Stats WW is in an ongoing A .Ben seperated for 1 month.We see each other about 3 x a week . We have sex about 2-3 times a week . Recently went to MC ,learned about communiction and have been getting along better than we have in a very long time. .Have had several very good days and some of the best talks we have had in years. We have been married 27 yrs. first time she has ever had an A. A has been ongoing for about 6-7 months . She is 44 her A partner is 30 and single . After a very good day today I recieved the following Email ... subject.. I love you .... Dearest Bob thank you so much for the time with me today.., I could not imagine how hard this situation is for you. It makes me cry when I think about it .. sometimes I think I would give anything for this not to have happend but then I think of all the things we have learned and I guess there is a plan (I dont know) I miss you so much and I love you so much... Im hurting most of the time which I am sure with you too.. I am sorry for all of the hurt that I have caused you .. I wish I could tell you the future and what will happen but I really dont know, however I do know that I will love and care about you forever Your love and best freind... I dont know what to make of this.. any former WW or vets let me know what you think.I just called her and asked if this was a good by letter she says know thats not what she meant. She said it was a love letter and she will try to reach a dision after she sees the MC in a week Thanks Bob

It sounds like you have been doing Plan A and have her thinking. I wouldn't put a lot of faith in a "decision" She'll probably bounce back and forth for awhile.

Read up on no contact and other steps if she really wants to patch it up with you and end her affair.

I think it means you have an awesome shot when you go to Plan B.

Damn straight.

Your W is cake eating. The odds of her giving up the OM on her own is slim. Have you exposed?

So I gather you're not opposed to sloppy seconds and STD's?

I suggest you wake the eff up and Plan B her!

Wow. That is remarkably cold and very un-MB, which calls in Plan A for meeting all the ENs a wayward spouse will let you.

Have you exposed the affair? Have the two of you worked on the No Contact letter?

It means your wife is having some guilt feelings but does not want to give up her adultery. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to have two men at her beck and call.

Cold? Maybe, but sometimes shock wakes people up.

Plan A does not call for you to tolerate your WS sleeping w/OPPOS.

Would you plan A if your wife were still effing OM?

"I love you honey, thanks for the sex. Now go to OM and give him his share".

Bullchit!!!!

Respectfully, maybe you need to go back to the end of the line and re-read Plan A...

From "What are Plan A and Plan B"

I'm too lazy to get the books out right now...

And the rest of what you failed to post........

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Surely, but where in any of Harley's writings does it say that one should not Plan A while the affair is active? - (as you so eloquently put it) "Would you plan A if your wife were still effing OM? Isn't the point of Plan A to try to "end the affair"?

The decision whether or not to have sex with an active wayward is very personal, and something each BS needs to choose for themselves.

IMO, the most responsible thing to do, rather than bash a BS who has chosen the sex route, is to make sure and let them know, IF you're going to have sex with an alien, protect yourself against STD's.

I went the sex route and don't regret it, many others agree and many disagree. Those who didn't have sex are not better, and those who did have sex are not pond slime. Each person has to do what works for them.

PROTECT YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE SEX!!!

That needs to be the message, not you are lower than dirt if you settle for sloppy seconds. That is quite a DJ.

While I in no way believe that you can be totally protected by any of todays products, I do endorse this.

I also went the 'sex route' and I also have zero regrets.
It was one of the very few EN's I could fill. It was something that kept my WH attracted and attached to me.
It was also a very effective EN for him to miss when I went to Plan B.

SF is the choice of the BS.

The BS must be aware of all the repercusions of activly becoming part of the triangle tho, ie. an informed choice.
STI testing is a must.

Lil

Wait a minute...

Im confused here.

Ah, youre wife is having an affair, no? If I understand an affair right, its where a married spouse REALLY finds someone who makes them whole, right? I mean, the person they MARRIED was a mistake, a misjudgement, an aberration, an error....and this OM or OW is, in their eyes and estimation, the REAL, GENUINE love of their life.....right? I mean, they are ripping another persons and maybe kids life apart at this time....no? I mean, why would they do that UNLESS this OM or OW is THE one. The one who lights up their lives, who makes them one, their soul mate....the ONE THEY WERE MEANT TO BE WITH......right?


Well, why would she be doing..................BOTH of you? I mean...BOTH? Does this OM KNOW he is being "cheated" on?

And "plan A" is OK with this? Can someone else see that the emporer isn't wearing any clothes here??


I have to go shower......

PS:That needs to be the message, not you are lower than dirt if you settle for sloppy seconds. That is quite a DJ.

But not all actions are MEANT to be respected, are they? I can HONESTLY say that if MY wife was getting it from OM and she still wanted to have sex with me........I have to admit, I love her so much, and would want to be with her SO MUCH, that I would be very, very tempted. I am NOT being holier than thou. But, AFTER it was over and I'm pulling my pants up.....I KNOW, K-N-O-W that what I had done was the epitome of NO SELF RESPECT. I would REEK of desperation. But, when you love someone, sometimes you do crazzzzzzzy things. What a horrible situation to be in. I really am sorry for your situation. This woman is USING your LOVE for her as something she can manipulate for her OWN happiness and selfishness. She is taking something beautiful and rare and making a mockery of it.

You can't escape all STD's with protection.

Someone who let's his wife sleep with OM then has sex with them is allowing their wife to cake eat, therefore Plan B is appropriate.

Plan A is not for everyone. Not everyone can let their spouse walk out the front door to have sex with OP then let them crawl back into bed at 3AM.

Once you done that for a while, move to plan b.

Bob,

The email means she loves you but she feels guilty because she can't not keep doing what she is doing. She desperately wants to maintain the status quo of having you as her complicit safety net while she continues exploring her relationship with OM.

Typically addict cake eating behavior which isn't likely to change until you change the dynamic.

Unfortunatly, Plan B is less effective than Plan A. Plan B is also not appropriate until you have completed Plan A.

So that begs some questions,

1. How long has this been going on?

2. What is your energy level to combat this (i.e.-is your love bank nearing empty to a point you wouldn't even want the marriage should she move back home and recommit)??

3. Have you exposed this affair???

4. Do you two have kids????


If you have not yet exposed, then it is likely part of the reason for her email to you is to manipulate you into keeping your mouth shut. She intends to give you crumbs of hope long enough so that when she does, say, divorce you she can claim her new relationship with OM started AFTER she moved out and the marriage was long over. In addition, the LAST thing an addict wants is for you to walk into her crack house and turn the light on. Keeping her secret and you complicit keeps the affair electrifying. Affairs thrive in secret.

Mr. Wondering

Bob, this is right on. As the victim of a former cake eater myself, I can attest that she is trying to keep you on a string. As Mr. W stated, nothing will change without intervention. This can go on for years if you let it.

If you want to fight for your marriage, your best weapon is exposure.

Gaba, everyone is different, and for you to insult a BS who has chosen a different option by "I need to go take a shower now" - even if it is an option you would not choose yourself - is very disrespectful.

I have no regrets about choosing sex. It was the only thing I got out of that time for me, and it was easier to keep on having sex during the difficult stage of recovery when we had already been very active.

Others have their own opinions, and that's fine. I don't feel any need to criticize them, or judge them. Why is it so hard for you to show respect for someone else's choice, even if it's one you don't feel you could make yourself?

Well, a couple of things here.

I guess I was "sharing" my W for a few months there without knowing it, but once I did and exposed and the physical affair broke off, EN was a must for me. I made her take an STD test and start MB counseling before she was back in my house and then my bed, but it was only about ten days.

If I KNEW they were still physical, it would be a different set of thought processes I'd have to go through. However, it should be said that Harley does recommend meeting her ENs as long as you can without LBing.

But I won't judge anyone. I've taken a lot more [censored] than I ever thought I could/would to save my family. So tolerance levels vary.

The comment I have for the original poster is two-fold. Did your wife always have such a sex drive? Could the 2-3 times a week be more to keep you complacent than for her needs?

Secondly, the point of Plan A is to get her to where she believes if she comes back to you, you will/can now meet her needs and make her happy.

I think that letter shows that you are at that point.

Since you aren't co-habitating, I think a Plan B is an easy and good idea now.

In fact, I'll wager it has almost immediate remarkable results. Make sure if she comes crying back you have your list of conditions and requirements as per NC, etc.