Introvert,

Has your wife done a NC letter?

Has your wife put together a list of "Extra-Ordinary Precautions" yet?

Yes...she wrote NC letter #2 (sent first one just to call OM up a couple days after mailing it), and as far as I can tell from her cell phone records and stuff, she has been in NC (unless she's calling him from pay phones or something).

She also has a list of EP's that she had written up after a session with Jennifer and reads every morning (the list is in her bathroom drawer). She actually did some revisions to it the other day, as some of her EP's have changed since she quit jobs and we relocated to another town.

I first interpreted this question with respect to recovery and just compensation of a WS to a BS in order to achieve it. After a couple of recent responses it's obvious this can apply to any one. I am a BS who's WstbxH left, moved in with OW and became such a monster I will never let him back. Yet I still feel he owes me compensation. Not just as EE described (which I agree with entirely), but more. He ripped me to the core and I am scarred for life as a result.

As far as I'm concerned, he owes me the 17 years we were together, plus the year and a half since (plus any time between now and when he pays up). And that's 17 years of youth - I don't want it back in my old age.

He owes me memories of my sons childhood - all of which he was a part of which I now can't bear to think about because it was all a lie and a hoax.

He owes me every penny he stole from the joint account to fund his affair. Also, everything he spent on any stupid electronic gizmo or gadget - especially that big screen tv in 2002 because I took a 3rd job so that I could buy something I really wanted and he tried to sneak that thing into the house. I gave up a lot and took a lot of crap from him anytime I bought anything, no matter how small or necessary. I also want all the time back I spent making lunches or taking alternative transit while he ate fast food every day and drove his gas guzzling truck.

I want to see him hurt like I did. Though that will never happen because in order to be heartbroken, one first has to have a heart and he doesn't qualify.

I want my dog back - that he insisted on having put down because she was becoming incontinent. Yes it was an inconvenience but he didn't have to put her down when I was away.

I could go on, but this is serving no purpose other than to relive the pain. I will never be compensated for my losses. I wish I was religious and believed he'd go to hell but I know from experience that hell is right here where I am.

Why am I writing all this????

Hugs, Tabby.

Thanks. I think I just needed to let off some steam. I'm going home to paint soon!

I see many suggestions that involve the WS doing things they should've been doing in the first place, but nothing that could actually be considered compensation.

"See, honey? I'm not banging OP now, so were even!"

Not even close. :RollieEyes:

I can never make it "EVEN", neither can my wife. It would be Krazy to think you can make anything "even". And, as I know, an RA or whatever you want to call them, doesn't make it even either.

IMVHO, The question becomes, what is the BEST I CAN offer toward compensating for what I have done. What is the BEST I CAN do to show my wife I am repentant.

Again, IMVHO, The answer always rests in the BS's hands as to what they will accept and if they want to move forward with recovery or divorce. Either way it will require painful work to get to the other side. But, to ask for anything less than Dr. H's recommendations for "Just Compensation" would be a mistake if you intend to stay married.

Whatever the acceptable compensation is for each individual, it should consist of something above and beyond what the BS does for the WS.

I'm not cheating, so my FWW not cheating now IS NOT compensation, etc.

So what, specifically, would be acceptable compensation from your wife?

So in summation there is no "Just Compensation" that can makeup for what a WS has done. That is why this is a BAD concept in the way you folks keep referring to it. "Just Compensation" smacks of retribution in the way most of you BS want to apply it. I guess you guys keep missing this part "But, unlike the repayment of $10,000, where payee suffers a $10,000 loss in order to provide compensation, in marriage, the compensation does not lead to a loss."

The good Dr. Harley really only outlines a few specific things. In the writings that MelodyLane keeps referring too.

1) NC
2) EP
3) Figuring out what made the WS vulnerable.
4) Meeting emotional needs

I assume you guys feel you know more then Dr. Harley? Or are there other writings on the subject that people have not seen.

HU,

You're wrong!

I said there is nothing one can do to make it "Even". What we are talking about Just Compensation, and there are many things a WS can do in this area beyond what you quoted.

1) Duh. Gee, thanks for not continuing to contact your affair partner. What a gift. However, I'm not contacting my affair partner, either. The fact that she doesn't exist is irrelevant.

It's a wash.

2) Not sure what EP is right now...I'm a little slow today.

3) It's always a lack of character, integrity, and maturity. Often, stupidity can also be included in that list. How is knowing that fact any sort of compensation?

4) Great...except that the BS is expected to meet the WS's emotional needs, too.

Once again, it's a wash.


com·pen·sa·tion

–noun 1. the act or state of compensating.
2. the state of being compensated.
3. something given or received as an equivalent for services, debt, loss, injury, suffering, lack, etc.;

How is maintaining NC, for instance, any more than a drop in the bucket compared to what was done to me?

Maybe the whole idea of "Just Compensation" is flawed...or maybe just poorly named.

Wrong? Really based on???

I am going by the quote that MelodyLane keeps posting and everyone references. No where in that quote, that everyone likes so much, does it say the BS gets to open end the "Just Compensation", to their hearts content.

Sorry but I see this quote used over and over on this site and it is used over and over to imply or justify retribution against the WS. I understand the pain you BS feel but that does not allow for miss use of a concept mentioned only a few times by Dr. Harley.

So I ask again are there anymore writings or speeches by Dr. Harley on the subject to give better guidance. I am sure someone has talked to him or his wife about this in a phone session.

EP - extraordinary precautions

You picked up on the one thing I am trying to point out "Just Compensation" as everyone refers to it is not what Dr. Harley states. What you guys want is something else, but its not the "Just Compensation" as stated in Dr. Harley's writings.

IMO,

"Just Compensation" is an act of repentence...

By and from the WS to the BS.

The BS doesn't solicit it...

It comes from the WS's heart as an outward symbol of their resubmission to God.

Remember...true repentence is a gift from God. If the WS is truly repentent...she/he will know what to do...based upon thoughtful prayer and submission to Him.

Mr. Wondering

hu7668, Dr Harley is just making suggestions, but he is not the FINAL ARBITER of what will satisfy the BS. Only the BS can determine that!

For example, if you were MY wayward H, I would make you JUSTLY COMPENSATE me by going shopping at the mall with me every week, go to chick movies, get pedicures with me, DO ALL THE LAUNDRY, wash and wax my car weekly, and kiss my [censored] for the rest of your life. oh, and NEVER COMPLAIN again when the UPS man delivers packages!

still thinking.......

great post, MrW!

Again where do you get this idea? Because those ideas stated in the quote you posted seem pretty specific and NO WHERE is there a statement that says here are some examples. Or a statement that says the BS defines what "Just Compensation" is or what is enough.

With your ideas we would get divorced, because you looking for punishment not just compensation.

Again the only person that has picked up on the point is Krazy71, you guys want something else then "Just Compensation" as presented by Dr. Harley.

Now this is really funny because you contradict yourself. MrW says that compensation comes from the WS to the BS. Where you just got done stating that the BS tells the WS what the compensation is. Yet you say that's a great post

Which do you believe in?

The WS freely gives the compensation or that the BS demands it?

HU, you get special conditions because you are SO SPECIAL!

I would like to also add that you do all the dishes and grocery shopping from now on.