Well, I have posted on here for a while about my WW. I'm not going to point to or hint to who I am because she does get on here and try to read what I am writing.

Unfortunately, it's gotten to the point where I'm all but done with her. There just has been too much that has happened over this whole ordeal and lies I have discovered as far back as when we first met that are REALLY hard to get over.

Anyway, I wrote a letter to my 4 yr. old son. I would love to sit him down and explain everything right now, but he will not understand it (for various reasons that I will not get into). So, this letter is written to be given to him when he turns a certain age (haven't decided what age yet).

This thread is NOT about me and my WW and everything associated with our situation. I just thought I would share my letter with those who are going through the same ordeal and might want to do the same for their child / children.

Anyway, here it is...


Dear son,

At the time of me writing this, you are 4 yrs. old. I desperately
want to sit you down and tell you so much, but you just will not be
able to understand nor comprehend what I am talking to you about. As
of this point in your life, I hope that this letter will allow you
to not only see a piece of the past but also help you understand a
pivotal point in both of our lives.

I write from a day that I just couldn’t take it any more, a day
that I finally exhausted all energy, hope and reason. I write you
from a day that I finally had to just give up.

Many things have transpired over the span of the last X months. From
heartache to confussion, from unbearable stress to deep pain, from
lost to loneliness. And through it all, I have held my head up as
high as I humanly could under the circumstances and tried to weather
the onslaught of the storm. I scratched and clawed and used every
ounce of energy, wit and muscle I had for the cause but I came up
short. I fought as hard as I could to save our family; to keep us
three as a whole; so that we would be there for each other and for
you every day. But, it unfortunately did not work out like I hoped. This was the greatest fight of my life, and the greatest loss I have ever experienced.

I always believe you must NEVER give up on the things that you truly
believe in and for the people that mean the most to you. But, no
matter how many times you pick yourself up from the depths of defeat,
it seems some battles just are not meant to be won.

During this time period, your mom has done a lot of things that have
hurt me deeply. And, while I’m not writing this to crucify her or
make her into the villian, her actions led me to this point. I
really tried my hardest to forgive her for everything she has done
but, as of now, she has not shown one bit of remorse or inkling to
want to work things out. I have been through so much and I just
can’t bear it any longer.

I’m so sorry from the deepest part of my heart and soul. I REALLY
wanted us to be a family - forever. I love your mom very much and I
love the life we shared, both before and after you came into our
lives. We had so many happy memories and I treasure each and every
one of them. When you were born, it was the greatest event of my life
and I adored the family life we had together and the memories we
created. Our marriage was rocky at times (who’s isn’t?), but
having you and your mom to come home to every day meant the world to
me. The X years your mom and I spent together, especially the four we
shared raising you, are the best years of my life.

You are THE GREATEST aspect of my life. I pray that your mom has
done right by you all these years. Heck, I pray that I have done
right by you. I pray that you have had a good, loving life up until
now and that having your parents not together hasn’t hindered your
upbringing too much.

You just have to know that this decision did not come easy what-so-
ever. By accepting this fate, I have affectively ended the chances of
seeing my son every day which is, by far, the worst aspect of this all.

You are my son. I love you more than anyone can imagine and all I
ever wanted was what is best for you. I hope you understand that this
is the absolutely last thing I wanted for our family and that you
can forgive me for my part in what happened.

Love,
Daddy

Clover -
This is heartbreaking in a way. I'm sorry you and your son have to go through this.

I have to say that after reading the letter, from a mother's point of view, it would be best not to give this to him in his formative years. Perhaps when he turns 18.

I just think you are likely to have ample opportunity to answer his questions over the next 14 years in an age-appropriate format that he'll understand.

The truth is the truth, but it still casts an unfavorable light on his mother whom he will be spending a great deal of time with. She's going to need his respect to raise him properly.

I do think he needs to read it someday. I think it's important for adult kids to understand what happened, that parents aren't perfect, and that life still goes on. I just think it can wait until he's an adult; that's all, kwim?

It's obvious how much you love him and are concerned about his little heart. You're a good daddy.

I feel for you. Been there - done that got the T-Shirt. But I'm not going to waste your time retelling old divorce horror stories. What's important is now - you and your child.
Be advised, your WW most likely will do her utmost to TURN YOUR SON AGAINST you and lie and brainwash him - and she has 14 years to do it.
Please do everything you can to stay in contact with your son if at all possible!
Ex spouses for some strange reason feel compelled a lot of times to USE their children in whatever way to 'hurt' their ex spouse. And in the end, nobody gets hurt but the poor children.
I hope this works out for you and your son.
May God bless you both.
Harold

[font:Verdana]The letter touches my heart, because as a Daddy I too have lost that ability to see our children each and every day. I miss the opportunities to tuck them in, share a table with them each night, listen to the fuss and arguments between the three of them, plus a lot more.

But....

I would never give the letter to him...that's just me.

When the former wife chose to divorce I made a decision to stay actively involved in their lives. Granted, as a n0n-custodial parent that can be hard at times and even more so if your former wife chooses to do anything possible and within her menes to destroy that relationship. But it can be done.

I am now 5 years out of divorce, still have a very close relationship with all three of our children. In my personal opinion even closer than what the children have with their Mother. And the whole of that is I chose 5 years ago to listen to them, to understand that they have feelings, emotions and desires that need to be nurtured and listened to. Not to bash their Mother, not to remember or repeat things from our past, but to simply love them and be the best Daddy that I can be from across the river.

Your son will see that you are an active part of his life, he will eventually know the truth regardless of what his Mother may choose to say about you. But does it really matter? If you choose today to stay a part of his life and as a Father you have those rights, he will know that you care, that you love, that you cherish the time you have with him. At four, you may not get a verbal response from him but as time passes that bond will grow.

I guess to sum it up my daughter's response would be best to illustrate it. She recently got her first job and I recently lost mine. Which of course caused me to be available Friday evening. She called and wanted to know if I could pick her up from work because she was a bit sad. I told her that I could but to call her Mom and make sure that it would be OK with her and to let her know that it would be a couple of hours as we were going out for desert. (Mom said that was fine) I picked her up and we went to a local restaurant for desert and talked, (I listened) for 2 hours. As I was taking her home she said "Thanks for listening Daddy, I sure wish Mommy would do that". And then she referred back to a comment I had made to her and the others 5 years ago. "Daddy you told us when you and Mommy divorced that you had an option to be either a parent or a provider, I just want to say Thank You for being a parent."

Just be there for him to the best of your ability, make him and his needs an important part of your life, and as he gets older...listen.

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Since I've had no contact with mine for almost two years now, let me tell you what I have done for when or if he ever tries to find me.

I have all of her adlulerous evidence in an envelope and I will give it to him to make his own conclusion of what really happened.

I don't think that he'll ever try to find me as she has demonized me so much, but it's here when or if the time ever comes and the evidence I have on her will absolutely wreck any illusions he had about her.

Pariah. If you've had no contact with him, how do you know that she has demonized you so much? Just wondering.

"the evidence I have on her will absolutely wreck any illusions he had about her"

Who are you looking to hurt? Her...or him?

I still have contact with my old friends form back home. One is an airframe/powerplant mechanic at the airport. He is good friends with XBIL.

Who am I looking to hurt?

Truth hurts, when I clear myself of any wrong doing.

How much do you think it hurt him for her to tell him I abandoned them and I wanted nothing to do with him ever again?

Whether or not it hurts, he deserves to know the truth. Giving him the evidence, while it may seem cold, is at least unbiased which is how it would seem for any rendition Pariah chose to tell him personally. I think you are doing the right thing Pariah.

Pariah, I'm not sure what your story is with your son. Have you attempted to get any sort of partial custody?