Hi~

Well I waited two years post separation before I kick started the process to finish the divorce. And I had hoped to be available for two years post divorce in case XH realized that it was better to work on our marriage than to just throw it away... but we're almost 1 year post divorce and he's not come around.

On occasion we go to dinner (especially when my family comes to town). Also he'll invite me to different events. I go because I think it's good for us to have a cordial relationship and I guess the sad truth is I keep hopeful that he will come to appreciate me and what I brought to our relationship.

When we were married, I had a very hard time dealing with his excessive drinking, porn viewing, and most of all his ogling other women. It always made me feel worthless and unloved. He tried to make it up by buying me things, but in the end I always felt sad and lonely throughout the marriage.

So yesterday we are at a fundraiser, and he is actively and now more than ever freely pursuing women. I know we aren't married, but when we go out together it feels so familiar and it feels like we are a couple. On the way home, I told him flat out that it was disrespectful for him to try and hook up with other women when he's asked me to accompany him to an event.

He seemed shocked. He said he didn't understand. He remained silent (his modus operandi). I got out of the car and told myself that I don't think I should accompany him to events or to dinner. It just isn't healthy for me - and if he's such a clueless jerk that he can't even realize how hurtful this is STILL for me...then I don't even want him as a friend.

In addition to the above, there are two other reasons that I've worked so hard to maintain a good relationship with him:

1) My parents love him, and the fact he is a MD gives them some sort of reassurance...they are in their mid 80s and I don't want to take that away from them.

2) Once a quarter, we had agreed he would send me 50% of the dividends of an investment that was solely in his name (and couldn't be divided - apparently you have to be an MD to be in this investment). If he gets a bug up his bottom - he could elect to blow me off or make me go through a bunch of hoops to get the $$ (which is in our settlement). I really need this additional income.

It just seemed easier to try and play nice and suck it up to keep the peace. But now I don't want to hang out with him any more.

Perhaps the occasional dinners etc I have with him, keeps me from wanting to date anyone. I truly have no desire. I wonder if I exclude XH the desire for male companionship from a more appropriate source might surface.

Any thoughts?

I think this is a tough one because it sounds like you both possibly still love each other and are having problems letting go. My STBX and I still hang out too. He even asked if we should send xmas cards out together like usual. ??? So, he's confused too. Mine is also a big time drinker and proud of it. Therefore, he is often clueless as to how others feel as he does what he pleases regardless of how others feel. Hmmm. I wonder if ALanon would be a good place for you to go. It helped me and I really need to start going to meetings again (it's family and friends of alcoholics).

And I agree, it keeps us from wanting to date...and I think THEY know that. I think my stbx keeps asking me out to keep me on a long leash-so to speak. I don't think he wants me to date anyone. And when I hang out w/him, I start thinking maybe he'll change and then I don't want to date anyone. It's just bad news though.

As far as the MD thing, well, you aren't responsible for providiing your folks w/an MD. Not at the expense of your own life, sanity, and happiness; no way. So, throw that guilt out like a bag of stinking garbage.

And the money? Well, you don't have to let the whole relationship go sour. Just tell him it's too heartbreaking to go out w/him when he checks out other ladies and talks about getting with them or what not. Tell him you're still not over him and you just can't hang out like that. That's what I told mine and he stopped sending me emails saying we should sleep together despite everything. I told him those emails made me think he missed me and wanted me and might possible want to change and work on things. WEll, he stopped sending those kinds of emails. SO, just telling him straight up that spending that kind of time with him is really confusing for you but you value his frienship might help. You could be friends, just maybe not close friends????

Well, good luck.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I wish I was better at articulating and just being truthful about my feelings.

My XH also suggested we sleep together.... no way!!! I would never do that - that's what he was aiming for during our marriage - he always thought that open marriage was the way to go. So in some ways being divorced and still sleeping with me would have been a dream come true for him... that's not gonna happen!

Friends and family ask me if I am dating. I tell them all the same thing - I just don't have the desire and the energy to go through all of the steps in finding a companion. Sometimes I wish I did - but mostly I'm still really enjoying my time alone and with my female friends.

Take care - I think your suggestion is good - gotta get back to Alanon. I found it very helpful early on - and I think this is a cycling process and I should go back from time to time..

No problem

So you've been to ALanon-that's good. I used to go a lot. Now I have that feeling that I need to start going again too. You're right, it does seem cyclical.

As for your XH...why buy the cow if the milk is free, right? That's what I keep in my mind if I ever get tempted to just go ahead and sleep with him.

I'm having a good time being with my girls and just hanging out with friends too. Sometimes I do yearn for a man, someone who loves me, someone to share with as an adult, intimacy, etc. I really do. Sometimes I don't care at all. Sometimes I want my stbx to want me back. It's all very confusing. But, I just keep figuring that the confusion will lift. Restore me to sanity, my prayer.

Good luck.

Jen

I'm always stunned that there are people that actually can have corial relationships with their X's. It is not something I have ever managed to do. The thought of meeting WstbxH for anything is nauseating and those occassions where we have no choice but to both show up (e.g DS milestone events) cause me weeks of stress. So I truly admire you that you can do this. I just don't comprehend it.

How often are these occassional dates? Rather than blow him off completely, can you just cut back? Say no once in a while at first and then reduce it even more - gradually fade out of his life? I suspect he is still getting something out of his (ego boost perhaps?) but if he sees you less, he'll look elsewhere without a dramatic exit.

If he isn't treating you respectfully, as he would most other dates, it may not be worth going.

If I learned anything from my marriage and divorce is that I have some real character flaws and weaknesses which all come out in my relationships with men. I'm 53 and I'd say I had three serious relationships (only married once).

All of the men were very inappropriate for me - two of them had substance abuse issues and I'm pretty sure two of them had sexual addiction and or sexual identity issues.

In every relationship I suppressed my needs so that I would be able to have the relationship - foolishly thinking that you can't have it all and that it would all work out.

I also see that I have a tendency to be overly romantic and can allow myself to fool myself about who the person is and what our relationship signifies.

I get depressed thinking that I am incapable of attracting and choosing an appropriate companion. I feel like it's safer to stay single.

I realize I'm also afraid of hurting anyone - I fear the dynamic of a gentleman who like me more than I like him (it's always been the other way around and I'm much more comfortable with that).

I've always felt more comfortable (in control) when I'm trying to convince someone to love me. Man - I hope to NEVER do that again. But then I'm caught in a bind..maybe I'm too screwed up to have a sweet and loving companionship.

My marriage ended 6 moths ago and my ex and I see each other once a week. I do think this stops me from dating, although I didn't want him back. Thats a whole other story because he does want me back. Anyway he has asked me to go out with him and his friends, but I haven't. I could not handle seeing him chat up another woman...even if he wasn't really but I thought he might be. I mean I wouldn't even know if its a woman he slept with or anything and I can't handle that. And like yours mine is clueless, very little emotional intelligence that I know I could easily be hurt if I went out with him as well as others at the same time. I agree that you don't have to sour the whole thing and put your money at risk. Just explain its your issue and its best not to go to events together. Its too hard. We know that our ex's might well be in relationships or having sex with with other people, but having it stare your in the face is a whole other thing. My ex told me about a 2 month relationship he had that didn't work out, and I was utterly crushed. why he told me I don;t know,. He says it was because we are friends and he wanted to be honest with me. As you rightly said 'clueless'!

I can't really comprehend this either. If I still wanted to hang out or date with my Ex, I wouldn't have got a divorce. I will be cordial to her like any other female friend, but if I felt I wanted to be with her (dating or hanging out), I probably shouldn't have got a divorce since the relationship was not resolved in my mind.

I have no anger or hate for her, but I simply don't want to be intimate with her in any way (emotionally, physically, etc.) This was decided for me before I ever left the home. It was a process that happened over many years for me.

I wish my ex was like that but he wants to be best friends forever. I don't get it. During the last year of our marriage he kept up communications with other women that were .... clearly pursuing them. He says he is sorry, that he was just messed up. I end the marriage and he refuses to have no contact, insisting we will be best friends forever. We have dinner, go out to lunch, coffee and its nice and relaxing, but its hanging on to the past. I feel I can't move in without seeing him but I keep accepting his invitations out. He says "I'll pick you up from work and we'll have dinner" or "I'll drop around and we'll take the dogs for a walk together". I think I need to stop seeing him. I just don't want to hurt him. And I have debts I need his help with... so hard.

I found your mistake. Stop accepting invitations.

Don't you think he's doing a bit of cake-eating here? Just because it doesn't involve physical intimacy doesn't mean he's not getting something out of it. And he's giving nothing back. He's got all the benefits of the marriage without the responsibilities.

Friends can be lovers, but lovers can never be friends. It's time to let him go. You won't hurt him. He's already hurt himself.