I have dated my current BF for most of 10 years. We are both 48 yo

During the 10 yrs we took a small breather from each other for a few months. We each dated another person during that time, but ended up back with each other.

However, it doesn't look like he is ever going to actually commit to our relationship.

We don't live together because I have children and frankly don't want to live with someone because of that. I feel that if someone whats to be in my life fulltime, it will be with marriage, not a casual living together thing. I do see him everyday, and he takes on many responsibilities here at my home.

I have brought up engagment/marriage/future on occasion and always get the same answer: "hopefully sometime in the future".
Well, I fear my patience in waiting/dating is about to expire. I am feeling frustrated and resentful in this relationship.

Also I feel that since this relationship has existed for so long that both of us have lost that new relationship excitement and we have fallen into a comfortable rut that doesn't really breed the excitement that is often needed to encourage people to move to the next level in a relationship.

I don't want to have wasted all of this time that I have given this. I am even feeling a little foolish as people/family/my kids always ask when are we going to get married....and I have no answer to that.

I hate ultimatums, I don't like to give them or get them. They are so threatening.... and usually have negative outcomes. However, with our 10 yr anniversary quickly approaching I feel like I have to have at least the engagement ring (if not the date set) by our anniversary.
So I guess I have to deliver the dreaded ultimatum on this or I am going to continue to grow more resentful.

Sadly I don't even feel like I have any energy left to start over in the dating world. I think about it because it will possibly be consequence of drawing the line in the sand.... not because it is something that I look forward to. I dread the thought in fact.

I just don't want to be alone in this world... I really want to be married, to have the whole commitment. Is that wrong of me?
I think it's really scary to be alone (single) and have so much on my shoulders. (2 kids in college, a home, etc)

If I don't set this "ultimatum" though I just feel like we will always be in this limbo.

The length of time you two have known each other is only relevant if you want to be married for the sake of being married OR you want to be married to this person for who and what he is.

So many people (my hand is raised) fall for the idea of being married. You know, having that person to wake up to every day, and sharing companionship. What is lost is the connection you feel to the other person.

So, ask yourself this question

"Do I want him or do I want marriage?"

There's a difference. Look, this sig other of yours is getting the milk for free (as the old country saying goes) and it's making you frustrated. You two need to be brutally honest with each other about FUTURE means to each of you. This person may just be a great companionbut not your partner in life, you know, forever.

I am going through something similar. But with a different style. WE are talking very honestly about what we see for our future. She has given zero ultimatums.

Good luck.

I want marriage TO HIM, not just marriage.
But I am not willing to JUST date him anymore. It's time for him to get off of the proverbial pot and commit to this in a formal way so I know that we have future plans in place that we can go forward with. I want a timeline. I want to make plans with him.

Then fight like a Spartan soldier in the movie 300 to make him see that a committment means something to you. Be honest but not nagging.

So far, from what you've posted, I think you are worthy of your frustrations. Make him see you AND hear you.

Has he explained what might happen "sometime in the future" to change his outlook? Is there some goal he wants to reach ($$$, retirement, etc)?

My thinking is that he sounds like someone who will never commit to marriage, so you should decide if you want to be married or if you want him - you are unlikely to get both, as gekko said.

AGG

I totally can relate to this. My first marriage was surrounded by WANTING to be married...had little to do with HIM. I was 24 and all my friends were getting married and having babies. I HAD to have what they had. Hence the reason the marriage only lasted 2 years. I didn't really know him.

I've never been able to put it into words...just until just now! Thanks Gekko

This is a great question!! I can honestly answer that even though I saw several red flags with my ex-husband, I married him anyway. Well, after a divorce, an annulment, etc. I can honestly admit to myself that I got married because I wanted marriage, NOT him. I was 30 years old, getting scared because I was still single, and my ex proposed. I figured to myself - "something is better than nothing" and you can figure out how that worked out for me.........not very well.....

While I can now admit that I still want marriage again in the future, I am secure enough now to understand that if for some reason it never happens for me again, I'm A-OK with it. I can take care of myself, I can be happy - single.........worth it's weight in gold....

Laura

You could say to your SO: " So you know how whenever I bring up marriage, you say "hopefully sometime in the future". I noticed that our 10yr anniversary is coming up, and I wonder if that future is going to come or not. Is there some event in particular you are waiting for?"

Is he waiting for your kids to grow up? Is he worried that he will have to move into your house? Is he worried he will have to pay for your kids? Is he trying to pay off some bills?


I was reading on another website and there was a woman who had been seeing this man for 3 years. They both lived in their own houses. He proposed. She wanted to be married to him, but did not want to marry his "baggage". In this case he had a daughter with down syndrome who lives with her mother, but the mother has cancer. The guy is un/underemployed, so she is worried that if she marries him, that will turn into her moving into his house, living with his daughter, and since he doesn't have alot of money, she will end up paying for everything.
So she is happy with the situation as it is, but he would like to be married. Maybe your guy is worried about your "baggage".

And you don't have to give him an ultimatum, you just have to set your boundaries. So don't say "If you don't propose, I am leaving."
But you can ask "Are you planning on proposing?" and then if the answer is no, you can take actions accordingly.

I, myself, had been dating somebody all throughout college. When senior year started, I was thinking about the future. Would we stay together? Should we look for jobs in the same area?
So I asked him: "Do you think we will get married (after we graduate)? Because if you want to, that is great with me. But if not, I would like a chance to meet other people."
We just had our 21st anniversary this year.

SB, I would explain to him that your house is no longer for RENT, it is only FOR SALE. You will give him an opportunity to buy the house, but if not, you are moving on. If he wants to buy it, he would need to give you a ring and set a date. [don't settle for "maybe in the future, blah, blah, blah...."]

Just ask yourself if you are for RENT or are you FOR SALE? If you don't RAISE THE COST to live in your house, then he won't pay it. And if he won't pay it, why would you waste your time with him? If he doesn't want to get married, then you will know he is not serious and won't commit to you.

He may just be a renter or a freeloader, and if so, your house is not for RENT anymore.

p.s. my girlfriend, Verna, just dumped her BF of 6 years for this very reason. I asked her "IS YOU FOR RENT OR IS YOU FOR SALE???" She is 51 - OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER - and has decided she is not for rent and is not a FLOP HOUSE for the uncommitted.

She has decided to hold out for a BUYER.

I don't know if SB plans to come back to this thread and answer some of the questions, but I'd like to address a couple of her points:


Well, this comes down to the concept of "resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die". Your either/or scenario above is flawed, because you have other options, like deciding for yourself that if he is not ready to be married to you, that you will move on. What you have done, unfairly, is placed the responsibility on his shoulders, as if you have no say in the matter. You do.


Again, there is the third option - being alone. Whenever you cling to someone because it's "better than being alone", you have a red flag that needs to be dealt with.


It takes two to be in limbo. You can empower yourself and make your own decisions, instead of letting him set the course.

AGG

AGG

Are you sure you aren't a counselor in disguise?

wiftty

Well put, AGG.

Sometimes, we do surrender our power and that is a dangerous thing.