Ok, I've posted many times on the emotional needs board as my husband neglected our marriage for a time. He's a workaholic. We had a good summer and I was feeling optimistic and we are in recovery. Today I was looking for some tax information and stumbled on some serious bad stuff in the file cabinets. There was a picture of a girl's vagina (not mine, although she did have a wedding ring on), sex toys and a large bag of condoms. Yeah...it's pretty incriminating. So, it seems like some pretty solid evidence. I feel blindsided. I'm not sure if I should react immediatly. Back in February when it seemed like he would never participate in our marriage again, I checked email accounts and such but never had any hard evidence. Should I question him or keep digging?

Also, I feel like I'm going to throw up and every cell in my body is shaking right now. Any advice would be great.

Thanks,
Luna

Oh my Luna,

I'm so sorry for your discovery... I know what your body is going through. Mine is going through the same. I can tell you this is the right place to be..

As horrible as it is, you seem to find similar people in similar situations and answers to questions that you have..

No, you're not going crazy..

And yes, keep looking. Unfortunately, you've uncovered just the beginning..

I'm still digging, and I'm not giving up until I have every rock unturned!

Luna-
I'm sorry for you to find that stuff..I wouldn't try to "label" what was going on yet. (Does this make sense, you know now, there has been likely cheating, but you don't know if it's an affair or something else.)

Can you hire a PI? I'd think that would be the quickest/easiest way of getting to the truth (and it would be the real truth).

So, I would do my homework, and then confront when I know what's exactly going on.

why bother to keep looking or using a PI? You have evidnce enough to compel him to submit to a polygraph exam. I would insist that he do so immediately so that you get ALL of your questions answered in a few hours and KNOW that you have the facts.

I hired a PI this morning. Thanks so much for the advice.

I did confront my husband last night also. I wasn't planning on it but when he came home from work I looked at him and cried. Do you know what I did after I found all the stuff last night? I took a long walk then I came back home and cooked him dinner. Even with the stuff I found I needed to have something "normal" and cooked him dinner.

When he came in, I just cried - I couldn't help it. I sobbed. I told him something was wrong. I told him I was looking for tax documents and stumbled on his stuff. He wasn't upset with me as I thought he'd be and he kept telling me that he bought that stuff for me. See, we were trying for a baby for a year and then he got cold feet so he wanted to use condoms. Problem is, he distanced himself from me so we didn't do anything for months! Then I asked him about the picture and he said that it was a joke from somebody at work. He wasn't defensive, he was sad because I was sad and said that he'd prove it by letting me look on his computer. I looked on his computer and checked his email and found nothing. He took out his work computer and let me check it. Then he called the guy that put the picture on his desk. He gave the phone to me before his friend answered and his friend apologized for making me upset. I felt that he was telling me the truth because his story did not seem "forced" or "made up." He also told me he kept all this stuff together to keep it out of view for when family comes to visit. He took care of me all night and kept saying that I should have called him right away instead of making myself upset for 2 hours.

I hired a PI anyway. I need to be sure. I love him dearly and I'm glad we are in recovery. Could he be telling the truth?

-Luna

Any thoughts?

-Luna

No...he isn't telling the truth.

Good job in hiring the PI, if you feel you need one. I, for one am convinced that he is cheating on you and wouldn't have bothered with the PI, because I'd already know he's a cheater from the evidence...but that's just me.

Don't be blinded by the bullsh!t he's giving you...he's cheating.

I'm sorry.

If he's cheating, it'll give you the evidence you need to confront him. If he's not, it'll give you peace of mind. Either way I think it's money well-spent.

Good luck.

Did he offer any information as to what sort of joke involved a close up picture of another woman's vagina? Did he then explain why he kept the picture or why he decided to store it with other sex items?

His story sounds unbelievable. Maybe the PI will find something. Otherwise, he is probably going to take this further underground, now that he knows you are suspicious.

We actually had some very good conversation last night after I talked to him. About 2.5 years ago, we started trying for a baby then we had infertility issues. Well...that put a large strain on our M and after a while, he just pulled away and sunk into work. Recovery started in June and he was honest about sinking into work.

I had him followed several times in Feb/Mar as I couldn't explain his strange behavior. It turned out that he was bowling with his male friends (no females were spotted with him before). So, there is some hope that his story will check out....

At the same time, I do agree with everyone that the PI is a must. He gave me lots of reasons to not trust him when he pulled away from our M and acted very selfishly for a long time. So, I need to know for sure. The PI I hired came recommended as he busted a husband of a good friend of mine. Anyway, I'm remaining calm until I have a reason not to be calm - I don't think being upset right now will do me any good. At the same time, I have to be realistic and the best way to get through this is to find the truth...whatever that may be.

-L

Medc, we're doing a polygraph Friday morning. I just emailed him and asked him if that would be ok and he said he'd be fine with that.

Also, the picture is a strange thing but in the past, he's show me pictures like that as a joke...haha...look at the picture of Britney I found on the internet...hahaha. His friend said that he found the picture gross (which it was...she was nasty) so he thought it would be hilarious to leave on my H's computer since when he came over to rebuild the harddrive in May. That checks out because I remember him being there. I asked my H why he didn't show me the picture just after his friend left it there and he said he didn't think I would find that one funny, just nasty. That was true, I did find it nasty. Something else that I left out, when I talked to his friend last night, he told me where I could find that picture on a website so I went and there it was. All of this was told to me without my husband talking to his friend first. Anyway, the story seems a little far-fetched but I know my husband and his friends have done that to each other before. I don't know. I guess I'm still confused. So, I have the polygraph coming Friday and I'll post when I hear from PI.

Am I crazy for thinking it was a logical explanation? I still feel rather calm for some reason.

-L

Also, he doesn't know about the PI. I figured if he is doing something wrong it would be easier to catch him if he doesn't know there's somebody tailing him.

-L

I used to be the only female working in a building full of males, some married, some single. I can tell you unequivocably that grown men do indeed keep stuff like that around. They also talk about it, make jokes about it, and 'one up' each other.

Not all men, of course, I know many who would be appalled, but I also know quite a few to whom that's just 'guy stuff' and they look at it, laugh, and put it away and never think about it again. And it has nothing to do with their moral character day-in/day-out.

not a snowball's chance in hades

Lot's of "grown women" too.

Update:

Last night before H got home from work I looked at the "evidence" again. I read the order form and it was only for condoms and the toys were "free with purchase." They were still in the plastic packaging sealed so they couldn't have been used. Anyway, the order was for a bag of 60 condoms and all 60 were there. I counted them 4 times.

My husband wanted to take the polygraph this morning so I called and changed the appointment to today. I've never seen him like this. He keeps telling me that he needs me to understand why he didn't tell me about the condoms. He thought I'd be upset because we were "trying" when he ordered them and that he knew how badly I wanted a baby so he thought that would upset me. (As for the baby issue, we spent the entire summer working on that issue and we're both in a good place right now). Anyway, he didn't lie at all according to the polygraph. So, either he's a pathalogical liar or he's telling the truth. After the polygraph he said he's guilty of being a "bad husband" for 6 months but even when he was at his worst and being the most selfish he wouldn't have cheated on me. For him, it was about admiration at work and admiration from his friends. These two things became more important that our marriage and part of that was him running from us trying to have a family. He's right, he was a bad husband for a while but part of that was me enabling him.

The PI called and left a message this morning - he's found nothing so far but he's going to continue to dig. I really do think he may be telling the truth at this point. However, if I find out he's lying I don't think it will ever be possible to trust him again.

-Luna