicks available).

Thanks Ulrike,

You must not have gotten to the last link there. The problem is that she does not like my strength. I have anger management issues, we both do, in fact hers may be worse than mine are but I am getting treated in individual therapy. I have tried to show some non threatening strength for the last few weeks but she claims that she does not feel safe with me. Now in 10 years that we have been together I have never once laid a finger on her and never would but I have been verbally abusive. Not that this makes it any better but it has almost always been us being verbally abusive to each other and not just me going off for no reason. I think I for the most part have my end of things under control and am getting better everyday now. I am not sure what she is doing to stop being abusive. I would say probably nothing right now.

I will try to be strong and not bend over for her. I will try to show what a good man I am but I can only do so much when she is acting the way that she is.

I was thinking strength as more in strength of character, solidness,even tempered,being quiet and observing.Saying what you mean, and her knowing you mean what you say.

I understand what you are saying. I have calmed down quite a bit now. I think it is more me just accepting that I am about to be left behind again than it is inner strength. Today will be day two of not asking her anything about our relationship. Hopefully I can stay in the frame of mind that I am in right now and not go back into panic I need an answer mode before the end of the day.

Here is some random venting that can be ignored if necessary.

Oh god it hurts so much...
She acts like I am the one leaving her alone when she is the one choosing to not let me be her companion.
How can she do this to us?
Where the heck did my wife go and what is this cold person laying next to me at night?

Wish me luck...

LTW,

Have you noticed that your situation improves when you take decisive action and then deteriorates when you start waffling???

I get the impression that your WW isn't really a bad person, just immature and unwilling to commit.

If I were you (and I was) ... I would draw a firm line in the sand and give her EXACTLY 5 minutes to make up her mind ... Your M or OM, and failure to make a decision within that time frame would be interpreted as choosing OM. This has carried on for WAY TOO long.

I simply can't understand the concept of waiting passively while YOUR WIFE decides how the rest of YOUR life is going to play out.

Like MOST BH's here on MB, your situation will NEVER improve until you find your own personal "F"-it button and then push it. There are stories after stories of BH's wallowing in limbo, who will later testify about their success after they were seriously ready to WALK AWAY if things didn't improve IMMEDIATELY.

The ONLY person in the situation that you can control is YOU, and until YOU stand up for YOURSELF, you will continue to serve as nothing but a doormat for your WW.

Thanks MYRev.

I actually have my "F"it button pressed this weekend. I started looking for a new place and I told her that I don't want to stay here anymore. This leaves her with only one option really. Well 2 if she really works on it. She can move back in with her parents which will only serve to make her 10 times as miserable as she thinks she is living with me or she can get a second job which I don't see ever happening. So basically, I am breaking our lease here so I can move to a nicer but smaller place where I can have peace.

When I told her things blew up pretty bad. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore so I let out all of the things that I don't really mean and should not have said. It was about 5 minutes of the most insulting things I could say to her and I am not proud of it.

In the end I told her I was sorry and I only said those things because I was hurt, she told me they were all true and that she is trash and that she has been dragging me on like this because she thinks she can never find someone like me again since all she seems to be able to attract on her own is scum. I tried to make her feel better but I don't know what good it did.

She is waffling about what she wants to do but I am to the point where I am just doing what I have to do to survive. I will see how it goes until the end of this month since that is when I have to give notice to my landlord. Maybe I will give her the final ultimatum then. But you are completely right, I have to stand up for myself. Someone gave me some good advice the other day. "never give someone else priority while allowing yourself to be their option" It struck a chord with me I guess.

One thing to mention is that It is no longer about choosing me or the OM. I don't think I am in competition with him. Her choice is whether or not to try more to work on us. She is a good person but she is weak and immature as you said. She always says that she does not want to wake up 9 years from now feeling the same way she does now. She is afraid that we can never learn to get along like adults. I admit I have the same fear but having read the books I know that there is a better option than what we have always done. I wish she would read them too. I feel like it is time for both of us to grow up but I am afraid that she can't or just won't. I think she fears the same thing and that is what is holding her back. Not so much the OM. She knows he is scum and a loser. If she really thought so highly of him she would have probably left already.

LTW,

I think you have misinterpreted my post. I understand that you are not in competition with the OM, but the fact remains that she is still in contact with OM (or at least has been within the past few weeks), and as long as she is in contact she will not give your M a fair shot.

Drawing a line in the sand FORCES her to make that decision, so that your M can have a shot at R.

Either choice by her improves YOUR situation ... you either get a chance to R or you get to start over, and BOTH of those are better than remaining in this limbo he11.

I knew what you meant, I just wanted to clarify that I personally no longer feel threatened by the OM. I see him for what he really is and if she can't figure that out then good luck to her.

I hate to sound so apathetic to her but it's time for me to look after myself and I can't get any better if I am stuck in limbo. I love her dearly but she has to make a decision.