Dr. Harley: Forgiveness is something I believe in with all my heart. I forgive others and have been forgiven many times. God wants us all to be forgiving just as he has forgiven us.

And, as you have noticed, when you don't forgive someone, it can "eat you up." It's not healthy to keep resentment bottled up inside of you.

The vast majority of couples I counsel who have been through the horror of an affair, have better marriages after the affair than before. It's because the affair jolts them into recognizing the need for building an affair-proof marriage, and the safety precautions they use help them create compatibility and love. But has the offended spouse forgiven the offender in these marriages? Yes and no.

First let's try to understand what forgiveness is. One illustration is telling a person who owes you $10,000 that he won't have to pay you back. You "forgive" the debt. In other words, forgiveness is eliminating a obligation of some sort.

But we generally don't think of money when we think of the need of forgiveness. Instead, we are concerned about inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering -- the pain that an affair causes, for example. Forgiveness in these situations means thinking about the person as if the offense never took place. That is extremely difficult to do. The offended spouse usually thinks, what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered.

To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be stupid to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.

As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal.

So let's talk about just compensation. What could the offending spouse possibly do to compensate for an affair? After all, it's probably the most painful experiences anyone could ever put his or her spouse through.

The first act of compensation to you from your husband should be to end his relationship with the other woman once and for all. He should never see or talk to her again, even if it means leaving his job or moving your family to another state. The reason should be obvious, but in case there's some confusion, he should be reminded that every contact he will ever have with this woman will be like a knife in your heart. He has already caused you to suffer unbearable pain, and any further contact with his ex-lover would keep you suffering. In your case, the affair is probably over, but has your husband taken precautions to never see or talk to his ex-lover again?

I'm just curious what members consider to be "Just Compensation" regarding their situations.

I understand this concept, but I'm having a hard time grasping exactly what should or could be done in this regard.

What have you done (WS's)?... and what do you expect (BS's)?

WS's and BS's opinions welcome.

I don't remember anyone asking for one. But I don't think too many WS's would agree anyway.

SMB asked for and received a Post-Nup from me.

She would receive 100% cash value of business assets, home and personal assets as well. Alimony for life. She only asked for half, I offered everything. Without SMB and my family, none of those material items matter anyhow.

I had no problem signing this. I could never repay her for the damage I have done, but I can give her some peace of mind and security.

.....is there some sort of stipulation in your Post-Nup that pinpoints the reason for the divorce (i.e. adultery), or does the Post-Nup cover all reasons for divorce?

It covers all reasons for divorce!

What if she were to have an affair?

A post nup would not give me any added security because during the A when my H walked out on me he went to an attorney and filed for D and basically gave me everything. All he was going to keep were 2 vehicles which we owed more on than they were worth and a little cash. I was to keep the house with all the equity and everything in it, my paid for car (mercedes), he was to pay child support, pay for medical insurance for me and our daughter, and pay for my life insurance policy. He also wanted me to be the one to decide the custody/visitation for our daughter. I spoke to his attorney and she was actually very confused by his insistance that I get all that and she tried to talk me into going to counseling with him because she thought it was obvious he loved me. What his attorney and I both didn't know was that he had a girlfriend and this was all out of guilt.