OK, NEW QUESTION: For the FWS who are NOT Serial Offenders in A's. The ones - that we know of - who have strayed only once, a long term affair, at least a year or more. The man who we would say is generally a good man, but insecure and loved the attention. Say married at least 5 years or more. (This is not my case exactly but would like to get some opinions)

Would you say that he had unresolved childhood issues with insecurities that he carried over into his marriage and they got worse over time? and he strayed? And/Or the insecruities were caused by the wife and he allowed it because of maybe other unresolved childhood issues, he didn't stand up and strayed because he wasn't afraid to be himself with the OW due to the fact that it's fantasy not real life.

Just trying to look a littler deeper at A's and what issues from childhood contribute, because there is a self-esteem issue coming from somewhere and I find it hard to believe that a wife OR husband can make it so bad that any spouse would have an A. I'd LOVE and appreciate to hear from a WS on this issue too.

Lynn:

Your H could have had the worlds worst childhood.

He could have cowered under the bed for years.

He could have been picked last to play baseball ALL THE TIME.

So What.

Doesn't excuse an affair. Thats a CHOICE made 30 years later.

Our childhoods create an environment that we COME FROM. We decide what type of life we WANT.

We can be "ner-do-wells" because our family was. Or we can decide to try to do better than that.

To use the excuse of insecurities in our youth is a cop-out and deflecting blame from choices that we are MAKING NOW.

And removes responsibility from ourselves. Drop the flag on that. "NO, your childhood DOES NOT control WHAT you do NOW."

LG

Lynn, don't waste your time examining his childhood, it will get you nowhere. What matters are PRESENT behaviors. What matters are the PRESENT conditions that brought him to this place.

Dr. Harley:
from: Requirements for Recovery

LynLee,

People can certainly have unresolved childhood issues that can result in insecurities, self-esteem issues or other weaknesses/vulnerabilities that are carried over into a marriage. All people have weaknesses and vulnerabilities and some people’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities are caused by unresolved childhood issues/trauma. Some people have permanent physiological/mental damage because of that trauma. Other people have certain vulnerabilities because of the lack of the spouse to fulfill some EN’s. However, A’s happen because people fail to protect their weaknesses and vulnerabilities…they put themselves into situations that make them vulnerable and can lead to an A. A’s can be prevented by protecting oneself from those weaknesses/vulnerabilities. Therefore, unresolved issues (whether it’s weaknesses/vulnerabilities/physiological injuries/damage caused by childhood abuse in various forms) can never be used as an excuse/justification for the choice of having an A. Yes, an unloving and/or abusive spouse can definitely contribute to feelings of insecurity and worthlessness (and even physiological problems/injuries too), but in the same way, those issues can never be used as an excuse/justification for the choice of having an A either…just as unfulfilled EN’s can’t be used as excuse/justification for an A.

There are many BS’s out there who had unresolved childhood issues/trauma and/or BS’s who had been abused by their spouses or treated very poorly in their marriages or whose EN’s were not fulfilled, but who had never and will never make the choice to have an A…people who will never put themselves in situations that can lead to an A in the first place.

LynLee, it’s good to explore the cause of your H’s feelings of insecurity etc. It can help you to have some understanding for his specific issues/problems, but please don’t use those issues to try and explain his infidelity. The A was 100% his choice and you must keep him 100% responsible and accountable for it (don’t blame yourself or his childhood for any of it). Remember, his A did not happen because of any issues outside his control (like his feelings of insecurity or mistakes on your part). He could have chosen to be in control by protecting himself from those weaknesses/vulnerabilities and not put himself in a situation where he would be vulnerable and stray.

Not a chance.

Lynn

My FWH had a very rough childhood, but he will be the first to say that it has nothing to do with his choice to have an A. That would be a cop out. He made a conscience decision to have an affair. If anything my H hates himself for risking his own children's childhood by destroying our family with his behavior.

My H and I explored a bit of our childhood issues that affected us as adults in MC after the A. I found it interesting to explore and I feel like it has given my H and I both a better understanding of why we do certain behaviors. I realized that a lot of what I do as a wife has been adversely affected by what I saw my mom do while growing up.

One of the little things that has been helpful to me and my H has to do with body language. When I am feeling hurt I tend to withdraw and sit on my hands and the message this sent to my H was to leave me alone, but what I really need when I do that is for him to hug me and help me feel secure. My H learned to leave people alone when the withdraw and do not have welcoming body language because his H hit him growing up.

I'm rambling on, but I hope you get my point. While childhood issues can be interesting and helpful to understand they are not an explaination for an A.

I know you are trying hard to stop blaming yourself and it would be nice for you to be able to blame your H's childhood but really the only place the blame should go for an A is on the person who had the A. It is NOT your fault LynnLee!

TTL, this is the kind of stuff that EFFECTIVE counseling will encourage, ie: changing CURRENT BEHAVIOR based on PRESENT conditions.

Listen, I went to counseling for years and paid someone to listen to my long winded bloviating about my poor lot in my life. It never helped me, but rather kept me angry and bitter and DIVERTED from changing my current behavior. It kept me enmeshed in a VICTIM mentality and taught me to lower the bar to justify bad behavior, rather than improve my behavior to meet the standard. The only one who benefited was the C, who collected the money.

The most successful programs are the ones that focus on correct CURRENT behavior based on present conditions, IMO.

I agree with BOTH, I have read in new book "WHY MEAN CHEAT" that you have to LOOK BACK in order to LOOK FORWARD. Both me and my H have childhood that reflect certain dysfunctional behavior. That's NOT to say it's and excuse for either of us and I know that. But it was helpful to hear WHY he thinks certain ways about certain things because it was taught to him all his life before we met. Same with me, my mother and my grandmother.
We copy behavior, from what we see.

I had to change my thinking process about so many things in life - not just my M but about my life in general, the way I mother my kids, the kind of daughter I am, the kind of wife I am, friend etc.

Somedays I am strong and somedays I am weak concerning the A. I know the A is not my fault, still sometimes I say "well only if I had done this or that different" but it is the past and I cannot change it.