I have been seeing this one guy for a few weeks. All was and I thought is going well...

Until today. We had made plans to have a day together on Sunday, which was going to start around noon, and we were going to go on his boat, and get something to eat, and then just hang out. My ex was going to have the kids overnight.

Me and the guy I am seeing have talked several times about what we were going to do this Sunday. I took the day off of work and everything. So today we were talking on the phone, and right before we get off, I said something about seeing him on Sunday. He said, "Yep! What time do you want to get together?" I told him that I was free all day, and he said, "So do you want to see a movie or something around 7?"

It kind of threw me for a loop, and I said I guessed so, then he said to me that I sounded disappointed, at which point I said no, and I reminded him that I took the day off (I usually need to work on Sunday, and it is a pain when I take the day off!) and he said that was right.... So I just cut the conversation short, and told him I would talk to him tomorrow.....

And it kind of left me... disappointed, stumped, and kind of confused. We have been talking everyday on the phone, sometimes for a long time, we have seen each other, and we have been taking things nice and slow, and now he is going to just switch up the plans on Sunday? He had not done this before, and I do not want to have to 'remind' him... I was really looking forward to it, the day, and spending time with him. I like him a lot.

My one friend told me I should just let it go, and just go to the movie, but I feel annoyed, and I would not really be in the mood to watch a movie. That is not why I took the day off....

1)You had a reasonable expectation.

2)That expectation will not be met.

3)You are disappointed and annoyed.

4)He asked you if you're disappointed.

5)You said, "No".

Stop right there. Kind of early to start this dance, isn't it? How often do we read this sort of thing around here? Expectations don't match. We expect the other person to be on the same page without fail and when they're not, we get annoyed/angry/hurt/disappointed/dismayed/etc... And then we choose not to share that?

C'mon...

You forgot to tell him, " I thought you said we were going to go out on your boat Sunday. What happened?"

Fact is you lied! You weren't honest and let him know that he made plans and you followed along, and then all of a sudden he decided to change his plans!

If you don't go ahead and express yourself now - where do you think the whole relationship will go?

Find out what made him change his mind about the plans to go out on the boat. That doesn't degrade you and is just tells you he is a man that doesn't necessarily live up to the plans HE made.

I've been going through some of the same. I got asked to go on a trip w someone and then three days later, after I said yes, he said - all of a sudden - that he had to ask his kids. Well if his kids' decision was that important then he should have asked them BEFORE he asked me!

Watch your signs - he might not be the man you thought he was!!



RMW

Oh, and I wouldn't tell him a movie would do. That's not what he invited you to do.

Find something else to do with your day off.

Read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. Dr. H told me that if I had followed those rules, I wouldn't have found myself in the predicaments I had. (that was 2 yrs ago. I only recently started dating again and I ain't going to go the same again - I've started expressing what will and won't work)

Don't think he is the whole world. I know you'd like to if you are anything like me - but boy did I have a lot to learn!!

Sadmo,

I'm new around here, but I see two red flags: 1) Backing out on your plans all-day plans. 2) "Pretending to forget them (I say "pretending" because these were plans you discussed during the week. Unless he has early-onset alzheimers, he didn't forget those conversations...).

I suspect that he's backing out of the all-day plans in a passive way. Beware. One of the things you want is trustworthiness. Doesn't this situation make you question that a bit? And, isn't this the time in the relationship that he's supposed to be putting his "best face" on?

I'm not suggesting dump the guy. I'm just saying you may want to be cautious.

Those 2 red flags would have been addressed immediately if you had been honest with him about your disappointment.

Yes.

This.

Yes, an easy way to say this is:"What happened to the boat plans we made for Sunday...you know...for the day?"

It is not too late to call him and bring it up. It is not the perfect time, but you can still do it and preserve your honesty. I would call him and address the issue.

Yes, an easy way to say this is:"What happened to the boat plans we made for Sunday...you know...for the day?"

ABSOLUTELY!! The longer you put it off, the harder it will get.

I finally learned that I might not be ready with the words that exact moment, but as soon as I could come up with the words after the initial shock - do it!! That's the only thing that has kept the relationship I'm in right now going at all. Can't say I will stay with the guy. He is making some changes, but the really good feelings already died. BUT, I am using the relationship to learn to come out of my shell and do things in a productive manner.

Please, for your own sake - your own piece of mind - addresss the issue now!!

Like Stellakat said, it's not too late!

Good Luck!
RMW

Hello everyone, and thanks for the honesty!

The day after I posted, I talked to my brother, who said exactly what all of you had said... to be honest and ask him. So that night, when he called, he asked if he could stop by (he was in the area) and I told him sure. We sat outside and talked, and I asked him. He is actually pretty easy to talk to about things, I do not know why I hesitated...

His response was that I had said I wanted to see this one movie, and I had talked about how I never see movies, and he thought I would prefer to do that, since I am not a fan of being in the glaring sun all day. (I do not tan at all, I am more of a night person) he thought since I am more of a night person, that it would be more to my liking.

So, there was no malicious intent at all... He said that if I still wanted to do the boat ride, that would be good with him too...

I told him dinner and a movie was fine, I had made some plans with a friend since I had the whole day off from work and kids. He told me that next time I should just say something. Sigh. I guess old habits die hard...

We went out on Sunday, and he took me to a very romantic restaurant, which thrilled me...this is something silly, but it showed me how he actually listens to me....

On Sunday my kids were going to this place with their dad that has hundreds of carp that all are vying to be fed... I always loved it as a kid, and I told my girls that they would love it. I had told him about it. Well, at the restaurant that he chose, it was on a river, and there was a pier that you could eat on, and in the water were a ton of those carp, and you could buy food to feed them. He bought food for me, and I got the biggest kick out of it... so he was actually TRYING to do what he thought I would like... It was very nice date. We sat there for hours and talked. So, it is still going well.

Yay!

Oh... and one more thing. It was NOT honest of me. I think that I let myself believe when my ex would say that I had to have everything either my way or no way, and I think that I worried that I would come off as being b@thcy or demanding... but as the new guy told me when we talked if I just said it, without yelling or acting mad, there is nothing wrong with that. And it is right. I really like this guy. I can maybe learn a lot from him....

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Maybe when I'm ready I'll meet a guy like that. Know any chat rooms to go "join in" until then?

I am so glad to hear of your bravery!! Good job being honest with him about your confusion.

I'm also glad to hear that I was completely wrong. I obviously have a lot to learn around here...

Well, it is almost a month later, and I am still dating my new guy... when I CAN, which is sometimes difficult.

We were talking/texting everyday, and then his shifts got changed at work. He works horrible 12 hour shifts, and the hours are terrible.... he warned me that he can be crabby when he is on that shift, and I told him I would avoid him then, lol, jokingly.

Since then, it had been over a week, I had not seen him, and I was frustrated that we hadn't. I was almost to the point of telling him we either start seeing SOMETHING of each other, or forget it... then I talked to a friend of mine who told me this, "he told you he would be crabby, it is a bad shift for him, ride it out, and see what happens... you have expectations that YOU expect him to meet...let go of them, and see what happens." Never were there truer words...

I did NOT give him the talk, and he called today, said how tired he has been, and he wanted to see me this weekend, when he was off. We then had a great conversation, and I was glad that I did NOT just REACT...

That's great Mo! Keep this friend nearby. We should all have friends who are willing to tell us what we need to hear (like this example), rather than what we just want to hear.

Sometimes as you respond to something, I can almost see you effervesce. Especially when endorsing something you seem to have difficulty with when it applies to you. Ain't life grand!

Seabird, thanks!

It actually is one of the good things that I have gained since my sep. and D. I have a very good network of friends that I really good friends. Some of them have been around for years, and now I see them more.

Well, tonight I called and gave the guy I was seeing the goodbye speech.
The reason? We had too conflicting schedules, and when he was off of work, it kind of felt like we would only see each other if it fit into his plans. He told me that he was terrible about making plans in advance, and yep, he was.

Basically, I started to feel like a plan "B" (if nothing better came along, he would spend time with me)and I would prefer to feel like a plan "A" (where he wanted to spend time with me on a more consistent level).

So I called him tonight, and left him a message telling him that I really enjoyed our time together, but it seems like our schedules are just too much, and I started to feel rejected because it seemed like we could not get together that much. I said that I did not want to feel that way, so I was just calling him to say nice meeting him, and good luck with whatever he did.

Ever since he got switched to his crazy schedule, I have not seen him but one time in the last 2.5 weeks. I was starting to really like him, I really liked talking to him, and he seemed to like talking to me. BUT, he did not seem like he wanted to spend any of his precious free time with ME.

So, I figured, better to cut him loose than to start wondering all of the time what was going on. I do not have time for that anymore....

It seems to me that the dating game has changed a LOT since I dated my exh even (10 years ago) It seems like there is a lot more focus on just the sexual aspect of seeing someone, and everyone just seems like they either smother you, or they are so wrapped up in their lives that they have no time for you.

All I know is that I am ok on my own, I will continue to be ok on my own. Maybe someday my prince will come riding up. Until then, I am ok. :-)

Good for you!! You took the high road and didn't go all psycho on him. I'm sure that he will appreciate that too.

You DO deserve the best and someday your "Prince" WILL come...when the time is right.

(((HUGS)))

Ronda

Thanks... I guess that as I get older, I know more of what I want... and I just do not want to settle for SOMETHING, rather than nothing...

Oh, and being comfortable with yourself is a plus too! LOL!