I don't get it. I don't understand why I am so upset about this. Well, my EX and I were married for 13+ Years. Last year, our marriage was in limbo and we weren't really sure how things were going to go. Well, here we are, a year later, we separated on the 21st of August 07, and our D was final on the 14th of February 08. Well, I know we both need to move on, but why is it that I am in total shock that he is dating someone? Wow...Well, I found out there she basically stays at his place when our boys are not there. I just feel so weird about this whole situation. I am mad at myself for even being upset about it. I mean, I DON'T want him back, I didn't want the divorce either. He is the one who left...It still just hurts me from time to time I guess, but it is one of those things that I just need to let go of. I never thought that he would move on so quickly...

I have met someone, although we are NOT AT ALL moving at such a quick pace as he. We have been friends for almost a year, talking on the phone, out on 2 dates, i consider him more of a friend than anything else. I don't know, It is just really weird. I hate that I am reacting this way....I just feel like I am gonna throw up!!! BLAH!

I think it's normal to feel like you do, although there are different degrees.

It does go away with some time. Many hugs in the meantime.

Thanks so much for the comment...yes, I know it's normal. I feel better now, alhtough I still feel like I am going to puke. I have to look at it as, He is a totally differnt man...He doesn't care about me or my feelings anymore. That is the hard part...and I guess I will never understand. It is just one more realization that he has really moved on. I need to to, but am not going to jump in the sac with the first person I start seeing. This girl is well known, she too just got out of a relationship. I think back to all the reasons he says he walked away..."I am not happy...I want to discover myself...I need to get to know ME" Whatever...you just wanted to play the field. It's a rebound I am sure, and I don't think it is going to last. She will see him for who he really is. I am sure of it and have no doubt in my mind. It is just hard to thikn of the father of my kids sleeping with someone else. I just can't even get myself to think about doing that because it is something so sacred. I know for men though, it is something else. Wow. That is all I can say...WOW.

I don't know you or your ex, but the first thing I thought of was, you expected him to go a full year without having sex? Men (most men) don't approach this subject the same way women do. Not a matter of whether they even get a personal payback for sex - more of a physical release. It's what keeps the species going, kwim? Not trying to make short of your pain, just to try to help you realize that, if he didn't have the biological urge males are given, he too may have gone as long as you or taken things as slowly as you. So can you try to see it not as a personal assessment of you, but more closely something he feels he has to do?

I have to chime in cause I am a man... There are some of us out there that feel the intimacy of sex between husband and wife is sacred. In 19 years of marraige, I never once cheated (and I was approached blatantly more than once). And, I never felt more love for my X then when she was in my arms late at night.

Recently at my gym, a member told me of a woman there that wanted to go out with me. She is attractive but too wild for me (she drinks alot) so I politely sent the message back that I did not want to date anyone. The next message was that was fine, do I want to have SF with her? I did not send a message back. I don't want SF with someone that I don't care to be with no matter how good looking she is.

So, don't jump to conclusions that all men just want sex and don't care who it is with. Some of us want it to be with someone we care deeply for and I am willing to wait for this person.

I echo something Cat said. Do not take this as a reflection on You. Actually, I just noticed that a lot of this happened in your husband's early thirties. I've watched several men totally freak when they hit 30. It's like "OMG. I'm getting OLD! I want to be 22 again. I gotta be free. I don't want to be a man, I want to be Peter Pan." Sometimes I wonder if our hedonistic youth society doesn't dim the glories and wonder of being an adult. Adulthood is MUCH better than I expected it to be, and I fought it for a long while.

Anywho, back to you. Don't think of them doing the deed. If you start to, imagine instead that your ex is having performance issues. Or maybe, in his search for himself, he's started taking steriods with testicular shrinkage effect.

When I was 22 I was married and owned my own home, but I was still an idiot. I don't ever want to be 22 again.

I love the 30's. I could stay this age forever.

and if you're gonna spew, spew into this(holds out paper cup)

ok, maybe I'm still an idiot

I have to agree with you here. I am sorry for just saying that it is a man thing, because really, it depends on the person.

My ex is the type that can't be alone. I mean, really. I am not at all shocked that he is with someone already. It hurts yes, but at the same time, I have to remember the reasons why we are no longer married. We were together for 14 years. I never once cheated on him or even thought about it. I was very devoted. I too feel is is sacred to share. I guess him on the other hand feels differnet. He told me once before that I always told him if he was going to cheat, then leave me first...well, that is exactly what happend. He was in a rut, not happy, and wanted to find himself. I am glad that he didn't cheat on me while we were together.

The last year and a half has been hard. he was the one who pulled away, said he was just not happy and din't know what would make him happy. He felt it was the marriage. I could understand that to be honest, because I too was not happy. We were in this rut and didn't know how to get out. We both went to counseling, but by then, it was just too late. He didn't want it anymore. I think he had his mind made up. Our marriage was over in his eyes, he wanted out, but stuck around for an extra 8 months then finally told me he was leaving.

I am much happier now yes. I no longer walk around with my head down. But it hurts to see him move on and just be so happy. I know, I need to let it go, and I am trying. I feel like it is ME...I wasn't good enough. Along comes this girl who is 9 years younger, party animal, and she was recently engaged and now is living with my ex. Oh well, not my problem. I know I have high hopes for me, and I am not rushing into anything with anyone until I know I am ready.

I don't feel like I am going to throw up anymore. It is just another thing I have to deal with. I am happy to finally know the truth and know that they are really together and that yes, she is staying with him. I exected it to happen, although it may seem soon for me, for him, it is probably the right time. I will get over it....My focus is on ME and my beautiful boys.

I found out from my son that my ex has talked about my boys meeting her. I asked him how he felt about it, and he said he didn't care. I know it does. I told him that no matter what, he had to be nice to her and respect her because she is the new person in his life. Then he changed the subject. I don't know how I feel about this, I think it is too soon, but I am not saying anything to the ex about it. I can't stop him from having them meet her.

I'm letting it go...and moving forward. I know all of this is just a process and part of recovering fron divorce. The sooner I get through it, the better I will be....

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! This had me cracking up. Sorry...Yes, my FIL even said that it sounds like my ex has hit his mid life thing...crisis??? He was really depressed, feeling the same way ,using the whole, "I don't want to live the rest of my life unhappy!" Go for it!

I told a very dear friend of mine that I see my ex with a girl who is at least 10 years younger. I told him that and he said, "You think I want an imature girl???" Well, yeah, she is 9 years younger, and hangs out at the bar. I live in a small town and people talk. I seroiusly won't be surprised if he marries her??? She will keep him young. She will put up with his gambling, drinking, smoking...I just wish he would put our boys first. Then again, this doesn't surprise me.

I am moving forward. I am about to graduate college with my bachelors degree. I just landed a 2nd job to make ends meet and I am really putting the focus on ME and on my kids. They are my strength.

Haha...Shrinkage effect. You know, somone once said to me. "Well, think if it this way...she is getting what you got...and it really wasn't all that, was it????" LOL. I hate to be honest, but yeah...that is all I'm gonna say!

This is an important comment. I think you're doing great with moving forward and bettering yourself, but have you ever worked on this? Maybe with a counselor? If you can learn to like yourself more, it can make a big difference in your general outlook on life.

Not saying there's anything wrong with you, just that I see the possibility that you don't take good enough care of yourself, don't give yourself a break, because deep down you may not feel you deserve it. (you do) It's pretty common for women to do this, to learn to be the Giver and ignore themselves.

ROTFLMAO. "it wasn't all that..."

The sad thing is your ex probably isn't as happy as he's acting. My guess is he'll live to regret divorcing you.

If he even does regret divorcing me, all I can say to that is that I will NEVER hear it from his lips. That is okay.

I too have a friend, BUT....There is a major differnece. This gentleman and I have known one another for years. We started talking back in October, and it has not gone any further. We hung out together with our friends....but did not in any way act like we were interested in one another. I totally believe in taking things slow. Now, here it is, almost 9 months since we have really been talking, and we finally asked me out to coffee....I have agreed to go. But that's it.

I see "hear" of my ex shacking up with this girl, and it really makes me feel better now. I mean, the quicker I get through this, the quicker I will heal. He just needs to remember our kids come first no matter what. I just hope he never puts his girlfriend before them.

My focus in my kids, work, school...I am doing all thins to better myself. I am in NO HURRY to have someone in my life. I am not affraid to be alone...I am actually beginning to enjoy it!

I know I will get blasted for this comment, but here goes anyway.

I don't think the problem is your husband going out dating. He is now single and he can do as he pleases in that area. It is none of your business, unless it negatively impacts your children. Then you must talk to him about it.

But, the real problem is this: "Now, here it is, almost 9 months since we have really been talking, and we finally asked me out to coffee....I have agreed to go. But that's it."

Nine months of talking for one coffee date? Do one or both of you not have a pulse? The problem is you are going much to slow.... assuming you really want to meet a good man. If not, then keep on taking nine months before a coffee date.

UPDATE:

Okay, it has been WEEKS, since I responded, I have to say, lots has happend....

I am no longer bothered about EX and his girlfriend. I have come to realize it is NON of my business. So, be it, It is what it is. I just hope she will be good to my children...EX has not brought her around my youngest....they are with him for 2 weeks and she has not been around at all. I think that my EX is realizing the focus he needs to put on the boys and is doing so. I just hope it continues. For our children's sake. He still treats me pretty badly, communication is null....If I call, he won't answer, then he will later text me and say, "What do you need?" I tell him, "Call me, because I am NOT going to communicate with you this way.".

As far as me and coffee man? yeah, well, things didn't work out, which is fine with me. The reason why it took 9 months is because for 6 of them, he was deployed overseas. He got back and we had plans to go to coffee, but I was the one who called it off. I saw things in the way he commucated that were red flags. Its funny how differnt things were when he was so far away. He did help me through a very difficult time, and I am very thankful...But, things were just so complicated for me...I am simply not ready and want to focus on my kids, as well as myself. We don't even talk anymore, I have no idea why, but he decided to completely quit talking to, which kinda threw me for a loop because I thought we were pretty good friends....Again, another one of his hangups.

There are lots of lessons to learn here....and I am definitly learning them!!!!

I for one think you are still bothered but that's okay... it's normal and with some of us it takes more time to move on.

I'm curious. Do you equate limited communication with poor treatment? Because I would disagree with that. I don't care to speak with my ex on the phone and certainly not in person beyond a couple of words during a face to face exchange. I also don't bother with pleasantries like "Hello" or "Goodbye". I prefer that we keep our correspondence to email and the occasional text message. This is my boundary and she doesn't have any right to dictate how I'll talk to her when she needs to make contact. If I got a response like the one you sent, it would get ignored, and I'd assume that if what she wanted was important enough, she'd text or email me.

Seabird, now I've seen two examples (myself and this one) where women expect their X's to communicate with them regarding the children. I call this "co-parenting".
Could it be perhaps that you are a conflict avoider? I don't want to exchange pleasantries with my X. I want to get basic questions answered like: When will I see my kids again? Will you watch them while I travel on business? (he typicallydoesn't respond. Nor does he ever ask who cared for his children when he chose not to).

I'm curious, is your lack of response something your X complains about?
Can you understand our frustrations?

newly - Please don't confuse refusal-to-communicate with communication-on-my-terms only. It's not the same thing. Momma doesn't specify why communicating via text is inadequate. She only insists on a phone call from her ex. To me, this suggests a possible desire to control his behavior. There are a number of reasons I prefer to email and text. Documentation and clarity for one thing. It removes the whole "he said, she said" element in case there is conflict. It's much easier to point to a written transcript and say, "This is what we agreed to". In situations where things are contentious (as they seem to be in all of our situations), why wouldn't everyone seek the protection in the kind of clarity that is more easily obtained through written discourse? I also want to eliminate any emotional element.

So, to answer your question, I would only understand your frustration if there was absolutely NO opportunity to communicate. That doesn't appear to be the case with Momma. Just because her ex isn't willing to speak with her on her terms, doesn't mean that he's not willing to communicate.

Do you see the distinction there?

C'mon newly... I've been here long enough... Do you REALLY think I'm a conflict avoider? LOL!

And really quick, before it gets brought up... I hope that everyone also sees how my post about getting text messages from my DD via her mom, is an altogether different matter.

Hey Momma

Don't feel bad about ANY feelings. These feelings come because you lived a LARGE CHUNK of your life with the belief that your husbands promise to you on your wedding day was good. When you live such a long time thinking you would ALWAYS be together, and you split up, it must take A LONG LONG time to reset your emotional clock. Don't feel bad. He should, not you.

And when you say "its a man thing" I understand that you don't mean 100% of men. To me, if 51% of men are sex maniacs, then ITS A MAN THING. It just means the majority. Like the previous poster, sex is way down on my list, except for making love to my wife. But I realize I am in the minority. And before I got married, I WAS your typical guy in that regard.

And you take it as slooooooow as you like. You do whats comfortable for YOU.