OK everyone.....I've got an internal struggle right now, that I'm losing sleep over it.

My wife of 13 years filed for divorce in March, and we have our final court date next month to wrap things up. Well about 4 months ago, I started dating a friend of mine, who has since filed for divorce because she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I too feel the same way about her. She has basically divorced her husband of 15 years and sold her house to be with me. So things were going great for the both of us until last week, when my soon to be ex decided that she's made a mistake, and now wants me back. No one knows that I'm dating my friend. I'm really struggling with the fact that my wife wants me back, but my friend has sacrificed her entire life just to be with me. She loves and treats me like I've never been treated before.

My struggle with this is that all along my soon-to-be-ex wanted this, once I finally accepted it and began moving on, she now wants me back. She's truly realizing all the things that she did that caused us to be in the situation that we are in, and she wants to fix everything.

I feel that if I go back to my wife, then it will destroy my friend's life, and I feel that if I don't go back to my wife, then I'm the one that's destroying our family (we have 2 kids)

Any advice on what I should do ?

Oh good lord, you went right out and had an affair with a married woman?

Well, you need to tell your soon to be ex-wife the truth.

My advice would be to stay away from married women unless they are married to you.

I agree with Pariah, you need to tell your STBXW what's going on.

Esprit and Pariah,
I'm confused as to what good would come of that. I think it would add gasoline to already burning fire.

I'm really struggling with this. I had finally convinced myself that I didn't love my STBXW, but now she's crawling back to me, which is something I never expected. She was a real b-tch to me over the past year. Plus we've agreed on everything for the divorce. Her main reason for wanting me back is because she misses me, and she's very lonely in her new home without me there.

ASk your soon to be EX if she would mind if you had TWO WIFES, you know, PLURAL MARRIAGE. Ask the married lover you have also, clear it with the two of them and have them meet.

If she won't go for that, have a large blow up doll of yourself made and send it to her in the new home so she can "have you with her" so she wont be getting lonely.

I think you just do not want to tell them the truth because you want to pick and choose one of them. Before they realize what kind of person you are.....and BOTH RUN!!!!

I meant to be slam fisted and smashmouthed, sorry for the slip up.

Are you freaking bragging that you have DESTROYED some man's family?

Is that what you are saying?

And you want to run off with some floozie that just dumped her husband for you, and you don't think she will run off on you either?

You'll be back here in a few months boohooing about your "soul mate" betrayed you and you should have just went back to your wife, to which I'll reply.....

*giggles*

Ain't love grand.

I wouldn't go back just because she's lonely. Bad reason.

Bad idea to get involved before divorced.

What would I do? Be honest. Tell your wife that you've met someone else and want the divorce to continue.

I'd tell the other woman that your wife contacted you and wants to reconcile.

I'd tell them both that you needed to take time to get yourself right, which means no dating, etc of EITHER of them for some set period of time.

Then watch what THEY do in addition to getting healthy yourself.

Maybe the OW will get impatient and run off.

Maybe this will be too much for your wife and she'll withdraw her offer.

Or maybe your wife will work on her stuff while you are working on yours and the two of you can try again.

I'd avoid the OW, simply because anyone willing to leave for you will someday be willing to leave you.

It's a fine mess you find yourself in.

I'd be honest to both and date neither (or any others) for 6 months to a year to get comfortable with being in own skin and with yourself and your kids.

Pariah,

I'm not bragging about anything. My friend was thinking about getting divorced before we started dating, but she was just going through the motions for the benefit of her kids too.

We started talking about each others struggles in our respective marriages, and hit it off with each other.

I'm confused by the "slam fisted and smashmouthed" comments.

Enlightened,
I did tell the OW about what's going on, she sensed that there was something wrong. Once I told her she pretty much became an emotional wreck and was terrified that I was going to go back.

Hindsight being 20/20 here, I should have waited, but as adamant as my STBXW was about the divorce, I NEVER in a million years expected her to ask me to come back.

As a result of all this, the OW has become EXTREMELY needy with me, she's scared that I'm going to go back.

The OW is bad news. She left someone to be with you. Not a good character trait. I'd drop her like a bad habit.

Not that you were much better, so don't think I'm giving you a free pass.

If she'll leave him to be with you, why would you expect her not to leave you to be with her next favorite flavor?

Deal with that first, drop the OW, yesterday. Not because of your wife, but because of how she treated her husband.

I'll be back... I'll have more later.

Believe me, I feel terrible with myself for getting into this situation, so I don't deserve a free pass by any means.

Apparently, she's had a thing for me since we met about 3 years ago, and I had a thing for her too. But since we were both married we were just friends.

She's told me countless times that she loves me like she's never loved another person.

I thought my love for my STBXW was gone, but after hearing her crying on the phone to me and saying that she realizes that marriage is the most important thing in life, I'm really torn here.

The other issue is that my parents and friends are so irritated with her for all the stuff that she's put me through, I don't think they will ever accept her.

buckeye

You have been here on MB since 08/24/06.

You mean to say that you never read that one should not date until the divorce is final because of all the potential problems there are?

Why did your wife want a D?

Was there an affair?

"I feel that if I go back to my wife, then it will destroy my friend's life"

Well I hate to point out the obvious but you blew her marriage apart. Made her husband a BH. And if there were kids. You blew apart their family and home life.

You also made yourself a OM to your GF's H and a WH to your wife.

"and I feel that if I don't go back to my wife, then I'm the one that's destroying our family (we have 2 kids)"

Exactly you only thought about yourself. You appear to of not thought. Not thought about your own children to fight and delay the divorce. Especially when many a time a divorce is put off at the last moment to recover the marriage. As a parent you should be willing to try everything you can do to keep your family together.

Did you? I do not think so. How could you of been when you were out there banging a married woman?

Not to think about that if you went to recover that by you having and affair how it will create problems for your wife to recover with you.

Not to think about or care about the BH and his children.

You only thought with your little head, not your big head.

Something doesn`t add up. In the past 4 months, your wife filed for divorce, your OW friend divorced her husband and moved to be with you.

Is she divorced, or like you, in the middle of a divorce?

For the past two years, folks have been asking if your wife was having an affair.

Turns out, you had one on her.

She may still have had one. Or as the other threads got into, she may have been severely depressed.

What's the FULL story on the OW. Be candid and be detailed.

Something doesn't add up to me here.

Also how did you expect to OW to be able to repair her marriage when you made yourself the third wheel?

A marriage is for two. You should of kept your nose out of their marriage Mr Budinski.

There is know way that you can justify you having an affair with a married woman.

The OW is in the middle of her divorce. She and her STBXH are living in two different houses. She has 3 kids with him.

I could never prove that my STBXW had an affair, as it turns out she had her priorites messed up by hanging around a bad crowd of people.

We sold our house (where the bad crowd was), she got another house, and I live in an apartment. Now she's realizing all the things that she did and all the mistakes that she's made, and simply how much I meant to her, which she failed to realize for the last 3 years.

Councilling didn't help, in fact she gave up and refused to go.

I admit I've really FUBARed this whole thing, and I think the Lord is punishing me.

She's in an affair with you, which means she's a liar AND cheat.

I'm sure you spun your wife in a bad light to her too, you know both of y'all against thte world.



Shal I vomit now, or after I'm done with htis?


I am not a very nice person when it comes to some person "hitting it off" with another man's wife.

My own wife told OM "she was pretty much done with our marriage" too.

You know, FOG babble.

You got it BAD and I ain't gonna give you a single inch over this, cause what you are doing is WRONG.

You need to visit a neurologist not a marriage forum. Your synapses are misfiring or something. Get yourself a good MRI and make sure there is not an underlying organic problem causing your stupidity.

If the tests rule out a treatable condition then I would highly recommend that you hold off and not date either of these women for at least one year. In fact it would be in your best interest to not date anyone at all. I’d stick to same-sex friends.

This should be a time to invest in your future. Time to learn about yourself and what you can do on your own. You can use the time to figure out how you got yourself into this situation to begin with. And when the year is up, you'll have your confidence and your equilibrium back, and you can be your best self....”

Do you think your wife would do this? Not date for one year and wait for you to heal? If not she is certainly does not really love you. As for the other woman---get over yourself…she didn’t leave her husband for you. You are not that special. You were just the excuse she needed—She used you to pry herself out emotionally from a long-term commitment that wasn’t working for her. She wasn’t woman enough to do it without proving to herself that someone else could love her.

Did you and your wife ever get any kind of counseling?

Man to man here. Are you so stupid that you don't think that OW would not do to you what she's doing to her ex-husband? And don't give me that cr@p about how her husband treated her poorly etc. It doesn't fly here.

I think OW saw that you were vulnerable and made a play for you, and you were ripe for the picking.

I stand by my original advice, dump the OW, yesterday. She's an adult, she chose to hitch her emotional wagon to a married man, so if it's painful, to bad for her.

Like wise for you. It's going to be painful to dump her, but perhaps you are man enough to do the right thing.

So what's it' going to be boy? (in my best Meatloaf voice)

I was focused more on the irony of everyone asking if she was having an affair and apparently you had one, if you were not well on the path to that during the 25 months you've been here.

When it started doesn't matter, so let's not pick nits. It's ironic to me, that's all.

Fine, if she will still have you after this, then you can watch to see how she's going to address those mistakes.

However, that option may not be on the table when you are open about the affair.

But show her that you learned something. Dump the OW first, don't USE her as a safety net in case your wife is no longer willing to consider reconciliation.

In fact, when you speak with your wife, I'd tell her that you recommend keeping the divorce action alive, even if she is willing to forgive you right there. She may change her mind later, you may fail at establishing NC with the OW, she may fail at addressing her needs.

Like I said, it's best that the two of you work on your stuff and get healthy before making a commitment one way or another. So if she wants to put the divorce on hold, while each of you take 6 months to work on your stuff, I think that would be a great idea.

If it turns out that one or both of you are more in love with the idea of being married than to actually being married to one another, then the divorce can continue.

I would NOT advise her to withdraw the divorce. Nor would I advise her to let the divorce continue. If there is a way to put the matter on hold, that is what I would advise her to do at this time. Same for you.

Each of you has stuff you need to work on before you can have a healthy marriage.

But the OW is a bad idea regardless which way you go. Even if you end up divorced from your wife, the OW is not a catch.
Which is why I'm not advising you to return to your wife either. Wait and see. It may be moot when you tell her what you've been doing the past four months, but even so, wait and see.

Perhaps, you would have to ask Him. I don't write for him, so I wouldn't know.

thank you!

This is what I'm saying. Buckeye,you are in no condition, emotionally to date anyone right now, and probably for 6 months to a year from now.

I doubt your wife is in that place either, and certainly OW isn't healthy.

So pull your head out of anal-cranium loopback and get healthy man.