I've been hanging out on here about 2 weeks, right after I found out about things. After I picked up the pieces of my life and made it back to work (after 2 days of sick leave), I began searching for answers. This seemed to be the place that had the most answers, and most seemed to fit. Problem is every situation is different. After feeling like the world was coming to an end, I read some of the other posts and realized I am very lucky. Let me explain.

My situation started as an emotional affair when a male friend wanted to sell his dog. My gut instantly told me something was wrong (though nothing was yet). 2000 text messages and 3 weeks later on a Thursday, WW goes out for a couple of drinks with her sister (girls night for sister's birthday). Story I got was that there was another girl with them that they were trying to hook up with the guy. Other girl left and guy left with wife and sister to go back to sister's place for some more drinks (we all can see where this is going). Guy was following while sister drove wife back to her place. Sister calls me to tell her my wife is too drunk to drive home. I ask to talk to wife and sister tells me she is passed out in the back (a lie). Sister proceeds to drive wife home with guy following. When they got there, wife went in and sister left. Guy followed wife in. Use your imagination.

Now fast forward one week. We have a parents weekend with 2 other couples. First night no big deal. Second night, one of the other couples with us has a major blow up. Holes punched in the wall. Name Calling like F**ing wh*re. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I could not see he was dealing with the same thing I was soon to be facing. However, it did open my eyes that I should be treating my wife better.

For the next 2 weeks, I treated my wife like a queen (though we were not having big problems at the time). 2 weeks later she springs the fact that she had a ONS. After falling apart and asking how she could do this to me and our 2 sons, I started needing answers. She told me she would never talk to him again (NC). She said she told me because she loved me and wanted to make it right.

Now I have been sucking up information like a sponge and am trying to figure out what to do. I love her and believe she loves me. I am committed to our marriage and our boys. However, I feel like I can never forgive her sister for the role she played. Do the thoughts of what happened ever subside? I know we will see the person again, and will it always cause huge fights. Right now it seems like everything in the world reminds me of the situation and I feel like I am being punished. Now I know there was an EA that led to a PA. I feel like all of my questions are being answered honestly. I am trying to do all the things on the EN list. How do I keep from going off the deep end and LBing? Seems like for me to get over something I have to LB and hurt her. If not it builds and I blow up. Any advice or insight that I may be missing?

Welcome to MB. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. If you have not already, get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. Print out the emotional needs surveys for both your and your wife to fill out. Get familiar with Dr. Harley's concepts. You don't need to do all the things on the EN list. I would focus on what your W says are her top 5.

BTW, her sister is no friend of your marriage. I would tell your W her sister is not welcome in your home.

Why will you have to see him again?

Amen!

We will see him again b/c he and I have mutual friends. Is it stupid for me to refuse to give up good friendships when I feel I did nothing wrong? I have already seen him once and was able to avoid/supress the feeling as to cause no trouble. I think it will get better with time, but if I ditch my friend I feel like I lost the battle.

I have told my W that her sister is not welcome around me nor are the kids welcome to stay with her alone (if i can't trust her with my wife how can i trust her with my children?). The only place her sister can see the children are at My W and sister's Mom and Dads. Thing that worries me is family functions since our families are very close. At this point I know I cannot look her in the face without blowing up, and that may never change.

I think maybe her sister is one of those "misery loves company" type of people. She went thru a divorce and seems jealous of what me and my W (younger sister) have.

I should have made it more clear. I have printed off a lot from this website including EN and LB lists and Recreational Activities list. We are reading monogomay myth, 5 love languages, and his needs, her needs. have not got my hands on surviving an affair yet but looking and planning on reading it.

This plan will make your recovery most difficult if not ultimately impossible. No Contact for life is one of the cornerstone beliefs at MB for marriages to recover from adultery. The OM must be out of both of your lives for good for your best chance to recover.

Exactly right.

Do your "mutual friends" know what happened? If so, perhaps they will join with you to exclude OM from your lives going forward.

I disagree with this COMPLETELY. IMHO, you simply tell your friend what has happened and that you will no longer be around when OM is or your friend will be breaking up a VERY UGLY situation. That way your friend will have all of the info about OM and can make up his own mind if OM is worth his friendship. If your friend chooses to keep his friendship with OM after what OM did to you, then you have a pretty good indication about the real quality of your friend.

A's have a LOT of collateral damage. In our case, my FWW had to establish NC with a very good friend, who turned out to NOT be a friend of our M, much like you will have to do with your SIL. Another friend just kind of "drifted away" and is no longer a part of our life.

I also have developed a MUCH stronger friendship with one of my friends in particular who really STOOD UP when I NEEDED him the most, so this works in positive ways too.

A real crisis will usually let you know who your true friends are, along with those who are not.

You must decide between your friends and your marriage.

And what if one day you don't surpress the urge? Are you prepared to take a ride with Barney Fife to a lockup? It's happened here before.


I am nearing 2-years and nothing has changed for me regarding my desire to stuff OM into a woodchipper feet first. It would be a bad idea for my OM and I to have contact. Oh, and he was a friend once too.

Talk to your other friends. The best of them will show OM the door. The others, you don't need.

My understanding was that the WW was to have NC with the OM. I was just hoping that someone here had been able to forgive OM (or just not want to hurt them badly) after a period of time.

MyRev said it perfectly:
IMHO, you simply tell your friend what has happened and that you will no longer be around when OM is or your friend will be breaking up a VERY UGLY situation. That way your friend will have all of the info about OM and can make up his own mind if OM is worth his friendship. If your friend chooses to keep his friendship with OM after what OM did to you, then you have a pretty good indication about the real quality of your friend.

Some info on NC:
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

Source: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

You may or may not forgive OM. You may or may not cease wanting to break his legs. That has nothing to do with NC.

Are you honestly thinking you will go to events and functions and tell your wife "Sorry, honey, you can't go - OM will be there."?

WHY???

I can't even understand the basis for wanting to forgive OM. Why would you even WANT to?

I am a firm believer in the old adage ... "Friends may come and go, but ENEMIES accumulate".

I may get to the point where I don't think about OM every day, but REST ASSURED ... his actions and words will NEVER be FORGIVEN OR FORGOTTEN.

Let me clarify the situation a little. First, my W and I will NOT be in contact with the OM, but the OM is friends with about 10 other couples that we are friends with. If we were to run into him (we already have once and W and I just kept our distance) we just avoid contact with him or leave. I guess I could talk to OM and tell him to find new friends since he put me in this situation!??? I feel like if I forgive my wife I should forgive OM, but I WILL NEVER FORGET. W/O forgiving both parties, can you really put it past you?

Isn't there a saying to keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer?

H&S,

It's obvious that you and I are two completely different people. You appear to be one of those BH's who just want to "sweep it all under the rug" and forget about it. Where I would be "blowing up the OM's world" by exposing to ALL of our mutual friends and letting the chips (or friends) fall where they may.

IMO, my approach helps to restore some measure of self-respect, while yours looses it in the eyes of your friends, while leaving you VERY open to experiencing this level of pain AGAIN.

It's your life ... YOU make the call!!!

MyRevelation,
I appreciate your insight, but I am not one of those people who sweep it under the rug. I just feel like it is between God, me, my W, and OM. I understand the part of blowing up the OMs world but I fear it may backfire on me. People make mistakes and it is not up to me to judge them. I am sure I will never be friends with the OM again, probably never speak to him again (unless it is regarding his side of the story or to tell him what a piece of $h*t he is).

I am glad you shared you opinion on being VERY open to experiencing this again b/c I am obviously too trusting, too naieve.

I think you should expose OM to your mutual friends and see where the chips lay. You need friends that are supportive of your M, and as far as the sister goes, I'd cut her out for a good long time, I think she earned the right to not be with your W. After all, what kind of sister is she to foster this out of her own jealousy and problems!

first let me say i'm sorry you are here, i know the pain you are in and it's suffocating.

secondly, the advice here is true. you have to expose OM, i know you are saying it's between you, your wife and God, however your mutual friends need to know the truth of what happened. It may embarrass your wife, but she needs a little embarrassment, and you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, you cannot control other people's choices, period. If your friends are unaware of what has happened, you are putting them in the position for them to continue on as normal, and it's not fair to them. I found out that three of our best male friends knew about my H's affair, and not one of them told anything to their wives because "it wasn't their place to say anything"...i call [censored] on that just as i call [censored] on you not saying anything to your mutual friends. it's their decision, not yours, if they want to continue being friends with him. and at least if they know the truth, they can make their own decisions about inviting him to future "mutual" events... JMHO...

I think the only way I forget about OM is divorcing/falling out of love w/ my fWW.(in process) I don't see how I would ever forgive him, nor want to. I fear the day I were to run into him as he is much older and I would knock the sh&ta$$ out regardless of age. My hope is that by going to plan D even though fWW wanted plan A, that I start over with another woman and put this as much in the past as possible. Of course, I'm only mid 30's and a lot of folks on here are late 40s+ when it happens. That might have made my decision different. You seem young enough as well to start over. You have young children though, but I do as well. You have to look at it from all angles. I never thought about getting out of the M til the A was discovered. I then thought through all aspects of it and plan D made the most sense for me. I did attempt plan A first though, and I recommend you do as well. My grandmother knows me better than anyone and she said I'd NEVER get passed it if I stayed w/ her. That sealed the deal for me.

d