H just came home from work extremely angry. He tells me that OW texted him today and asked if he wanted to come over and see the baby after work.

He said "something is going on that is bad" I think she is going to serve me with some kind of legal papers"

I told him that if that was the case, then he would be served by a process server from the courts at home or at work.

Is it possible that she would have been able to have gotten this all together in a day and a half?

I said that maybe she felt bad about sending you those mean text messages. He claims that she told him she wished he was dead. He says he knows her and that she wouldn't feel bad about it and text him something nice.

He said "see, I'm telling you what's going on like I promised last night at MC"

I told him to go over there then, if you're so worried.

Why live in fear? If it's something bad wouldn't it be best to find out now than be nervous every minute. I told him to take our son (he has already seen the baby) that way, nothing could get out of hand.

He says that this is ALL MY FAULT! He had everything worked out with her before I called her. Yeah, everything worked out behind my back.

I said MY Fault???? You're the one who Fuc*ed her and got her pregnant.

He then said "F" You and gave me the finger! He then comes back in as says don't you dare call her, she told me if you call her again she's getting a restraining order against ME!

I have never even seen this woman. And I did not harass her with my call. I was very calm and collected.

So I am sitting here crying. and the phone rings. It's H. He wants to know what time our son is going to an Amusement Park with his friend tomorrow. I asked why? He said because we have been invited to go on a wine tasting trip and then a cookout at his friend's house.

I said "who's we?" He says me and you........I thought you wanted to meet my friends. I think he's gone crazy! I don't even know what to do with myself right now.

I honestly don't know what to think. If he ignores OW, she may become mad enough to start a court case. Does she feel bad about telling him he couldn't see the baby? and that's why she texted him today? I have no idea what her motivation is. I am scared because H can be so volitale.

Leaving my house this weekend is not an option.

Ok hon, calm down and breathe. First, NO she could not get paperwork together that fast. Second, I do not think you should expose your son to the adulterous OW. But what is done is done. Don't put him in the middle again.

Now, him going back and forth like a lunatic? Yep, he will. My H went up and down like a roller coaster all by himself when he was scared of losing me but wanting to placate the OW.

I wish we could tell your H what will happen, because we already know. You cannot negotiate with the women. You cannot do this outside of court without screwing your family over. I remember we had a WH with an OC on here. He went behind his BW's back and negotiated with the OW. A year later (after he could see clearer without fog) he told us how screwed he was. The OW do not negotiate fair. It is not their goal (I don't mean OW like marysway) to do what is best for OC. It is all about T H E M.

Go and enjoy your day with your WH. As long as you know you are not getting 100 percent of the truth from him, a little plan A time does not hurt you.

I never put my son in the middle to begin with. H did that. Since my son has already seen the baby twice, I know that he would not be scared or uncomfortable around her. As far as I know, she has been nice to my kids.

H had the kids seeing the baby before I even knew about her!
And his A-hole parents!

I had NO IDEA he did that! I no longer speak to my IL's. They had the interloper and her child to their home and around my innocent niece and nephews while the affair was still going on! Too bad they lost two great kids in exchange for one!

I don't care if she is nice to your kids, they should not be around her at all. How old is this son? Is this the 9 year old? So your H asked him to keep secrets from you? grrrrrrrrrr....

I am curious, how did your H explain who the baby is to your children? BTW, don't think I am judging you. I am just pointing out your children don't need to be around the interloper. You certainly do not want them to get the idea that this is "normal" and ok.

Yes, it is my 9 year old. And I agree that they should not be around her. He simply told them that they now have a little sister. I don't think he cared at the moment whether I found out or not. He used bribes, I'm guessing...........Don't tell Mommy and I'll buy you this or that.

My 16 year old daughter can't stand H. When he is home, she always leaves the house. She didn't tell me because 1. She didn't want to hurt me, and 2. Stress like this almost always causes a Lupus flare-up, and I become very sick and am in a great deal of pain. She wanted to avoid me getting sick.

Her heart was in the right place. but I wish she would have told me. I could have made a plan on my own without H knowing that I knew about the OC.

ANd I did have a huge flare-up when I found out, I could barely move for 3 days, add that to the emotional stress and it's one big ugly picture!

ETA-H did come home and apoligize, he has not answered OW text and does not plan to even if he gets more. And YES, my daughter knows that it is wrong and she is disgusted by it. H also tries to buy her off too, buy buying expensive gifts for her. $1000.00 coach purses, Clothes from BeBe, $2500.00 laptop, money to have her nails done, the list goes on. SHe accepts them because she is only 16, and what teenager wouldn't want those things?

Hurt
I think the MAIN problem here is NOT the OW. The first problem that has to be addressed is your husbands ATTITUDE. For a marriage to heal, the cheating spouse has to be 1,000,000% sorry for what they did, NOT, yeah, I know I did wrong, BUT.... Being 90% sorry is NOT gonna cut it.

The OW is gonna do WHAT she has to do. She is ONLY concerned for herself and her baby. If she wants to make you husband provide CS, well, she will. There is NOTHING you or him can do about it. I think he should stay as FAR away as possible from her. If she wants to keep him in her life, let her to it through the legal system.

Now, I just reread your post. When he got ticked at you and said "See, I had everything worked out UNTIL you had to call her" I think he was just using that as an excuse to go see her. This way, he can say to you, "its NOT that I WANT to go there, I have to go BECAUSE of something YOU did.." See, its YOUR fault he has to be with her. He's only there to protect YOU.

Man, I'm sorry for your troubles. It really is more than any spouse should have to go through. Good luck.

for your children, especially your DD who tried to protect her mommy. If your H truly, truly shows repentence and remorse and does what is necessary to heal your M then your DD will eventually be ok around him again. My DD was devastated when she found out about the A and OC. She still does not trust my H and honestly, she shouldn't. It will take a lot of work on his part to EARN that trust.

gabagool,

That was a very good and thoughtful post.

Thank you FF. I appreciate it. Sometimes I worry that I don't say the right things.

I've NEVER felt the pain that I feel in my troubled marriage. When I read about others with even MORE troubles than I, I can feel a portion of their pain. Marriage is SUPPOSED to be something wonderful, too often its the most painful aspect of ones life.

You were on the right track of thinking, and reading my post I see how you would think that. But, he didn't go there. He came home 1/2 hour later. He had taken our son to McDonald's.

I believe him when he says he will not answer her texts or any calls. A week ago, I wouldn't have believed a word he said. But now, I can tell by his demeanor that he really is quite angry with OW. He has now seen a side to her that he hasn't seen before. And I know it is not to his likeing.

I told him to go there today if he was so skeptical about her motive and worried. But he didn't go, even with my permission.

I would say that that's one small (very small) victory for me.

Please, don't get me wrong..........I am in no way letting him off the hook, and I am still very far from forgiving him.

I still do not trust him, who would? But at least he did the right thing today. That's today, who knows what he will be like tomorrow. I can't be mad all the time, I have 4 kids in the house that don't need their world to be turned upside down.

He is right now taking the kids for ice cream, except my 16 vyear old daughter. He invited me, but I really wanted to have an hour to myself! We are actually going to be gone the whole day tomorrow, and I will be right by his side if any calls or texts come in. I HOPE she calls.............let her get a taste of what it's like to be on the other side.

First of all, it is not your fault. Any of it. Continue to say that in your head, over and over. Your H created this mess and he is PO'd that he has to deal with it and deal with your feelings. It sounds like he is used to doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants and getting his own way (my H, too). Now, he can't have it his way. There are at least 3 major players in this crisis, H, OW, and You. Not even counting the kids.

He is angry that he can't just control the whole situation and do what he wants. Too bad. He did what he wanted and look what happened. Big trouble. He will have to grow up and deal with it.

But YOU have done nothing wrong. Your call to the OW was nothing. OW will do what she wants and your call had nothing to do with what she is doing with OC. She is yanking your H's chain and she will continue to do it as long as she can.


Have no doubts about that! She will use the OC as a pawn to get your H to do what she wants. So far, it seems to be working. His mood seems to depend on OW more than anything. OW doesn't feel bad about telling him he couldn't see the baby. It's manipulation and planned, too. No doubt about it.

There will be a court case for CS. He is not going to get out of paying that, and he shouldn't (I hate paying that too, but that's the deal). She is hanging the "no CS" thing over his head in an effort to get him involved with OC. It has worked on numerous men and it is a common OW practice.

But there will be a case, sooner or later. There always is. Instead of waiting for it, I would have your H file it himself. Take control of the situation and out of the hands of OW.

I couldn't stand waiting for the other shoe to drop and the case for CS to be served. My H filed it first and it sent OW into a tailspin! She hadn't gotten herself together yet and she wanted to file in our state (CA) where the CS is super liberal. She lives in TX and there is a cap on how much you pay. Since she lives in TX, my H filed it there. Totally legitimate since OC lives there too.

Anyway, don't take any blame for "his" plan not working out. His plan was a loser from the start. The only plan that will work is the legal one. He can reserve his rights for visitation, even if he is not exercising them at this time. CS will be set and OW cannot withhold OC at any time.

Don't worry about any stupid restraining order. There is no cause of action for that. She is blowing smoke.

You H is full of baloney right now and not remorseful at all. He wants to blame you for his mistakes and not own it himself. It took my H a long time to get to the remorse part. He was sorry for the hurt he caused, but even 6 months into "recovery" he couldn't say that was he did was a mistake. I wanted him to tell me that this affair was the biggest mistake he had even made and he said he couldn't say that......at 6 months!

It wasn't until he stopped talking to OW completely (everything through attorneys) that we started a real recovery and he began to feel ashamed and remorseful. But he couldn't say that to me until nearly 10 months after d-day. That was hard for me. But he was working on it and his own withdrawal and the guilt he had, so I could wait. I could wait because of my children (who don't know about OC and only the oldest about A), to see if it could work.

The blame thing makes me very angry, but it is soooo common.

You are early in the process and the emotional rollercoaster ride goes on for a long time. It will happen whether you stay or go.

If you think you might not stay in the marriage, don't encourage H to file CS case until after you do. It could make a difference on the amounts of CS you get (more).

I am so sorry it has been so rough today, especially after a good MC session. I can feel your pain and it stirs up mine, as well.

Take care and be indignant about the blaming stuff. It is not your fault!

Thanks so much LBelle for all your kind words and wisdom. You made me feel a lot better. This has been one hell of a week.

I am so exhausted, I can't believe I'm even functioning.

I'm off to bed, It's after 10PM where I am. At least I will fall asleep with your kind words on my mind.

Thanks you everyone for all your support.

Goodnight and God Bless!

Plan B.

Hurtmom are you seeing these texts? Why would this woman care if you were still in the picture or not if she is gay?

I agree that your husband should not wait for her to file. I don't know what her $ Stitch is but how do you really know he is not already giving her $? He's signed the birth cirt right?

He can't get out of paying cs and he should not. He needs to suck it up and accept that. If he files then there are no surprises and you know it is all done legal and through the courts. EVEN if they come up with an aggrement between the two and then have the courts sign it and order it.

I do agree with most of what lebelle said and FF. Your husband should not be putting your children in the position he has put them. How dare he (that Piss*s) me off that he would take your kids to meet oc and bribe them to keep quiet and your inlaws as well. I'm sorry but that is just WRONG.

I don't agree that you can establish a custody in the orders before you know because if you choose to have and don't exercise it then if you decide to later on it could not be that good.....i've seen it to many times in divorces let alone these. And vise versa if you say you don't want contact but then choose to but already have it written up as not having it then she holds control again. I'd just play that one by ear. Like everyone has said it's so fresh for you guys right now and it pretty much looks your husband is going to do what he wants. SO really Ithink you need to decide what you can do when your ready.

I am just really confussed (and trust me I live in a city where just about everything happens) on this whole attitude of hers when she is gay and in a relationship. Something is just not adding up. She was too upset when you told her you and husband where still together and all. I need to think on this one.

Have a great day though tomorrow and I hope your weekend is much better than the week ending. Give your oldest daughter the space she needs with her dad. I can only imagine how she feels. Hang in there Hurt.

I thought the same thing. Why would she care if she's a lesbian?

I'm not even going to bother to ask. She could be just very mad that she just realized that sh'e been being lied to for 2 years also. I really don't know if it has anything to do with her feelings for him, and to be honest, I really don't care.

If she does still have feelings for him. she is probably angry he is ignoring her. In her eyes, I'm the OW now.........how crazy is that???!!!!

It's pretty crazy. You are his wife. To bad for her if you guys do decide to have contact she will have no choice and although it looks bad to you and us that he had done this the way he has at least in the courts eyes he has already established a reltionship with the child and so has your children in a sense. kwim? She can fight that and say whatever she wants but it's not her choice.

I hope you guys have peace soon and it quiets down for you. Please remember to take care of yourself and keep your eyes open. Take care of your teenager too. Hey how was that outing on Sat? Hope you had a great time!

Marysway, what is kwim? PM me if you need to.

Our outing on Saturday was a great time! I was drunk the whole day.........we went to 7 different wineries. We bought a bunch of wine, there were 8 of us. So we continued to drink when we got back to H's friends house.

As far as I can tell, Ow didn't call or text. But he wasn't in my sight the whole time, so who knows? and the way I feel right now, who cares? I've just about had it. We are going away this weekend and won't be back until Tuesday afternoon.

I hope we can get through the trip without fighting. Everything is always just fine as long as I keep my mouth shut :RollieEyes:

KWIM?

{do you}
know
what
I
mean?

Thanks Pep! I know most of the acronyms from posting on a miscarriage support board. Never saw KWIM. LOVE your new signature!

You're a pro, go check out "want to stay's" thread and tell me what you think. Do you think she's for real? We all make sacrifices to save/better our marriages, and do look the other way sometimes. But who would put up with that????

Hurt