I wish I could say things have improved, but they have not.

We have gone to counseling and he picked a psychologist to counsel us, someone who didn't know either of us and who wasn't biased. (I see my own counselor and have seen her for years, but I didn't feel counseling with her would be a good choice).

Our joint sessions are quite validating for me, sometimes I feel as though he gets bashed for an hour. There are times he wants to walk out of counseling he gets so mad. The counselor is turning out to be quite healing for me.

But anyways, she has told him point blank that he is selfish, he is limited by his own selfish acts, that he needs to be more considerate and tells him why this will work in the longrun.

But yet, 5 mos later, he is still distant, still selfish, and is doing NOTHING to make things better. He is not trying one bit. I have tried to show him what a great spouse I can be, he is not doing a thing.

He still goes to the bar frequently, yet will still crab that we have no time together. She told me to give up on that (I complained that he could do much more positive things in life than sitting around with a bunch of drunk people) and she said that me complaining about what he does is mother like and not productive. So I don't complain anymore.

She also said that for someone who wants things to work, his outward actions make her believe he is seeing someone else. She was adamant she wasn't accusing him of it, just stating that his actions are awfully similar to someone who is still in an affair. My husband had a ONS. I know he has no more contact with her.

So, tonight he is at a party for the guitarist in his band. I said I would stop after work. I had to lean over another woman (Her back was to me) to kiss him after I walked in the door.

I wasn't comfortable there, people were already drunk and I was walking into the middle of it. I went to the bathroom and almost cried.

I came out and could find him no where to be found. Went to the basement and he is jamming on the drums with the band. I did not come out to the party to sit and watch him play. Once again, I am on the back burner.

To not insult my friend, whos party it was, I stated I was leaving, I was sick to my stomach and walked out. H did follow me and stated he wanted a kiss and would be home shortly. This was at 1030 pm. It is now 227 am. He did not ask if we could talk, what was wrong, anything, just " HEY, see ya later....!"
Apparently, he had a blast, drank too much and although he had the smarts to not drive home, he didn't call me to tell me he cannot drive home, I had to find out where he was. I don't buy his load of crap anymore that he is so lonely and hates my schedule so much as he sees other couples having fun and doing stuff together and we can't because he sure doesn't make an effort to be with me AT ALL.

I do not have anything left to give. I need to finish my RN school so that I can move foward, but that is a year away right now. With the housing market the way it is, we cannot afford to sell and take a loss.

My counselor told me, perhaps we could separate at least under the same roof until the market improves and my schooling is done. Our house is big enough for that to work. My children are not with me full time, so that is not a problem either. She said at least then, I will know exactly where I stand and do not have to invest emotionally anymore.

Is that possible? Has anyone else done it?? I know that I did that my last divorce,although papers were filed and I did just fine emotionally until the divorce was final. It was almost a relief to NOT have to work on stuff anymore. I am willing to get our agreement in writing and legally, so that way at least we are still keeping up with the household expenses, but that is the only thing we would be accountable to, until we can complete the divorce. Financially, neither one of us is in a position to move.

Ironically, I asked him why his first marraige failed. She liked to do family stuff and be at home, (she had a young child) and he liked to go out and socialize and be out all the time. So, they did much as we do now.....she stayed home and he went out. The paralells are uncanny and I have resigned myself to not having any hope of this turning out the way I hoped it would, when I said "I do". Short of a miracle or an ephiphany on his part, I don't see that happening!

BullyMom - finish your RN degree and THEN file for divorce.

You are not going to "change" him. His behavior pattern is set and only he, himself, COULD choose to change those behaviors.
Actions speak louder than words, and all of his actions indicate his extreme selfishness, including using marriage for HIS own purposes.

Get your license, get a good job, and leave.

It takes TWO to recover a marriage and there is no indication that he is ever going to be "on board" with what marriage really is. He is not into "Giving" and he could care less what your "needs are." All he sees and all that is important to him are his own perceived needs, and they are detrimental to a marriage. What he wants is to be married, for whatever reason, and to still be able to conduct his life AS IF he were single. So why let him BE single?

It sounds like he is addicted to a lifestyle and does not want to overcome that addiction.

He made it home close to 3:30am. We argued until about 4:30. He started falling asleep on me, so I told him to sleep somewhere else in the house as I do not want him near me.

I stewed over what was said until 5:30 and finally got a little sleep. However, I had to get up on four hrs sleep and let the dogs out as they have been crated since whatever time he left last nite. At least 12 hrs. It wouldn't be fair to them to sleep in, although I would love to

So, it's lotsa coffee for me and off to work to dispatch for 911 at 2pm.

I told him I deserve better. He said HE deserves better too. I asked him what I am failing HIM on and he stated that he feels like he is on a leash and has to be home at certain times. I told him that sounds pretty funny considering I couldn't yank the chain and correct him before his ONS AND that this is coming from the same man who throws a pity party in counseling that he never gets to do anything with his wife, and sees couples out having fun all the time and I am at work (I am on second shift). He sure doesn't make any effort if we are even at the same party to hang out with me. But somehow that is not meeting his needs!??

He said he kept "Having to defend me" when people asked where I was. That I didn't feel good and left early. I said he didn't have to defend anything. Again, making me the bad guy. I am certain he didn't tell them about his ONS and how hard he is trying to make it work. Much easier to throw me under the bus.

It angers me to no end that he can go on and party and know that I wasn't feeling well about the whole thing. He complained he did "Try". He leaned over the girl to kiss me when I got upstairs and was waiting for me upstairs....and that when I said I was going to leave (when I came out of the bathroom and he was no where to be found...and found out he took off to jam) he showed effort and concern by following me for a kiss. He didn't ask if we could talk for a bit, of what was going on in my head or showing ANY kind of general concern....Just "See you in a bit". But by being up there to kiss me when I got in and walking out to kiss me and leaving to hurry up and go jam, well, in his book that is trying.

He has put his social needs way before anything else. I deserve so much more than what I am getting.

How many times have you been divorced?

BullyMom, your husband is an alcoholic so this will be a way of life for you both. This is what being married to a practicing alcoholic is LIKE. They have lots of affairs and are extremely destructive. He will also destroy you if you allow him.

If I were you, I would accept him as he is and then decide if you want to live like this. Accept that you can't change him. Actually, it won't be like this, it will be WORSE, because alcoholics get progressively worse with passing time.

His problem won't be solved in a psychologists office, let me assure you.

Pep, he is a relapsed alcoholic:

link

A post to BM from tst:

He refuses to see alcohol as a problem.

Even my friends told him he should have left with me. That all I want is to spend time with him, but he goes on and on about what a great time he had and how he caught up with all his friends, etc etc and in the same day will complain that WE do not have any time together.

My friends who hosted the party are the same ones who told him he was making a mistake with the ONS. My gf told me that she is suprised I have tried that long. What I am asking for is companionship and an emotional connection. It's free.

My friends cannot understand it. They say, OMG you are beautiful, intelligent, and all you want is time with your husband and he doesn't even give you that.

Thru all this, I must say, I haven't had time to think about studying, due to the fact my aunts cancer has not been controlled with chemo and radiation and her news is not good. Her mother, my grandmother had to have emergency bowel surgery and SHE is not doing good either. I stand to lose some very dear family members and no one is here for me.

I am not going to live this way, I assure you all. I may have to bide our time until the housing market picks up as we cannot afford to take a loss. But he is going to have to put forth effort. In the past 6 wks he has not tried at all. He tried yesterday am and by the evening he was back to his selfish self.

And I got ripped a new one for not seeing him trying and being able to do it consistently.

(His trying was, to come up when I was pouring my coffee and give me a kiss on the back of the neck) Yes, it was nice. And I told him I missed that stuff, but it does not mean that he cannot walk the walk the rest of the day either.