I saw a therapist today. Don't know if I learned anything new or if she just reitterated the situation. I hope the therapy and this website can both be beneficial and not cross contaminate each other.

My co-worker told me last night that sometimes I talk to people in a condensaying manner. I didnt quite know what that meant, she basically said that I talk to people like they 're dumb. I felt so bad when I heard this. One because I have never been told about this, and two that I have probably, no definitley been talking to my wife like this for the past nine years. This is what she meant when she said she felt like she had to walk on eggshells around me. Thats a horrible feeling to have, she probably didnt even want to come sometimes. She said this was one of the added things that brought her to want a separation. For nine years I was constantly withdrawing love units and not even knowing it. How do I stop myself when I dont know Im doing it until its too late.

John, print out 2 copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire on this site. You might consider telling your wife just what you wrote here-- that you realize how wrong you have been in the way you have talked to her-- and want to change the things about yourself that have hurt her. Ask her if she would consider filling one out as a favor to you.

But first, she needs the truth told to her. I think you could have a short conversation with her, tell her you are learning a great deal about how wrong you have been about many things, and want to change. Then give her the letter and tell her she may want to read it privately. If she is receptive to you in the conversation, you might be able to give her the questionnaire at the same time, but that is really a judgment call.

And you should also tell her that you bear all the responsibility for what has gone wrong, and that you know that. That is something my H has done repeatedly. The first 500 times or so I didn't much trust what he was saying, but now it gives me great comfort.

Her initial reaction is likely to be very upset, but this can often change over time. Be persistent in learning and doing everything you possibly can to change your behavior. Be persistent in trying to demonstrate loving and humble behavior. Do not give up hope too easily.

I do plan on telling her when I see her this weekend. I dont think that she will do the questionaire. I was talking with my therapist and she was saying that she was in a sort of payback mode and that she is not going to be receptive to anything right now. She says she wants to see me hurt just like she has been hurting for the last two years and that I gotta take it right now because its just deserved. I just wish she would believe that counseling could be helpful, but she's basing everything on the last experience we had with counseling and she wont listen to anything right now. Maybe in time.

Any suggestions on how to lift youself out of a depressing funk?

John, Some depression is a normal part of remorse, I think. Dr. Harley suggests that for a period of time when this is all new, both spouses often benefit from anti-depressants. If you are feeling really crummy, you should talk to your doctor about this.
I also think taking positive action will help. What good things can you do to benefit your wife today?

therapist suggested i minimize communication to two to three times a week and when i do make sure she knows I love her and that I'm here if she needs me, but also to make sure she knows that I'm hurting. She believes she is in a payback mode and wants to see me hurt the way she's been hurting for the last two years.She doesnt want me to seem to needy.

You think thats some decent advice?

Hard to say, not really knowing you or your W, but it makes some sense. However, it doesn't really speak to your depression. It also doesn't give you a plan of action.

I would like you to do some serious reading on Emotional Needs and Plan A on this site. Plan A is usually applied to the betrayed spouse, but right now you are the one who wants to save the M, you are the one who is here, and you are the one who can work on yourself to help things get better.

Plan A is a plan of making yourself into a better H and showing your W that you can and will meet her emotional needs.

Read, read read the articles, think hard and long, and come back and talk to us.

But don't waver about giving her that letter.

I have been reading how to survive an affair. Can you really apply plan A to my situation? Me and my therapist are working on me becoming a better husband and the issues that I have. I havent seen her in person since I have been going to the therapist. I plan on telling her about my sessions and what we talk about when I see her this weekend. I think the depression I felt today came from pure lonliness, being in the house by myself with all the memories and pictures. I guess it got to me. I had been doing pretty well all week up until this afternoon. I didnt have anyone to talk to everyone was at work. It started to build up inside, but I finally got ahold of my mother and I unloaded on her and now I feel better,plus i have my son for a couple of days. She's not willing to spend any time with me right now so its hard to try to meet any of her emotional needs. The only real way she will respond to me is through texting, and she only gives quick answers. If I ask how her day was at work, she will answer "fine." But will never go into any detail.

John,

How are you today? Did you give your wife the letter? How did it go seeing her yesterday?

John,

Haven't followed your situation much at all. I just clicked on it after I saw Chrysalis post on it, but I thought I'd maybe have something to offer you.

There is a movie coming out later this month called Fireproof. It's by the people that made "Facing the Giants" which if you haven't seen rent it ASAP. These are faith-based Christian movie's that made it mainstream.

"Fireproof" is about saving a trouble disconnected marriage.

The website is www.fireproofthemovie.com

Ask your wife to go. You MAY want to order tickets to it early on-line as the churches may sell out the first few days/weeks in your area. If she won't go...go yourself, it looks like it's going to be great.

Mr. Wondering

John,
How have things been going?

My wife isnt talking to me right now. Therapist wasnt 1oo% with me giving the letter, but I didnt it anyways based on what you all said. Now i'm second guessing what you said. Therapist thought I should of waited until she actually asked, like when she was ready to try therapy. I might have really lost her for good now.

John,
What do you mean she is not talking to you? Is she hanging up on you? Did she say she didn't want to talk to you?
Even if she will not speak with you, you can keep trying. You can give her another letter, this time saying that you are prepared to do whatever it takes to build the marriage she deserved all along. And tell her you want her to come home and be a family together.
Telling her the truth did not drive her away. The previous lies and selfishness on your part did. You took a big step towards becoming the kind of man you want to be by telling the truth.
My marriage only started to heal after my H took full responsibility for nuking it. There are no guarantees, and never were, that your wife will be willing to give you another chance, but you can control your actions and choices from here on-- and you should always choose integrity and respect.

I would be very wary of any therapist that counseled you to withhold the truth from your wife. Hadn't your wife been asking you for the truth for the last 2 years?

Recovery is impossible without honesty. Giving her the letter was probably the first act of respect and care that you have given her in a long time. We told you that it may be the final nail so to speak, but that was not your choice to make. Trying to win someone back with dishonesty and manipulation is the antithesis of love.

Regardless of whether or not you can recover your marriage, giving her the letter marked the first step of your journey back to honesty and integrity. Your wife will remember that.

You keep saying she was asking but she didnt it was a comment that she had made once in thelasttwoyearsthatswhy the therapist said what she did,not because she didnt want me to tellher, she wanted it be a different time to bring that all up. she know its the act itself that she having a hard time withthe affair itself and me not being there emotionally and leaving
herto figure it out on her own. These are words she said herself to me so I'm not assuming anything here. She told me she was bitter and resentful for how I wasnt there for her the last two years and that she was sorry that this blindsided me but that she cant help but think that this was a little retribution for the way I blindsided her with the affair only what i did to her was worse. You know only up to a couple of weeks before she left she was already planning when to get pregnant with our second child. When someone is saying things like that youre not necessarily thinking something is wrong with the relationship. This is what i mean about our issue with communicating with each other, only talk about the good never dicuss the bad, and apparently there is alot of bad.

she's upset with me not being straight with her and she doesnt want to speak with me right now. I've already told her that in letter already. The therapist thinks that she is scared try again right now because she afraid of trying again and then being hurt again, she's afraid to trust me because i already abandoned her once and she afraid I'll do it again. So she's not being receptive to any kind of recovery right now, therapy or this website.

She was asking. She may have stopped verbally asking after being lied to for so long, but she was asking. Don't you ever wish your partner could just read your mind and know what you want without having to say a word? You've already said she is not a good communicator. If she wanted out she could have left a long time ago but for some reason she stayed even though she struggled. Her actions look like they were crying out to you and you continued to withhold what she wanted...the truth. I would image that the length of time the lies or omission of the truth went on just wore her down.

She was planning to get pregnant just weeks ago and then left. Maybe she didn't want to compound the problem with another child. I don't know, but it seems like you expect her to coming running back to you. It is very hard for me to recover from months of lies; I can't imagine years. Give her some time and don't give up hope just yet.

I definitley dont expect her to come running back to me. If I were her I would be doing the same thing. I would want to see her make the effort for the marriage and see that she is serious about wanting to change. I havent given up. I'm just so antsy about having all this information from this website and the therapist that I want to shower her with it but i cant and thats frustrating.