No weasel words, John!!!

Why does she feel she has to walk on eggshells? Did you bark at her? BE HONEST!

What are weasel words!? She said I would get easily irritated with her if she didnt do something exactly the way I wanted her to do it, or if she didnt answer a question the way I wanted her to answer it.

weasel words = bullcrap and talking around the issue like you just did in the paragraph above.

Your comment begs the question, DID YOU GET IRRITABLE WITH HER? See,how you answer stuff like this in a very indirect, roundabout manner? Instead of saying:

a) I was a [censored] who was irritable with her

you say:

b) she SAID I would get easily irritated

So, now I don't what is true. Were you irritable with her? Were you ugly and mean to your wife. WERE YOU A [censored]? What did you DO to make her feel like that?

Look, if I knew what she meant I would say it. The words I'm saying are words she used when she told me. This had never been mentioned until that day. I dont yell at my wife, in fact we dont yell at each. I really cant recall us ever having a yelling match about anything. I still dont know because she wont discuss anything with me right now.

What is your HONEST ASSESSMENT of your own behavior towards her? How would you describe your own behavior if you were going to be brutally honest?

How old are you, John? How long have yall been married?

Where's the letter John? Will your wife come here to MB?

I'm 35 we've been married for almost 4 yrs but together for 9, she is 28. My assesment is that i knew I had a problem expressing my feelings towards her, I didnt realize it was as bad as it was. When I told my aunt who is like a mom to me, she said I was emotionally cold. The last ten years I see my family maybe twice a year, so if someone who I dont see as much tells me that, I can only imagine how I've made her feel. i can only imagine because no one has ever told me this before. People have said I tend to be to blunt with things I say, so I would say maybe thats how I make her feel. I'm having to guess like I said before she hasnt sighted anything in particular. I told you kahuna it was an idea that Andrew proposed today. I've been here at work since 2. No she wont come to MB, not right now at least.

John I know I am coming in here later then the others. But I have to agree with Andrew and Mel. You need to write a FULL HONEST letter to your wife. If shes against taking it then leave it somewhere she will see when shes ready to read it she will. Just simply say this is the whole truth about 2 yrs ago. And walk away. BUT THE LETTER NEEDS TO BE THE WHOLE HONEST TRUTH. ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT LEAD UP TO THE A, DURING THE A, AND AFTER THE A, TO PRESENT TIME.

Yes the reason they keep going back to the HONESTY issue is because you have a problem in being honest. OMG I was like that. Up till a few weeks ago. I gave DH his letter. He is so much happier. Difference my A was 9 yrs ago. We were already well into R, he didnt want it then *or didnt mention it then* till recently and I gave it to him. Each move at there own pace.

Yes if there are other issues they can be addressed but we need to BELIEVE you are open with us.

Be proud you are here. This is a great community and full of great advice. YOU are seeking advice and guidence from wonderful people who put so much time and effort into others on here.

You mentioned you bought the book? Well dont hide it. Leave it on the coffee table or night stand and see what she will do with it. She needs to SEE you are trying. I think she feels that she hasnt seen you TRY or whatever in 2 yrs and shes tired of keeping her pain inside. YOU need to protect her John. And let her know that as well.

Im not disagreeing about the letter they are right. Am i coming off that way. If I am I dont mean to, Andrew just mentioned the idea this afternoon. i just got home from work, i do need a chance to actually sit down and write it.

She doesnt know about the book, but I'm hiding it at home. I think she is avoiding the house, she has only been by once to drop my son off. She does know about me seeing a therapist only because I'm on her insurance at her work and I needed to get the information from her.

Was the therapy thing a ruse to get her back?

No. After she told me those things and left I stepped back and looked at the last two years and also told my family what she had said, and they agreed with her. They actually said we were both that way with each other, I was worse though. They said I was just like my mother, and I see how how my mother is, she isnt the most affectionate person. I told myself I didnt want to end up being like that to people I care about and turned out that way anyway. I keep replaying this one sentence she said to me"you had two years and you didnt anything."

Hey John, there a couple of really helpful books that can show you how to fall in love again that you would want to check out. I would start with:

His Needs, Her Needs
Lovebusters
Fall in Love, Stay in Love

You can buy them cheap on this website or get them at most bookstores. The way that MB is different from therapy is that it teaches you NEW behavior. It focuses on behavior modification which is much more effective than sitting in therapy yapping about grievances. There is a world of difference in effectiveness, I promise you. [I have been most routes and so have many ppl here]

Go read all the articles here about lovebusters and emotional needs and that should give you some understanding of how love is built in a marriage and what you have done to erode it in your marriage. That understanding might be helpful in formulating your letter.

I'll do that thanks. I am having a hard time trying to read into the boundaries of the seperation, we havent spoken about it. I saw her last on monday and she didnt have her rings on. I asked her about it later and she said that its because we're seperated, that what you do. I said that we were still married and she said technically. I said what does that mean. She said seperation is the next step you do before divorce. I asked her that you are telling me right now at this moment you are 100% ready and decided to call the lawyers, because if you are then why are you dancing around with this next step"seperation". She said no that she wasnt sure. She said we were seperated and free to see other people. I saod is that what you are doing letting people know youre available. She said no I dont want see anyone, but we are seperated. Then she said " you took off your F***** ring last time and didnt even tell me!" Then she said she needed to go because our son was crying and we havent discussed anything since then and that was Monday. I dont know what I can and cant say or what we can even talk about. How do I approach this or do I even try right now?

The first thing you can do is stop arguing with her. That is not going to get her back. That is going to push her away more. Frankly, she can do what she wants while separated and you can't stop her. Making demands won't get you anywhere except frustrated.

Do you think she is having an affair? Is she living with her parents? Do have a good relationship with her parents? Would her parents tolerate her having an affair?

Go read the article on lovebusters.

John, consider yourself in a NEW dating situation. If you are interested in a girl, do you speak to her the way you spoke to your wife yesterday? Or are you as PLEASANT and attractive as possible?

Do you get where I am going here? When we are married we get into very unattractive habits that turn a spouse off. You can't afford to be unattractive while trying to attrct your wife back. She already thinks you are a jerk, so when you argue and fuss with her, you just give her MORE AMMUNITION to support her decision to leave.

read this: Why Women leave men

I dont think she is having an affair, she is living with her best friend and she wouldnt tolerate it.I told her that it hurt to see the rings off and that I didnt think we were at that point. Thats when she made when she made the comment about me taking my ring off without telling her. Most of the conversations I have with her I try to make pleasant, but those are few and far between. I dont how much communication to have with her, she kind of avoids topic and then will say "because we're seperated." Friends and family say to make minimal contact, give her her space. I feel I need to talk to her daily just so she doesnt forget that I havent always been a complete jerk. It just cause such a big knot in my stomach, its ahrd to eat or sleep. I keep replaying conversations we have and end up trying to read into too much. If I can just stop doing that I could get through a day alittle better.

That had some great points. I hate having access to all this information and being able to share this with her. Do you think its a bad idea print off this information and see if she would at least read it, or is that pushing her too soon. I constantly go back to something she said to me, she said "do you know anyone that made it through an affair that is married because I dont, and thats because it doesnt happen a marriage cant make it." We really dont know too many married in the first majority of our friends are single. I wanted to say it but I didnt was that "no I dont know anyone that has made it, but if they did make theyre not exactly going around advertising it either." I later came to find out my aunt and uncle went through this 15 yrs ago and made it and I had no idea. A good friend of ours just told me that his parents went through awhile ago and were able reconcile, and all these people on this forum. I just want to point that out and tell that it is possible because the majority do make it. How accurate do you feel about this quote, "When its all said and done, the only people that matter are the people in the marriage." I think she's really concerned about what friends think about her if she were to stay with someone who cheated. She has kind of made some comments about that.