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bump

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I agree with the OP.
BUT.
Personally, as the BW, I would like to know if there is an OC out there. Just seems as a betrayed, someone who is earning their "former wayward" wings would want to come clean on this to the betrayed.
Again, I have a different perspective than most of the members of this forum, because for now, any OC is just hypothetical.


Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
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Well ima of course the former wayward should come clean! The whole other discussion was about the OW telling the betrayed xW.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
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OCDS 8
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Bumping for Dazed09.

If any anyone experienced in this issue is inclined, Dazed is newly pregnant by OM and is posting on SaA. Would you help her, please?


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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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BUMP for callalilly

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Bump for Bethesda.


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^^


Faith

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^^^^


Faith

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Faithy,

If you ever leave this forum, I'm going to seek legal counsel to force you back!


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Faithy,

If you ever leave this forum, I'm going to seek legal counsel to force you back!

LOL

I know where she lives!

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Faithy,

If you ever leave this forum, I'm going to seek legal counsel to force you back!

LOL

I know where she lives!
Hey! No fair! crybaby dramaqueen

No worries, Sugar. I get frustrated but will probably perservere a while longer. This place is no longer my haven but I like to keep my eye out for newbies.

Hi Pep! Are you still up north?


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
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OCDS 8
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No.
I'm in south.
Hahahaha
Going for mammogram today. Routine.


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Originally Posted by Pepperband
This is first and foremost a MARRIAGE BUILDING SITE.

The goal of the owners of this site is to provide a forum where married couples, or soon to be married couples, can discuss and learn the basic principles that can turn a so-so marriage or even a terribly damaged marriage into a loving caring sanctuary for both spouses.

This site does not provide basic concepts for child-rearing, and the main focus of this site is not about children.

This site does provide a basic concepts for MARRIAGE BUILDING.

The Harley's strongly support a healthy loving marriage, in part because an intact functioning marriage IS the best environment in which to raise children.

Yes, there are other functional ways to raise children, but the other ways are NOT generally considered to be THE BEST environment parents can provide.

Let me repeat - an intact happy marriage is the most positive environment for raising children.

It is often stated by people who do not value marriage as much as the Harleys value marriage: "Children are resilient.".

Yes, some children are resilient, and some children are fragile.
Both types of children, the resilient and the fragile children, do best if raised in an intact 2 parent marriage.

If we claim to believe "children are resilient", does stating this belief provide adult parents an excuse to diminish the quality of life for their children in order to test their child's "resiliency".

If children are "resilient" - does this mean we can be a little careless? A lot careless? Does this mean it's "OK" if we fail to make our marriages work by our lack of knowledge, or our laziness, or our sinful selfishness?

And if the failure of a marriage hurts the no-so-resilient child, is the child at fault for not being "resilient enough" ?

Far too often adults will say "Children are resilient" just prior to making a child's life less safe and secure.

How thoughtless.

Let's assume small children are not so resilient. Let's assume small children will be harmed when a marriage fails and parents split apart. Let's assume small children need protection from adults who make bad decisions.

Here is how Dr Harley answered a member when she wrote to him and asked Dr. Harley about " OC contact".




Quote
Subj: Marriage Builders
Date: 2/18/2002 10:00:00 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: bharley@marriagebuilders.com (Willard F. Harley, Jr.)
To:

Debi,

The position I take on children born of an affair is that since
restoring a marriage requires an unfaithful spouse to never see or talk
to the lover, it's too risky for visitation. I've witnessed time and
time again where the visitation has triggered the affair all over
again. Besides, any contact with the former lover is usually a great
offense to the betrayed spouse.

My advice is to avoid contact with the child until he or she reaches
adulthood. Otherwise there is too much risk of your marriage coming to
a tragic end.

Best wish

There are many times in an adult's life we are faced with a 2 choice dilemma.

A 2 choice dilemma means-

NEITHER CHOICE is optimal.
This means one is left with the task of choosing the LEAST HARMFUL alternative.


Decide for yourself which is the least harmful choice - because every choice involves harm to someone.

If contact with OC/OW/OM is going to push your marriage closer to divorce - what's the value of that? And, who pays the price for that chaos and uncertainty?

Pep

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Putting the 'D' in denial is no way to reconcile a marriage either. The advise of sweeping a problem - in this case, a human life - under the rug because of the possibility that an affair might be rekindled is absurd. Either you can trust that your spouse has reformed or not. Sometimes I think we need to ask ourselves,"At what cost, marriage?" I know for sure that true adulthood means taking responsibility for one's actions and making responsible decisions in the face of mistakes and missteps. Lessening the worth of another child, no matter from where their origin might come, is the least Christian, least adult advise I have ever heard on this site.

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And what is your story Angie?

What advice would you give?



Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
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My parents adopted my brother, who was the result of an affair (that did not involve either of my parents). Years later, my brother found his birth parents. They eventually married and had a dreadful life, wracked with guilt over giving up their son. They were never able to fully heal because they didn't properly resolve the issues surrounding the "quick fix" they decided upon. Not that there weren't other factors involved, but I think that when you trying just purging yourself of the "problem", it NEVER means that it goes away. (and that's not even accounting for circumstances that you might not have control over, such as the other parties' actions) My advice would be that if you perpetually have to keep all temptation out of your spouse's path, then you need to ask why you are clinging so hard to keep him/her. I truly believe that marriage should not require that spouses have a master's degree in management (or psychology for that matter) to keep it together. I am my husband's partner, not his conscience, mother, life coach or supervisor. I believe with all my heart that marriage deserves all the effort one can dedicate to it, but I think too often we revert to adolescent tactics to keep it together.

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Btw, I agree with Pep that someone in the situation where there is an OC is going to be hurt (and I would argue everyone, to some extent) BUT, in the end, the more you face the issue head-on and find a manageable solution, the more in control, not out of control, you will be.

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