Have you explained to him that he would have to leave that job in order for your marriage to recover? Your level of trust of in him is unwarranted, but even so, your marriage cannot recover until contact ends, regardless of how much he is trusted. I just wanted to make sure you understood how critical this is.

Yes, I did tell him that and he has contacted head hunter and 'supposedly' been looking for jobs. I did tell him the night that it all came out (9/17- discussion with the OWh's) that continuing to work together is like continuing the affair...

I laid it all out there as to what my 'boundaries' were

1) find a job by the end of november
2) fix up the house so we can sell it (can't live in the same town as the OW)
3) resume therapy, either together or on his own (i still goto mine)

4) talk to our daughters to try and 'fix' the damage he has caused them

so far he attempted at #4 but failed horribly.
as for the others.. I just wait and see but after last night, I think plan D will be resuming. He has not called or wrote, nothing.

He's probably attempting to contact OW. Oh well!

I've been trying to help you from the beginning.

I've been happily recovered in our marriage for 5 years and have tried to encourage you to use the methods that helped me.

That is..ATTEMPTING to strictly follow the MBer's plans.

Those of us who have been directing you in that way are your HELP...are your LIFELINE...

Your ANSWER is to ACT..to FIGHT...to FIGHT your DEPRESSION...

Don't you recall me encouraging you to do PLAN A?

Your WH is following the typical script..saying and doing the typical WH stuff...that most if not all say...

AND you are doing a GREAT JOB with this terrible, awful situation for YOU...

He wants to continue his ADDICTION and you are not making it at all EASY for him to do this....

Well WH just got fired... part of me is happy, but the other part is now how are we going to pay our bills....

Oh well. Just another thing to have to deal with...

Another thing? At least now you have a chance to save your marriage. The way you were going, you were headed for much worse than job loss, you were headed towards the loss of your marriage and your sanity. He can get another job.

What happened? I take it his company fired him for his workplace affair?

Huge tactical error, but ultimately it doesn't matter because he was working with her anyway.

You need a plan, and you need to stick to it.

Since you've already done Plan A and reached a point you thought you were in recovery, the answer for you is Plan B. You need a detailed list of your boundaries. "WH, this is what it will take for me to consider trying to recover our marriage. Are you willing to do that?" And if the answer is no, or if he doesn't follow through, immediate Plan B.

Far better that he lose his job, or even your home, than lose your family. He will be angry and upset for a while, but this is the first time in this whole mess that you've had a chance at recovery.

Everything that's been going on so far has just been a nervous breakdown in a bottle.

t/j

Hey mimi!! How ya' been? I was just thinking about you yesterday!

Charlotte

I agree. Pick one of the plans and focus your attention on that. There are awesome folks posting to you that can help you through it. Following one of the Plans is what will get you through this mess. When I was in Plan A, I had several Plan A threads/posts bookmarked here and my own notes that I had to read through 3-4 times a day to keep my thoughts straight since my head was just spinning.

I've read here before if you are to a point where you can't control your LoveBusters, you need to move to Plan B. Is that where you are at?

Hang in there and keep posting.

What was his reaction/response to you?

Did anything happen to OW?

nthefogg, the financial fallout sure isn't pretty but you had to do what your husband was too weak to do if your M is to have any chance at all; not to mention keeping your sanity.

I know it's going to be hard and you can't see the daylight right now, but this was the first step towards any possible chance for your M. He won't see that right now, he'll be angry as all get out, but that'll pass. This doesn't mean the A will be over. It's going to be hard to plan A while he's angry, but try not to be guided by his anger, do not let yourself be drawn in emotionally. Keep repeating to him that you are committed to saving your family. Remain unaffected by him and his responses, he will not be himself for quite some time yet. Plan A until you decide you need to switch to Plan B. Remember this isn't about what he deserves, it's about recovering your M...and if that happens, the rewards for you will come eventually.

Sorry for not responding... Alot has happened. First off, when he finally was able to get a hold of me (had to got and get a cell phone since 1) he personal one with the texts/pictures btwn him and OW are in my possession and 2) the work cell was immediately taken from him) He told me he lost his job but come to find out, it was already in the making. He was not angry at all. Actually it seemed he was relieved yet worried about helping the family financially.

I took off for the weekend to NYC (had it planned for weeks) with my friend and our daughters-- combo college visit and sweet 16 celebrations)

He was left home with the baby and new carpet being installed. I have to say, he busted his hump and did everything around the house and welcomed me home with open arms.

Got his cell phone attached to my account (tempted to activate the GPS locator on it but it sends him a message when that is done) I have full access to his phone anytime I ask..

BUT, I know she got canned too, now.. the dilemma is this. He's out of work, so is she, we both live in the same town.. what makes me think they are not meeting each other while our respective children are at school??

I come home yesterday, he's applied for jobs and done painting and door replacements around the home, not to mention made homemade lasagna for dinner.. And last night was the most passion we have had in a LONG time..

is this an act? Hard to tell if he is truly trying, I guess with everything I seem to (inside) doubt all he is doing yet appreciate it at the same time.

Just hate the unknown of exactly what he's doing while I'm at work..

I have yet to get the digital voice recorder but I know now, it is something I need to do to maintain the minimal bit of sanity i have left!

I'm doing Plan A, as best as I can.. have my moments, trying to minimize the LB's. Compliment and adore him with all he's doing around the house.. actually quite like it!

So that's my update for now, advices are so much appreciated. You guys provide so much value to all of us dealing with these situations I don't know how I would have gotten here without you..(well not the A, but well.. you know!)

Sounds like you're doing ok ntf, much better than me! But I only have myself to blame for that. Good luck