I have a good friend that is a lawyer and would be able to get the text message records for me of when my WH was having a 3-month EA/PA.

I emailed my friend to ask about this this was his response:
Yeah … I can probably get that info … but do you really want to do that?!?! I know that you think it sounds good idea… but having done this kind of thing a 1000+ times … I can tell you that nothing good will come from this … but if you are sure that you want to do it, then I will help you … but as both a friend, and more importantly, as a lawyer, I advise you not to …

I am 1-month past DDay and I still have so many unanswered questions. I wonder if he said bad things about me to her, if he really wants to be in this marriage for love or just obligation. I feel like I deserve to know the truth but will this prevent me from wanting to move forward?

What should I do?

I wonder if he said bad things about me to her
Yes, he did

if he really wants to be in this marriage for love or just obligation
The text messages sent during the affair won't give you an accurate picture of his motivation today.

I feel like I deserve to know the truth
You do, but the truth about his feelings and motivations are not in those text messages. The only truth that is in the messages is where they met, how many times, how long, etc.

One month past D-Day is not very long at all.

Has a NC letter been sent?
Is your H being open and transparent?
Does he answer your questions willingly and honestly?
What does he say his motivation is for being in the M?
What is he doing to restore your trust?

First of all, I agree with your attorney... for now. You are very early into this. I think your money would be better spent finding out the identity of this OW and finding out if she is married or has a SO so you can expose to them.

I read your other posts and your husband does not sound at all remorseful or repentent. You discovered his affair and had to practically drag it out of him.

Keep snooping and gathering data. DON'T reveal your sources to your husband. I suspect that there is still contact, although it may be hidden contact now that you told him what you know.

Have you exposed his affair to everyone?

Have you read the articles on this website?

It is highly recommended that you get the book "Surviving an Affair" and begin to follow the plans there.

So sorry you are having to deal with all of this. It's heart-wrenching for sure.

Generally messages are not recoverable 48 hours after they are delivered (Verizon). I know that if they are Verizon messages, you can get the time/date/destination of the text message on the online bill. You cannot get content.

Text Messages do not show on the printed bill, only online. If you do not have Verizon but the OP does, maybe thier BS would be willing to look at their bill.

I read your other posts too - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=153030&Number=2129514#Post2129514 for anyone else, to save them time looking it up themselves.

I agree you should expose, to your parents, his parents, OW's husband if there is one. It's not a vengeance thing, and it's not to make him look bad. All you have to say is "We've been having some problems, and I'm tired of living a charade. H had an affair with OW and we are trying to pick up the pieces and put our M together. I'd think it can be stronger and better than it was before, and I'd appreciate your support of H and while we work through this."

It's true you can't control who your husband's friends are. You have to decide how important it is to you if he continues those friendships. You have every right to say "One of the conditions of my continuing in this M is that you no longer associate with X, Y, and Z." If you say that, though, you MUST be prepared to back it up by asking him to move out, or you and the kids move out, or you file for separation if he crosses the boundary. You have to pick your battles very carefully.

Personally, I'd work on other things and as he comes around and learns to protect the marriage I think he'll lose those friends on his own.

Will he work through the book "Surviving an Affair" with you? That, or a counseling session with one of the Harleys, would be a wise investment of your time.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to get the info in the event it might be needed in court in the future. IMO. Just don't read it, or not a lot of it, anyway. Unless you have a strong stomach.

Charlotte

Thanks everyone for all the replies.

Has a NC letter been sent?

We did not send a NC letter. I only have an email address and phone number for the OW. After I confronted WH, he said he sent her a text to say I found out and it was over but he never came out and said there will be no further contact. I really didn't want to send one at this point and reiniatite contact between the two of them. I did learn from the recordings that he has not spoken to her since that day.

Is your H being open and transparent?
He knows that I check his phone and email accounts online and I check his phone. He doesn't know about the voice recorder or the keylogger.

Does he answer your questions willingly and honestly?
Only if I ask. He does not offer up any additional info. I know the has not given me all the details of what went on. That is why I thought the text messages may help me get a better understanding.

Dear BHCE: Very sorry to hear your story. It's a really wrenching thing to be in your place, and I feel for you. I imagine you're an emotional mess right now....

I agree with your other posters - IMHO they are completely on-target.

To me it sounds like you need to get aggressive in discovering all you can about OW. I hope you don't mind if I share my own experience. It's relevant to your situation.

My WW's A also started at a convention which was out of state; it continued for a few weeks before I found out. After I found out, my WW admitted it, but refused to say who the OM was. I was in shock and also FAR TOO NAIVE at that time, so I didn't aggressively pursue. I was pretty sure she would stop. Boy oh boy how naive was I... Now I understand how WS behave.

I'm saying this to you for a reason. My own WW's A continued, and got worse and worse, until I discovered OM's identity and met with his spouse. (Thank you to Melody Lane and other posters here for insisting I do that.) That meeting ended the A immediately. She's since gone astray again, but that's another story.

Armed with email address and phone number you may be able to find out OWs identity. Go online, try reverse phone directory, or just google the email address or phone number. There are other ways too....

Again, I think you really need to know her identity and how to get to those close to her. The A may very well continue until you can effectively expose. Based on my own experience I'd say there is a good chance it is continuing right now.

Have you read the extremely useful material on this site or picked up the books? Please please do that. MarriageBuilders is a Godsend. The authors and posters here know what they're doing and will do all they can to help you. All out of the goodness of their hearts and a genuine desire to help a stranger in need. Beautiful people here, really.

Good luck and God Bless.

-WNH

If you're looking for answers, the text messages may just lead to more questions. Texts are short, and short-hand. I doubt you'll get much information execpt whether he signed of with ILY, and maybe some dates.

Also, once you actively bring in lawyers, the law and the court system, the relationship becomes adversarial. It is nigh impossible to have a decent relationship while this is going on. Probably why people can recover from "I'll see you in h*ll first" better than from "I'll see you in court."

If you want answers, you may get more if you hire a private investigator.

I'm really sorry about your situation. FWIW, I find it atrocious that your H won't tell you the name of the person. He is not repentant if he won't give you that info.

I have some info on the OW. I know her name, email address, phone number, state of residence and I also have a link to her myspace page but its private. She is only 24 and is not married, she works as a bartender and she lives with her mom (real winner!)

She lives out of state and the A was long distance and they only saw each other on two weekends over the 3-month A. They often communicated by telephone and text (530 texts between 7/1 & 8/5) so I thought they may reveal quite a bit. Now I'm having second thoughts about pursuing the text messages.

I'm not sure what I would do with the info I found. Would it make me less willing to rebuild? Would it make me feel better? I'm not sure why I want to know, so I may hold off.

You want to know what reading their text messages would do to you. It will most likely make you completely sick. It is all fantasy and will probably read like a trashy novel. I simply read the last text exchange between my H and OW and it made me sick. I did not even read it until months after there had been NC. It was on an old phone and I came across it when looking for something in our home office. All it was about was OW missing him and his response being he felt lonely (he was staying a hotel at that point by himself). Before I read the texts I already knew OW had tried to contact him during that time and that OW was having a hard time accepting that we were reconciling. It just makes it so much more painful to read their actual words than to hear it told to me by my H.