Um.
I suppose if you are willing to allow his consequences to affect you, all by yourself, that is your choice. But when you choose to stay in this situation, allowing your WH to do whatever he wants and spend what he wants, with whomever he wants, it seems like you have made a bad choice for your children. Your children do not need to suffer from his bad choices.

I am afraid I am not familiar wtih your situation - what sort of actions is your WH taking to fix your M?

LynnLee, it most certainly is not unfair of you to expect him to leave his job if it means the salvation of your marriage AND YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND HIS CHILDRENS FAMILY. What a ridiculous notion. The simple fact is this: YOUR MARRIAGE WILL NEVER RECOVER UNTIL ALL CONTACT ENDS.

Women have nervous breakdowns and years of post traumatic stress disorder from living this way.

If he will not leave his job then you will know this is hopeless and will end in divorce. And if you don't believe us, just stick around for a while. I have been here almost 8 years and know what you are facing. You are facing a death of a thousand cuts with a years long on-again, off-again affair.

Every day he leaves your house, you will wonder what he is doing at work. He is the "recovering" alcoholic who goes to the bar every day and has "business drinks." He never withdraws. Your H will live in a state of perpetual withdrawal. I just want to make sure you understand what you face.

p.s. if you choose to stay in such an abusive situation, you will be a VOLUNTEER, not a victim.

TTLG, I would rephrase the question thusly:

LynnLee, are you going to be able to accept that your marriage will never recover as long as your H works with the OW?

Even molestation victims can "accept" being molested every day; it doesn't mean its a viable alternative.

I like the idea of a time limit in this post. He is looking for a new job as am I looking for one for him via websites. He's just not looking hard enough. I told him I would agree to another 30 days but I can NO LONGER handle it. I'm going crazy. My kids deserve better. So, I'll keep you all posted. Thank you for the posts.

I am in a similar situation, so I empathize. My H cannot just up and leave his job, either. We would lose our homes, and in turn, ruin our credit. He has 9 more months at this school, then he is taking over a different high school. They dont just transfer you in the midst of a school year. It isnt that simple, and it sucks, but I am doing the best I can knowing he will see her once or twice a week (thankfully not alone).

Neither one of us want a divorce at all - we are very committed to making this work, so I am dealing the hand am given until things can realistically change.

Wow, someone who is in my situation currently. When I say, cannot quit right now...like you...I mean CANNOT QUIT RIGHT NOW. We would loose our home, also ruin our credit, ruin career..as news in his field spreads like wildfire when affairs occur. At my age, I don't want to have to start over again with retirement savings etc. Not that 40's is old by any means, but no I don't want to start over again financially and building credit.

I did tell him I would try to hang in 30 more days but it's getting harder everyday. Icannot committ longer than that for my own sanity.

It does just suck, but it's my life right now.

Lynnlee, I would handle no more than 3-4 weeks of continued affair with the OW and then go into Plan B. Anything longer than that is just a set up for DIVORCE, if you don't have a nervous breakdown first. When people say they don't want to end a job because they don't want to lose income, they fail to recognize the true nature of the affair, and the fact that they are more likely facing DIVORCE. Divorce does cause a loss of income.

I am shocked at these people putting money/careers before their marriages. What is it worth every time your husband gives it to her? To me, I would have given up my home in a second to stop that from happening even once.

So will they once the time comes. Only, will it will be too late?

MEDC is telling you, and I agree, how easy the little things are compared to what you feel are the difficult things.

Someday you will realize that your money,career,situation were meaningless. Until you are willig to make your marriage number 1, eveything else is pointless.

While I fully understand this, reality is not so cut and dry. Consider how the choices might play out:

(A) Attempt to recover with a WS. To do so means to give up your standard of living, lose most if not all of your material possetions - perhaps even drop to below poverty, putting your children through this - including possibly ripping them out of their schools away from their friends and/or subjecting them to a degree of shame when they have to start wearing clothes from goodwill and eat food donated to a foodbank - all in the hopes that your wayward sees the light of day AND the 2 of you survive the long recovery process.

vs.

(B) Guaranteed marital breakdown but financial stability for both the BS and the children.

And remember, the BS who is making choice A is doing so for a lying cheating wayward.

Yes it could work out but there are no guarantees.

For a faithful spouse, no sacrifice seems too high. Of course that marriage deserves the highest priority available. But once one spouse has proven they are willing and able to unilaterally break their vows without a thought or care to the rest of the family, this becomes far more difficult decision and one that cannot be made lightly.

Try this... for a faithful spouse no sacrifice seems is too high.

I agree that it's iffy making a huge decision about leaving a job of security, but in my lifetime, I've seen stable turn to iffy overnight. In fact, a recent example is AIG.

Money comes and goes. Careers come and go. There are no guarantees. The difference is that in a marriage there is a lifetime commitment. One seldom makes a lifetime commitment to a job (except maybe Supreme Court justices, lol). No one lays on their deathbed and thinks about how they honored their job.

It's important that a marriage remains strong so that when the money or the careers come and go, the marriage remains intact. A marriage cannot remain strong (or recover) as long as there is contact with the poison (aka the OP).

IMHO, no job, no amount of money, no position, is worth my marriage.

As for the repercussions of losing $$ and "stability" because of an affair... yep it happens. But as my mom is famous for saying, "Things always have a way of working out if you do the right thing."

Totally agree, I would not have tried to R my M if my either my FWH or his FOW would not have left their job. I could not live my life worrying every day (not IF it would happen again but WHEN it would happen again).

I don't disagree with anything you said. But it isn't necessarily *just* stability and a bit of money that is lost when a WS gives up a job. It could actually threaten your very survival, depending on the particular circumstances. In fact quitting the job could mean losing the roof over your head and putting your children out on the streets. I realize this is an extreme circumstance, but it's not impossible and I'm certain it has happened before. There have been times during my married life when we would have been homeless if either one of us had quit our job. Most people have gone through tough financial times at one point or another. If it were one of those times when the WS decided to have his/her A, it may be even more harmful to the family to leave his/her job for the sake of NC.

Again, it goes back to the choice the BS has to make - and that is yet another injustice of adultery that the grave responsibility of deciding if your children are better off homeless or living in a broken home is dumped on the BS as a result of the WS's selfishness.

Adultery is so unbelievably selfish.

For me i could not have lived with my FWH working with his FOW and i would have taken myself and my kids elsewhere if one of them had not left, even if it meant removing them from their current school or whatever. I simply COULD NOT AND WOULD NOT live my life that way, i would rather be divorced.

If the BS goes to plan D, isn't there a risk of homeless anyways in your example? Maintaining two seperate households is more costly than one. Other expenses such as medical/dental insurance will also go up now that there won't be "family" coverage. Transporting children back and forth between parents is another. If the BS doesn't have a job now, they will have to get one and that leads to childcare costs, more gas consumption, etc. The emotional and mental cost to the children and BS are then added into the mix with either option. If a BS stays in the M knowing OW is a few doors away and the WS doesn't care, I'd almost say that the BS just needs to chalk up the marriage as one of convience and live with it. Don't complain to the WS anymore because he has already shown he doesn't care...AGAIN.

Yeah, it also means giving up his "fix" and a possible reignition of the affair.


No way. There are way too many places to turn to for help. Sorry, but losing the roof over your head is the least of your worries if your WS refuses to quit a job that places them in contact with OP.

I guess I'm cut from a different cloth because NOTHING, I mean NOTHING, would stop me from doing what it took to save my marriage. I'm not afraid. I did lose my home, my job, my car and my dignity when my DH left. Guess what? We survived, even with a teenage daughter who got pregnant in the midst of it all and had a special needs child.

Once again PM has hit it right on the money. The WS can biotch and moan all they want. It is either your M or your job when it comes to an A.

I LOVED this....because it's a "lightbulb" moment for me. YES, it's convience, you are RIGHT, and I shouldn't complain anymore to him. Perhaps I should just "play the game" as he did with me for 13 months straight? And YES he WANTS TO GET TO KEEP HIS JOB AND HIS M.

And yes, A's are terribly selfish but a mother has to do what she has to do to protect her children and that's what I am doing. If it were not for my kids....he would not still be living in THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!