Two months ago, my husband came to me saying that he thought we needed to get divorced. It was sudden and out of nowhere really. I knew we didn't always get along so great, and bickered quite a bit, but was suprised when he approached the topic. We talked about it and decided that we would attend marriage counseling. He made the call and set up an appt.

The next week he went to the first session alone, telling me that the marriage therapist had asked that he do so. I found out later that was his request, I think he wanted a chance to tell his side of things before i stepped in. A week later he stays up all night drinking and tells me he needs to talk to me (7 in the morning). he again states that he thinks we need a divorce, and i'm not understanding because he hasn't even given the marriage counseling a shot. Eventually he tells me that he's been talking to his ex over the phone while at work a few times a week. I was angry about it, but honestly, my anger would've been gone that same day if i didn't start wondering about things.

i thought, they must be communicating over his cell phone, so i went out to his car (where he'd been keeping his cell phone instead of bringing it in the house) i saw that in the past 24 hours there were at least 10 calls made each way between him and her. i then went into his text messages and found a message from her which read... "just a little love note for the sweetest, sexiest, smartest man i have ever known. i am truly blessed to finally be able to say you are mine again!"

fuses blew... i attacked, screaming, throwing cell phones... i couldn't control myself. while i was yelling at him i texted her, but i was shaking and couldn't get out the whole "911" text, so just sent the number 9. as soon as she was out of work she called 3 times and left 2 messages. 1, very playful, talking about how much she absolutely adored him and couldn't wait to see him. the next talked about all the things she wanted to do to my husband's body. nice. his response to all of this was that she was making [censored] up, she's crazy and wants to be with him, so she's over-exaggerating everything.

eventually i called her and left a message that he said she was a crazy [censored]. she called back and told me, "i'm sorry, he told me he was getting a divorce." no matter what i asked her that was her response.

i have felt so emotionally torn apart through this whole thing, but we've started marriage counseling, which has helped a lot. i found this site 2 days ago and have read everything it has to offer on infidelity and rebuilding your relationship. it has been helping sooo much, we actually had a great night last night and moved ahead leaps and bounds.

this morning i went out to my mailbox, to find that my husbands military id had arrived. (he had left it in her car at the bmv, so that she could get his car plates, she works there.) i sent her a message a few days ago demanding that she get off her butt and send it, or i would come and get it myself. well, the id was there, accompanied by a love letter that he had written her. it talked about how he had spent the last 8 years wandering in the desert trying to find his way. i have been 7 of those 8 years. he also called her the very essence of woman. there was a quick note at the bottom. "here's my id, got to run, i love you baby!" signed love always.

this is not the first thing i've found that he has not willingly brought to me. i saw the poetic part before, because it was also written in his journal, and i went and found it after everything hit the fan. the thing is, my husband and therapist really had me thinking maybe this was being exaggerated by her, and things aren't what they seem. that was how i was getting through it. now i feel i was so so close to being happy again, and now i'm right back at the beginning. i don't know what to do, other than ask my doctor to prescribe me something so i can be numb. i don't care if i can't feel anything, i just don't want to be torn into a million little pieces again.

just wanted to add, i am 24 and he is 27. we now have a 1 1/2 year old boy. we've been together for 7 year, since i was 17 years old. married when i was 20, 1 month before he left for a 14 month tour of duty in Iraq.

i feel as if i have been through hell and back with this man, and even he told me today his favorite thing about me has always been that i would do anything to please him, because that made me happy too. i don't understand how he could say something like that yet wrote poetically for his girlfriend before, and also for this girl who tore him apart in high school cheating on him time and time again, but never once wrote a single thing for me in the 7 years we've been together.

this is the same man whom i spend months before holidays trying to find ways express how much he means to me. he has reciprocated every one of our christmas's, or birthday's together by going out the day before or day of to walgreens, the dollar store, or even the liquor store to find a present for me.

i have loved him so much and i just can't wrap my brain around why he hasn't cared to show me that he loves me the same way. or what i could have possibly done to bring this upon myself. i think when my son was born i started to turn my affections away from my husband and to my son, because i was just so tired of everything else in the world being more important than taking the time to show me that he loved me.

It's always a shock to know that your husband doesn't share the love and passion that you do.

I can't offer any support as a MB expert, but I am going through a hard time myself and I definately understand your pain.

Breathe, relax if you can, cuddle your son and know that whatever happens, you will have each other and he needs you so much and loves you unconditionally.

My kids are 3 and 1 and my husband turned away from all three of us. Just take it a minute at a time, then an hour at a time, a day at a time, and before you know it, a week will have gone past and you will realise that you can do this.

Take care, ok?

thank you for the kind words. my husband actually isn't leaving, which makes the situation a little bit better... i just wish this was easier. i just have so much anger right now. i've tried posting blogs about her on myspace page (which i'm sure she checks occasionally) my husband is not supportive of this. he says it's juvenile, but it makes me feel better and i wonder if his reason for not liking it is because he doesn't want her to be hurt.

i guess i just feel like i've been the one betrayed, and even though he's staying, i don't feel like i have anyone on my side, or coming to my defense. my husband has always protected me, but he's not now.

Deeply,

You might break up your paragraphs a little more for easier reading.

I have a question. How long after your husband was divorced from his first wife did you meet him and marry?

i'm sorry, i should've specified. she was his girlfriend for aprox 2 1/2 years in high school. she cheated on him repeatedly, then left him for a woman when he was in basic training. that relationship was over when he was 18, and he went onto another relationship over a year later. that was shortlived, and after being friends for over 5 months we started dating when he was 20.

a six year drug binge and multiple relationships later she now has a 2 year old daughter and no contact with the father. she's been through 2 more relationships since her daughters birth and they have failed as well. my husband told me she wants to be a SAHM and not work, so it seems to me she was trying to get my husband to provide that.

it started out with him talking about how things hadn't been going well between us, she was there to listen. things progressed.

edited for paragraphing. i hope that helps, i still feel like all of these thoughts are jumbled and very random with no real sort of order.

Ok, thanks for the clarification.

I'm sorry you are in pain. I truly know how hard and how deep this pain runs.

Let me reread and see if there is anything I can offer. I am really no expert, just have been around for awhile and have had the awesome vets helping me with my sitch.

no problem. thank you.

Deeply:

Sorry that you find yourself here as part of the club that no one wants to be a member of. I think you need to hit PLAN A and EXPOSURE hard! There are plenty of threads and articles here explaining both. If you are like I was, you are probably spending your time reading just about every page on the site.

One bit of advice I have is do not waste time. Start PLAN A now! Expose now! Do not try to explain anything to him. It will not matter. Logical thinking does not apply. I wasted weeks trying to convince my WW why we needed to work it out, all the positives and so on. I was spinning my wheels in the mud. Don't bother. PLAN A and EXPOSE.

exposure? is this explained in the literature of this site? i've told 2 of his brothers, my mom, and multiple friends about what has happened. they all are backing me, but it's not really discussed anymore.

plan a i believe is already in action. he called and left a voicemail (which i listened in on) telling her he was working things out with me and wanted no further contact from her. since then we have come very far, but she had his military id, and i threatened her until she sent it. she also sent the love letter, i fully believe her intention was for me to see it, and cause another rift between my husband and i.

If you "blew a fuse" and went off on him, you are NOT in PLAN A.

This is the PLAN A/PLAN B explaination:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

PLAN A is being the awesome wife, meeting his emotional needs and no love busting (blowing fuses). You need to SHOW him what he would be losing if he does not stop his A. PLAN A is hard! I did it. It is unfair and one sided. You give 100% and he'll give 0%. But it can work. After a set time, if the A continues, you go to PLAN B; totally shut down all contact with him. You need to have a successful PLAN A so he first sees you can be that perfect wife and then, with PLAN B, he'll see what life is like without that perfect wife and the OW is left to try to meet his needs. Read the above link as it will explain it better than I can but I'll tell you it did work for me. (PLAN A)

Exposure is exposing the affair to anyone your WH may look to for support. Friends, family, etc. Make it uncomfortable for BOTH of them to carry it on. If she is married, find her husband and tell him.

One thing that popped into my head when I read your story was the text message you found. Do you send him things like that? Please don't think I mean that can justify an A. It does not. My WW would always write little notes on my napkin when she made my lunch and things like that. It made me feel good. She always told me how hard I worked and how smart I was. I didn't know it at the time but that was one of my EN's. You need to learn what his emotional needs are and meet them as part of PLAN A. I was missing my WW's emotional needs and she got them met elsewhere. Your WH is probably doing the same.

thanks for you advice. i did blow fuses at the beginning. the first few days after i found out were quite volatile. (1 1/2 months ago)i think i realized pretty quickly that i needed to show him that i loved him if i was going to get anywhere with him. i do have a couple of episodes... once or twice a week where i break down about it. i'm sure it's not very appealing behavior, but at the same time i think it helps him to understand just how hurt i am. besides, sometimes i really just have no control over it.

i've read through everything here on infidelity, and we just filled out and discussed EN's today. We have the LB questionaries, but haven't discussed them yet. (later today) the en forms helped a lot! i think we were both suprised with some of our answers... and not suprised by some.

i'm feeling better today, like maybe yesterday was a slight relapse and overeaction. the OW sent that letter to get under my skin and cause a fight, and she almost got the better of me, despite the fact that her efforts were so transparent. i'm feeling like a loving wife today, and my husband is being a loving spouse.