Here's a quick background about me. XWH had A with a very good friend of mine in 2003. I tried to save my marriage but couldn't. We divorced in 2004. We have 5 kids, oldest was already 18 during the divorce; four younger children were all 10 and under. We settled on 50/50 custody. Once my daughter reached 12 she informed her dad that she wanted to live full time with mom. He was not happy but was not surprised with her decision. Now my son who is 11 1/2 who just started middle school, informed me he wants to live with me full time. I know my X will hit the roof.

I spoke to my XBIL; XBIL feels that I should force my son to keep the custody schedule as is. I'm torn. My X is not father of the year; he has no structure in his home. His moral value is below my standard. He looks at young girls (girls 18 and up, he's 44) on My Space and has my youngest son who is 10 years old judge the girls base on their looks. (The pictures are very revealing.)That is inappropriate. I have voiced my opinion but X continues to do what he wants to do.

I am remarried, my husband have no children from previous marriage, he is involved with my children, attends activities, help with homework. We have structure in our home; the children have assigned chores, limited time on the computer and TV. We have sit down dinner with the children.

I know it's best for my son to live with me full time, yet I don't want my son to have a strain relationship with his dad.

Any response and advice is appreciated.

Tough situation. Kids need both parents, but your kids are obviously expressing their opinions on the matter.

Is your son being exposed to this behavior?

I recommend approaching it this way:

Send him an email regarding DS11. Tell him what your son has expressed to you. Don't make accusations. Present it as: He feels this way and has expressed it to me. I bring it to your attention if you want to address it with him.

Your son is probably very much wanting to feel like his father puts him above the teeny boppers he's flirting with.

Your new husband has no role in this. He can be a mentor and a father figure, but it's your xwh who will have the greatest impact on your son as he gets older.

It's good that your new H is decent to your kids, but he's not their father. Your kids will grow up with a major hole in their hearts if their relationship with their father is hurt.

I know this from a very good friend of mine. She's pretty messed up. She has a great relationship with her step father but it's her dad who she longed to have a good relationship with.

We can try to replace biological parents all we want, but the kids themselves will long for a good relationship with the biological parent.

We're not talking about kids who have never known their father. They do know him and they long for a good relationship with him.

He needs to put them first, but you don't need to lecture him about that. He has to see it on his own.

His son's desire to not be with him anymore MAY be the wakeup call he needs. It could shake him into being more attentive to his kids instead of worrying about the latest 18 yo on myspace.

It's great that you new H treats your kids well. Just remember that he's not their father and it isn't his approval and love they long for, it's your xwh.

Tell me I'm off my rocker if you wish. I'm merely sharing with you what I've seen from a good friend of mine.

She loves her step dad, but her strained relationship with her father really messed her up.

Just want to add that I am hoping that your xwh wakes up and becomes a dad and stops acting like a teen.

Your kids are seeing for themselves which parent provides structure and a real home and which one doesn't. It would be best for your kids to be with you full time IF your xwh continues to be a dumba$$. I'd just give him the opportunity to address it first before taking legal action.

I agree with Pom. The kids should get to live where they want and will be raised the best. Your XH will have to agree with it for legal reasons though. Your existing H should stay out of it, but I do think he can be as active as a father as your children and he are willing to be, and as much as you're comfortable with.

Thanks for your replies. I do however want to make it clear that my husband have always told my children that they already have a father, he is not their dad, but will be there for them if they ever need help with anything.

I certainly do agree that my children need to have their dad involve in their lives; that's something I have stress to my children over and over. My oldest is 21 and refused to be involved with his dad. I have tried to get them to get involve but it's not working.

My daughter who lives with me, even refuse to go to her dad's every other weekend. My husband and I have to make her go. She does not want her dad to attend parent teacher conference. Last year I notified her dad of the conference, he showed up and was in a hurry to leave because he was coaching my son's soccer team. He does have an assistant coach; I offered my input that our daughter's conference takes priority over soccer practice. Still he left. During the conference instead of discussing about our daughter, he talks about himself to the teachers. My daughter was very offensive because she does work hard and takes her studies very serious. This week we have conference and she has made it clear that she does not her dad to attend. She asked my husband to go with me and my husband told her that her dad should go. She runs off to her room crying.

My X is clueless and still have not waken up after having his 2 oldest not wanting any part of him. Now the third child is trying to escape form him.

I have considered talking to my X about trying to structure his house hold because I believe kids yearn for structure. I know it will fall on deaf ear. When we were married, we never agreed on discipline, and creating structure within the household. I would try but he never enforced. My oldest son saw through it and often played us against each other. I just don't see how we can work together; it didn't work when we were married, and now with us being divorced seems impossible.

Totally different situation. You XWH is a sh*tbag if that's how he is with his kids.

Men like him make it hard on men like me because he doesn't care about his kids.

Your kids obviously notice who cares. They very much want a father figure in their lives and your X is failing miserably. I think that if your kids are asking for your new H to go that that is a different story. They are requesting his involvement and I don't think you should deny it.

They want someone to be their dad and their real dad doesn't want that role. So if your H is a willing participant and your kids want him to step into that role, then let him. Don't shut out your XWH, but let your current H participate.

Get a professional to offer guidance. I'm merely giving my view on it.

I had a strained relationship with my father for many years after he cheated on my mom. The older the kid, the less forgiving they are and the longer it will take to heal.

Your younger ones want stability and structure.

You can bring up his living situation, but you should do so only if he asks you why the kids are acting as they are or feel the way they feel.

Imm, I would do what it takes to get any contact with his father reduced to a bare minimum, ESPECIALLY before your son turns 12. When he turns 11-12 the hormones will start kicking in along with the rebellion and his father can REALLY screw him up then. Your son will LIKE the corruption your XH teaches him because it will feed his rebellion.

I know I thought it was really clever at age 14 when my dad took me barhopping in Mexico and taught me how to smoke pot. He screwed up my mind for years by teaching me that wrong was right. I would have been much better off if my visits were SUPERVISED and short.

Your H is NOT a positive role model for your son and probably either doesn't know right from wrong or just wants to be liked at any cost. He will teach your son that wrong is right at a very critical point in his development. Your boy needs a POSITIVE manly influence in order to grow into a man of character, and apparently your XH is not that man. A corrupt parent is not a good parent and your son needs to be protected from him.

I also hope you are talking to your son and telling him that the things his father is teaching him are immoral and that his dad is a sick, weak man. If someone does not tell him that, he will assume his dad is just being cool. My mother made things WORSE by remaining silent. NOT COOL.

Never question your gut instinct with your kids. You're not trying to take them away from him, you are just changing Primary Physical Custody and the living arrangement.

Do what you need to do to protect your children, regardless of how your X reacts to it.

File the papers, follow your instincts.

So did my mother! She encouraged getting involved, and he sure did! He took me to the Tophat Bar, the bookie's hut at Buffalo Lake to learn about illegal gambling, bar hopping in Mexico, how to baseball a trifecta at the horse race track, how to smoke pot, how to pay off the Mexicales if they stopped you for underage drinking, how to smoke cigarettes, how to cover your eyes in the Mexican strip bars when it got too raunchy, how to drive drunk with a hand over one eye to stop double vision.

And my all time favorite lesson from good old poppa: 'reality is what you make it," and "you just have to do what makes you happy." <---the motto of every good wayward...

These are just the high points, I won't go into the never ending drama he had with revolving wives [married and divorced 8 times] and mistresses or about the time one of his mistresses caught him at his WIFE's house, cheating, and beat him up in the front yard. I got to watch from the MISTRESSES CAR at 2am on a school night. But, the police were called and stopped it, fortunately.

Mother knew that quality time was very important between a daughter and her father.

Take a stand if your XH is garbage.

Better to have limited contact than to expose him to bad behavior.

Granted, we're only hearing your side of things, but your kids seem to recognise where they're comfortable and where they're not.

I'm all for father's rights, but only for deserving fathers who act like fathers and not overgrown teens.

Same with women who act that way. People who think of themselves before their kids don't deserve to have primary of their kids.

It's likely he's mostly upset because he'll have to pay more child support.

File the papers...if he wants more access to the kids he CAN accomplish that by being more involved in their lives and actively parenting them so they WANT to spend more time with him. Only THEN would you consider voluntarily modifying the new custody award giving you primary.

Your children need more guidance than your x is capable of providing them. Actually...your children need protection from him. They are counting on you.

Mr. Wondering