john,

There's hope BUT you HAVE to be HONEST!

Read "Joseph's Letter"--the best explanation of the BS (Betrayed Spouse's) viewpoint...

Joseph's Letter

Also, the translation for all the abbreviations is at the top of this forum on the thread Acronyms Abbreviations

I was doing it trying not to make the hurt any worse.

John,
Consider the alternative. First off, withholding the truth has gotten you where you are today, which is in dire straits. Your denial that it was a sexual affair has obliterated her trust in you. It put her in a position where she had to decide whether you were lying or she was crazy. Luckily, she chose the former. It would have been immeasurably cruel of you if she had started to doubt her own sanity after you had emotionally eviscerated her.

Also, attempting to manipulate someone's decisions through withholding of the truth is to deny them their status as a human being. NOT telling her in order to try and get her to stay with you under false pretenses is tantamount to treating her like a pet, not like a wife or equal.

As a betrayed spouse, I can tell you one of the most important aspects of recovery is "intent". I could get all the details of the affair from my wife, but if they are given to me as a result of a police style interrogation, I will not be any closer to trusting her. If on the other hand, she surrenders that information to me because she KNOWS and ACCEPTS that I need it to heal and learn to trust again, that makes all the difference in the world. It also shows that she gets it. That she is owning her actions and putting my feelings of betrayal above her feelings of self-protection.

At this point, I think if you continue what you have been doing you will undoubtedly end up divorced and she will be better off for it. Its time for you to change the status quo.

I would recommend writing her an extremely humble letter that divulges all remaining (and yes I mean everything) details of the affair. Tell her you realize that this will probably be the final nail in the coffin, but she deserves to know the truth for her own mental health regardless of what she decides to do. Reiterate your love and desire to remain married to her and do whatever it takes. But make it clear that you are confessing for no other reason whatsoever than that she deserves the truth.

You were trying to save your [censored]. Its time for honesty, friend. If you were trying to not hurt her you wouldn't have driven her crazy for 2 years with your lies. You know she KNEW and you wouldn't tell her.

It is time for honesty, John. The full monty.

BINGO! Great post, andrew. You have it exactly right and I agree with your proposed course of action.

I must be serverly dense, but her knowing every miniscule detail will make her feel better? Why is that?

She has a right to know the truth about her OWN LIFE. She has a RIGHT to know each and every detail about your affair. As it is now, you and the OW have secrets to which she is not privy. Do you think that inspires trust?

KNOWING THE FULL TRUTH IS THE ONLY WAY SHE CAN EVER RECOVER.

How can she trust you when you are LYING TO HER?

How dare you treat her like she is an idiot who is too weak to handle truth. How insulting.

This is a common misconception for waywards. Confessing everything to her WILL cause short term pain for her, but why aren't you thinking long term? Confessing has the effect of cleaning the infection out of the wound. Once everything is out in the open and no secrets remain, true healing can begin. Even if she leaves you, the confession will allow her to heal and move on, rather than carry lingering doubt and resentment to her next relationship. Your focus should be on what SHE needs, not covering your own [censored] by hiding the truth. Thats all you are doing.

If the lies persist and the infection remains, the wound will never heal. Do you think I want to hear about my wife's sexual affair? Hell no! But I also know myself well enough to know that if I feel that ANY secrets remain, I will never regain any capacity to trust her. Lies only protect the liar. Ignorance is not bliss, and knowing the reality of a situation is never a bad thing.

Just to clarify one thing though, you don't need to "core dump" on her everything that happened in the affair. Confess the fact that it was sexual because thats a major detail, and then tell her that it is her decision regarding what she wants to know and you will answer anything she asks willingly and honestly. Start treating her with respect and let her make her own decisions.

I need to take my son to daycare will the two of you still be around? You are giving me so much insight.

I'll be around for a few hours. I'm working at home today so I update the page every so often.

I just read Joseph's letter and it was a very interesting way to put things into perspective. I never looked at it that way, I thought I was sparing the person more anguish. Without pressuring her how do I get her to look at this website or at least read some of the material in this website. Because she is jaded about any kind of therapy right now. Should I just wait? I made an appointment with a therapist today. Is there a way to tell if I'm speaking to someone good, or should I see several and see which one seems to be the best.

John, you don't need a therapist to just tell her the truth. You need to be honest with her. She already went to therapy and it did nothing.

I would suggest writing her the letter like Andrew suggested, confessing the truth, and apologizing for lying to her. Dont tell her you were "protecting" her, that is insulting as he11 and she won't believe it anyway.

TEll her that you spoke to some posters on Marriage Builders who helped you the truth. Tell her that we would like to talk to her.

Is she disgusted with therapy because they told her to "get over it?" Did they tell her that? What all happened in therapy?

You are in a tough spot here. If you try to show MB to her now, you are almost definitely going to fail. Why? Because she feels that she has done the therapy thing, none of it has worked, and you are the same guy you have been for the last 2 years. She has spent 2 years trying to become close to you, but been unable to, due in large part to your continued lying. I think before she will even consider reading on MB, YOU need to do something to break the status quo. YOU need to perform some act that lets her know that you are not the same brick wall that she has beat her head against for 2 years. Discussing MB won't accomplish that.

I think you know what will. You need to stop trying to protect yourself in all this and start working on giving her what she needs. You said she felt that you were lying about the PA. Its time to validate those feelings and tell her that she was right. There simply isn't a way that you can come out of this with your marriage intact and your secret safely hidden. It doesn't work like that.

My recommendation is as it stands in my previous post. Don't bother trying to show her MB right now. It will just be more of the same for her. You need to communicate the truth to her in utter humility, and then stand back and accept her decision. If you want to make sure your message comes across how it should, write out what you want to say, post it here, and we can give you a betrayed spouse interpretation of it.

One of the hardest things for you to really accept I think, will be that there may be nothing you can do to bring her back. Some actions have irrevocable consequences. Confessing is the ONLY way for to fan the tiny spark that might still remain. Or it may be the last straw and she immediately sees a lawyer. If that is what she does, your atonement to this woman should involve making divorce as easy and painless as possible for her.

Oh and the reason I suggest a letter is because its non-threatening. She won't feel like she is being confronted or pressured to come up with an answer or carry a conversation. She can read it and absorb it at her leisure and think about how to respond.

I agree with your idea about the letter, Andrew. And I would also suggest he post the letter here so we can give him feedback. He is still foggy from deceiving her all this time so it will be important for us to weed that out. She doesn't even need to see any more sign of fog.

Lets see how she takes the letter and then take it from there.

p.s. Andrew, your posts are fabulous. I am thrilled you are here to help this man.

Thanks MelodyLane.
I have tried to absorb as much information as I can from the wealth of knowledgable veterans here, yourself included of course.

Unfortunately, I won't be around tonight or tomorrow night since Im heading out to help a friend take his Boy Scout Troop Camping. He is in very capable hands with you though.

Just got back from a session with a therapist. I think it went well. She wont be helping me in the future, it turns out she is out of my insurances network but one of her associates that she recommends is in the network. So I'm trying to book some sessions with her, but apparently not all therapists work on fridays.

What are you going to therapy about?

For me and the marriage. I know I cant get her to go, but that doesnt mean I cant to help me out and figure things out about our marriage. I want to fix my issues.