This is first and foremost a
MARRIAGE BUILDING SITE.
The goal of the owners of this site is to provide a forum where married couples, or soon to be married couples, can discuss and learn the basic principles that can turn a so-so marriage or even a terribly damaged marriage into a loving caring sanctuary for both spouses.
This site does not provide basic concepts for child-rearing, and the main focus of this site is not about children.
This site does provide a basic concepts for
MARRIAGE BUILDING.
The Harley's strongly support a healthy loving marriage, in part because an intact functioning marriage IS the best environment in which to raise children.
Yes, there are other functional ways to raise children, but the other ways are NOT generally considered to be THE BEST environment parents can provide.
Let me repeat - an intact happy marriage is the most positive environment for raising children.
It is often stated by people who do not value marriage as much as the Harleys value marriage:
"Children are resilient.".
Yes, some children are resilient, and some children are fragile.
Both types of children, the resilient and the fragile children, do best if raised in an intact 2 parent marriage.
If we claim to believe "children are resilient", does stating this belief provide adult parents an excuse to diminish the quality of life for their children in order to test their child's "resiliency".
If children
are "resilient" - does this mean we can be a little careless? A lot careless? Does this mean it's "OK" if we fail to make our marriages work by our lack of knowledge, or our laziness, or our sinful selfishness?
And if the failure of a marriage hurts the no-so-resilient child, is the child at fault for not being "resilient enough" ?
Far too often adults will say "Children are resilient" just prior to making a child's life less safe and secure.
How thoughtless.
Let's assume small children are not so resilient. Let's assume small children will be harmed when a marriage fails and parents split apart. Let's assume small children need protection from adults who make bad decisions.
Here is how Dr Harley answered a member when she wrote to him and asked Dr. Harley about " OC contact".
Subj: Marriage Builders
Date: 2/18/2002 10:00:00 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: bharley@marriagebuilders.com (Willard F. Harley, Jr.)
To:
Debi,
The position I take on children born of an affair is that since
restoring a marriage requires an unfaithful spouse to never see or talk
to the lover, it's too risky for visitation. I've witnessed time and
time again where the visitation has triggered the affair all over
again. Besides, any contact with the former lover is usually a great
offense to the betrayed spouse.
My advice is to avoid contact with the child until he or she reaches
adulthood. Otherwise there is too much risk of your marriage coming to
a tragic end.
Best wish
There are many times in an adult's life we are faced with a 2 choice dilemma.
A 2 choice dilemma means-
NEITHER CHOICE is optimal.
This means one is left with the task of choosing the LEAST HARMFUL alternative.Decide for yourself which is the least harmful choice - because every choice involves harm to someone.
If contact with OC/OW/OM is going to push your marriage closer to divorce - what's the value of that? And, who pays the price for that chaos and uncertainty?
Pep