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I'm not sure I understand what your last post is asking. He wants to know when we're going to start placing the blame on his BW. johnpc73, your thread is becoming tiring and frustrating. You've been told what you need to do and yet you still haven't done it. You've got plenty of people here who are willing to help you try and recover your marriage and yet you won't LISTEN TO THEM even though their advice is unanimous. Stop going around and around as to why you don't think it's a good idea to tell your BW the whole truth. YOU don't know anything. If you did, maybe your marriage would be recovered and you wouldn't be here asking for help and advice. They people here DO know what they're talking about. They've given you the help and advice you need, so take it and use it already.
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johnpc73
I have been reading this post for a while. Sorry I have not posted.
John you sound like my H. When are you going to wake up! You for a very long time, you did nothing.
Lets see, If you write this letter, you have hope.
If you don’t, there is no hope. Its that simple.
You have been a cheater and a liar for toooooooo long. Your wife knows that. You are treating her like a idiot doormat. Give her the dignity and respect that she deserve.
You have to prove to her, you love her, in love with her, protect her, be totally honest with her, now and forever!
You have done nothing, nothing at all. She waited and waited, you sat there and did nothing.
What did you expect her to do..... She waited for you to GROW UP.
I cannot believe the amount of people here that are giving you great advise. We are here for that reason, because we have been there......
You are going to regret you doing nothing.
You are capable in writing here, why aren't you capable in writing to your wife....
Don't you get it. She still sees you as a cheater and a liar now. That is what you are. You are not protecting her, you are protecting your sorry [censored]. You brushed it under the carpet for 2 years. Guess what it didn't work.
Listen to yourself.
BW 49 (me), WH 46, married 22 years
10/5/2007 found out about the affair
11/3/2007 H moved out
11/20/2007 H moved back in
2/1/2008 H moved out again
3/18/2008 H filed for divorce
6/10/2008 H moved back home
Today-In recovery, but a long road ahead.
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What about when she said that she realized that she had been leaving mentally for the last two years. How can she right telling she gave it her all, and then make comment. Then she directs the last two years telling me she feels I did nothing. i would ask her if she wanted to talk about it during that time and she would tell me whats the point in talking about its not going to change anything this is something I got to get through. I'm making excuses here this is what she was telling me during the two years. I wanted to go back to this and explain something. Your lying put your wife at extreme risk for emotional breakdown. The only possible way to live with a liar and keep some little shred of sanity is to mentally rehearse leaving. I did it every single day. Of course she was mentally leaving you for the last two years-- because you drove her to it. Man up. Stop blaming her for anything. She is not to be blamed here. You want to fix it? Own it. ALL OF IT. Get over the idea that she owes you anything. She does not. You do, however, owe yourself and her a great deal, and it starts with truth.
Chrysalis
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I've come to accept the fact I did abandon her emotionally during the two years and i did just want it to go away, but now that she makes this comment, doesnt she have any accountability to the fact that she wasnt completely emotionally committed? No. Her accountability is not your problem. If she comes here, we can help her, but you are here, and you are the only one we can help. She didn't owe you complete emotional commitment. She still doesn't. She may at some point choose to commit to you again, but you have a lot of work to do. Do you want to save your marriage or not? If you do, you absolutely have to get over the idea that you get to limit your consequences or the amount of work you have to do or how honest you have to be.
Chrysalis
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I know. I'm terrified at what the outcome wil be. I dont want to lose her. I spent the last two years falling in love with all over again, I love her more now than I probably ever did in our relationship. It sucks! And I know it, but it still sucks.
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I know. I'm terrified at what the outcome wil be. I dont want to lose her. I spent the last two years falling in love with all over again, I love her more now than I probably ever did in our relationship. It sucks! And I know it, but it still sucks. "I am terrified at what the outcome will be"-- now these are honest words. The next words need to be "I will do whatever it takes to make the changes I need to make."
Chrysalis
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I know. I'm terrified at what the outcome wil be. I dont want to lose her. I spent the last two years falling in love with all over again, I love her more now than I probably ever did in our relationship. It sucks! And I know it, but it still sucks. She has been emotionally leaving for the last 2 years because you have been LYING to her for 2 years. Even NOW you want to save your own skin an don't CARE about her at all. You're upset that your pet is getting out of her cage. I'd leave you too. If you can't be man enough to take the first step and continue on this tortuous mess of your OWN MAKING then I woulcn't blame your wife for leaving. I'd buy her a taxi fare. You have already lost her John. She's gone. You can turn this around but your weasel words are not going to do it for you.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Alright Andrew I'm going to need your help here,I'm not the best at expressing myself, thats part of reason for the counseling. Here something I've written.
I have been doing an injustice to you the last two years in not being completely honest with you about the affair. I dont want to hurt you anymore than what you are already hurting. I was too ashamed to admit it thinking I was protecting you, but in reality I was only hurting you more. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I feel i owe you the respect of being completely honest with you. At the end of the affair before you had found out, the relationship had become physical. I love you and I'm ashamed and i hate myself for hurting you by trying to protect myself. I'm terrified at the outcome this will cause you to choose, but I will try to accept the decision you make. I do love you, and I'm willing and want to do what ever it takes to make this up to you.I will answer any questions that you may about the affair at anytime without question. Just know that I'm not doing this to hurt you more, but because you deserve to know the truth.
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John,
I am not very good at writing letters myself but as a BW, that is the first genuine thing that you have typed since your first post. I would have been thrilled to get that letter from my WH. Whether it will cut through the grief and despair of two years of lies, I don't know but you will know that you have made the effort.
I don't know if you are a praying man but as a praying woman, know you will be in mine.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Dear xxxx,
I have been doing an injustice to you over the last two years by not being completely honest with you about the affair. I told myself the whole truth would only hurt you more, but in reality, I was just protecting myself and trying to avoid the consequences of my affair. I convinced myself that I was committed to recovery, but I see now what you saw then. I see how far short I fell of your expectations. You were good enough to offer me another chance and gave me 2 more years of your life, and I repaid that gift with further dishonesty. I cannot express how ashamed I am that I have caused you this pain.
I owe you the respect of being completely honest with you. At the end of the affair before you had found out, the relationship had become physical. It is your choice to decide how much or how little you want to know, and although it may not mean much, I promise that I will answer any question you have without hesitation or reservation. I love you and I'm ashamed and I hate myself for hurting you by trying to protect myself.
I'm terrified at the outcome this will cause you to choose, because above all I don't want to lose you. I will accept whatever decision you make, and if you choose divorce, I will help make it as easy as possible. I do love you, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this up to you. I'm so sorry for what I have done to you. Just please know that I'm not writing this to hurt you more, but because you deserve to know the truth.
Love,
xxxx You wrote a good letter John. I made a few small wording and formatting changes. Maybe some other members will chime in with their thoughts.
Last edited by andrew3; 08/27/08 07:51 AM.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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I appreciate your help Andrew. I'm very scared to do this. Like tou said it will either be the final nail in the coffin or it willhelp her heal and she will want to give this a third chance as she likes to put it.
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John, please let us know how it goes. You are taking the first steps to making this as right as you can.
Chrysalis
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I dont feel very good about the outcome, she's already told me that she has alot resentment and bitterness from the last two years. She told me how that she was sorry that this had blindsided me and I thought we were getting better, but that she cant help feel like this is a little vindication for how I blindsided her two years ago with the affair but mine was worse. It's when she says things like that make me believe that its the anger that has been talking and not really her. If that makes any sense.
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You will face resentment for a while. Have you read up on meeting her emotional needs on this site? There is a great deal of excellent information. The more you can do to meet her emotional needs (openness and honesty is a big one for most betrayed spouses) in the ways that are meaningful to her, the better your chances are.
Chrysalis
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Which of the ten listed do I need to read up on. All of them?
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Which of the ten listed do I need to read up on. All of them? Do you have any idea which ones are most important to her of the 10? Start with those. For many women it includes conversation, affection, domestic support--- what has she asked you to do in your relationship that you have felt was unnatural for you? Often that will point to a big emotional need that you can learn to meet. The cool thing is that we can all learn to meet our spouse's needs better.
Chrysalis
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When do you plan to give her the letter? Don't put this off.
Chrysalis
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I wont see her again until sunday. i'll give it to her then. Well she's been saying that I abdandoned her emotionally the last 2 years and i havent been giving her the attention that she needed.
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I wont see her again until sunday. i'll give it to her then. Maybe some other members can chime in here, but I don't know if literally handing it to her is a good idea. It kind of puts her on the spot if she decides to open it right then. You know her best though. Your call. Well she's been saying that I abdandoned her emotionally the last 2 years and i havent been giving her the attention that she needed. How do you respond to these statements by her? Can you guess what her top ENs are? Don't ask her, just start doing what you can to meet these needs without making a huge show of it.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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