John,
You said you have written her some letters, but have you admitted to her yet the full truth of the affair? Have you told her that she was right that it was sexual? I did not see that in any of your posts here.

As for her leaving emotionally, maybe thats true, maybe it isn't. Maybe its like her version of rewriting marital history as a response to not feeling like you were actually trying to recover. Who knows? I just don't see what help to your situation analyzing her motivations can bring.

I don't think printing out anything from this site will be helpful right now. Your wife is heading out the door and you need to shock her into hesitating and reevaluating. Maybe thats impossible, but you need to do something that will show her that you are not the guy that wore her down emotionally over the last 2 years. It seems that the people who are replying to you with a unanimous voice believe that complete and honest disclosure is the way to do that.

So how do I shock her into hesitating and reevaluating?

Have you confessed that the affair was physical yet?

No, thats going to cause her to hesitate and reevaluate?

John, Why would she want to stay with someone who lies to her? This is still all about you and what you want.

You need a plan. I strongly urge you to call the Harley's counseling center for an appointment for yourself. They can help you develop a plan to recover your integrity and hopefully heal your wife and your marriage.

This is not therapy, it is a marital recovery plan.

It is way way way cheaper than divorce. Even if your wife does not want counseling, you will benefit from straight-shooting advice in developing a plan.

I'm having a hard time believing that doing this after two years is going to be benefical, when the things she keeps reitterating on dont mention the physical part of affair just the fact that i did it period and the two years she spent trying to get through it by herself and believing that I wasnt trying to help. Will my insurance cover any sessions with the Harleys. I have begun counseling sessions already.

Good grief man - how could you claim that you were working on the M for the last two years, when what you actually did was to continue lying to your W to protect your own [censored]?

It's time to man-up, fess-up, let her know what YOU would like your future to be with her, and leave the decisions she has to make to her. Stop trying to manipulate your BW with your dishonesty!

John, she is right about the two years. You weren't trying to help her heal, you were trying to make the problem go away without being truthful.

Let me tell you a little bit of my story. My H lied to me for 2 years after I first discovered his A. He kept taking it further and further underground.

There were secret cell phones. When I heard them ringing, he watched me go through breakdowns and still tried to make me think I had imagined the sounds. When I found the phones, he lied to me about the frequency of calls. The day of my mother's funeral I went through his cell phone records for one of the secret phones and discovered months of many calls a day.

We had one more D-day after that-- I tell you, he was a hard, hard case. By the time of the last D-day, I was severely traumatized. In many ways, leaving would have been easier. I certainly had no hope left that this man could recover his integrity.

We had one compelling reason to try to keep it together-- a special needs teen who badly needs us both. That was the only reason. Not even our 30 years together-- just a last ditch effort to try to keep from shattering our child's life even further.

He turned over his work pager and work email access to me. He is fully accountable for every move. It has taken him months to get over his wayward attitudes, but he has come a long, long way. He accepts responsibility for the damage he caused to me (and there is indeed long-term damage to me.)

He is a different man today. I am in love with him again, and he with me. I never thought that could happen.

Find the $195 to schedule an appointment. Good grief, around here divorce attorneys come at $300 an hour, and you have to have 2 of them!

You need to find your courage. That is what you are lacking. The rest of it is just excuses.

The benefit to the coaching center here is that it is extremely practical and will help you make a plan. You need a plan with concrete action to take. It is not a waste of money. It will save you money and help you become a better man.

John - I was lied to, over and over and over again, for nearly a year after we began recovery. I was lied to about the length of the affair, and about other affairs.

I don't know if I can explain to you, properly, how insanely CRAZY it made me fee.

There is nothing ... nothing worse you can do to a loved one than to continually LIE to them.

Stop it.

Stop it right now. It is NOT loving. It is NOT protecting. It is CRUEL and INHUMANE!

Tell you wife the truth, John. The longer you wait, the more resentment she will hold against you.

Maybe, maybe not. Its not what you are confessing that is as important as the act itself. You have been a liar for years now and that is almost certainly a great contributor to your wife's distance and hopelessness now. So how do you correct that problem? With honesty.

By confessing everything and laying it all out in the open, you just might cause your wife to think "I'm not used to honesty from him, maybe he CAN change" or something along those lines. Or she might use it to validate all the resentment she has built up from being manipulated and immediately file for divorce.

Can you answer this question...
Does your wife deserve to know the truth? Or does she deserve to be manipulated through misinformation?

The answer should be obvious as should your course of action.

I did tell her I want my future to be her and our son, maninmotion. Alright Andrew What am I suppose to say in this letter. Am to go into extreme detail. She knows I've told her everything except admitting to the physical part of the affair. By doing this what outcomes can I come to possibly expect, so that I can prepare myself mentally for this. I'm already a wreak as it is.

why don't you put a simple letter together and post it here. You were going to do that a few days ago.

She might still leave you, but if you can't find your integrity you have no chance of a full and happy life with her or anyone else. If you can become an honest man you might just have a chance.

John

I don’t post here much but have been around for several years. You need to listen to these people here and come clean.

Over several years my WS has lied to me and I’ve always know whether she was willing to admit it or not. Over time your BS has gotten tired of the lies; trust me she knows. I suggest the only way for you to start to rebuild your marriage is honesty.

Take care and I wish you the best of luck

And no, leave out the extreme detail, keep it simple, but offer to answer her questions fully and to take a polygraph if she desires.

No, don't go into extreme detail. She gets to decide how much she wants to know. Your resonsibility is to be open and honest with any questions she has.

I would keep it pretty short and simple. I would start by validating her feelings about the last 2 years regarding your approach to recovery and how you were not completely honest with her. You can list a few reasons such as not wanting to hurt her more, or you were too ashamed to admit or whatever, but make it clear that those are just excuses to avoid doing what you had an obligation to do: be honest. Take responsibility for the damage done by the repeated lying, and then come clean and admit that the affair was sexual, and I would give the timeframe that it was. Tell her that you will answer any and all questions that she has without hesitation or equivocation.

In conclusion, I would stress that you are telling her this now not to hurt her or manipulate her, but for the sole reason that she deserves to know the truth. Then apologize again for keeping it from her for so long. Finish off by restating your desire to do whatever it takes to help her heal from this and will respect any decision she makes regarding the marriage. Tell her you love her, are extremely remorseful and ashamed for hurting her through your selfishness, and you want to spend your life making it up to her.


On a final note, this isn't "Andrew's plan to get John to confess to his wife." This is the first step of the Marriage Builders Recovery Plan. I am just one of many voices in this thread trying to bring you around.

What about when she said that she realized that she had been leaving mentally for the last two years. How can she right telling she gave it her all, and then make comment. Then she directs the last two years telling me she feels I did nothing. i would ask her if she wanted to talk about it during that time and she would tell me whats the point in talking about its not going to change anything this is something I got to get through. I'm making excuses here this is what she was telling me during the two years.

I'm not sure I understand what your last post is asking.

You haven't done anything for the last two years John. WAKE UP!!! You have been going through the motions and that's it. You have been lying to her and yourself for two years and you still don't see it. Why in the world would she care if you talk to her more or whatever efforts you see yourself doing the past two years if she still knows you aren't telling her the truth? As far a she is concerned you are still lying and therefore everything that comes out your mouth is a lie. She has absolutely no reason to believe anything you say or do. You say you will do anything to save your marriage and help your wife but you are more worried about covering your butt still. I went through the lies and omissions for about 3 months. I can't imagine how mentally draining 2 years can be. You can pat yourself on the back for whatever effort you think you have made in recovering your marriage, but it was all smoke and mirrors. If you don't want to fess up then perhaps divorce is the route to go for you because your wife doesn't deserve this cruelty.

I've come to accept the fact I did abandon her emotionally during the two years and i did just want it to go away, but now that she makes this comment, doesnt she have any accountability to the fact that she wasnt completely emotionally committed?

John

It does not matter what she has or has not done. It doesn’t matter whether she has given 10% or 100% to make the marriage work. Yes, all BS plan to leave, why wouldn’t we? If you want the marriage to work you and only you had better come clean. Listen to Andrew and others here.