First, let me say that MB has helped me through the most difficult time in my life. I have studied everything here that I can and it has helped...my story is long, but I will be brief.
My wife of 18 years left me 4 weeks ago. We have 3 grown children and a son living at home who is 12. She brought the older kids home on Sunday afternoon and announced she was leaving me. The kids had been told that our marriage was "bad". I had become a verbal monster and had disconnected with all of the family, etc. The older kids were very confused. When I asked my wife what the real reason was..."Yes, I'm seeing someone else". At that moment in time, my world stopped. She packed clothes, etc and was gone living with her grandmother. Now, skipping alot, the first thing that occured after that was the older kids realized within a few days that most of the story was BS! My son who is 12 has stayed with me about 60% of the time. He does not know. The older kids and I are doing great. They know that dad is a good hardworking, loving person and not some "monster".
Here is where I need the help...I have decided to work on me. My son and I exercise very hard and I am spending every moment available with him. He and I are great. My wife continues see her frend. She says it has been 2 months and it is someone she has known since High School. After reading everything on MB, I have a understanding of plan A and plan B, and all the other stuff. We have had several conversations and she stated that she does love and care for me. I should not have, but I cried, and pleaded (very gently) to please do not throw away a good marriage. She says "I simply have nothing left to give you". I have asked her to meet with our Pastor and/or counciling. She does not want to do either.
I know most of you are wondering what I did that caused this. I am quilty of working too much with too much stress. We both chose a lifestyle that has required more and more of me to provide for our family. The stress of meeting all our financial obligations has caused me to be short and sharp tounged. I admit that, I know that I did "disconnect" from all of my family. We are a loving family and I did not show it like I should. That being said...NO ONE deserves this. We enjoyed an active and I thought good sex life, even the morning she left!
I just do not have a clear picture on what the next steps are. I realize that this affair could turn into a long term relationship and I also realzie that it will probably die a natural death. I cannot use exposure (everyone in our family knows) and I cant seem to seperate her from her lover. Plan B will only hurt my son even more. So, at this point, I am showing her the husband that she used to love...kind words, willingness to work through financial decisions, taking our son to church, and being a good dad to all the kids... I think that she has noticed, but I cant get her to engage.....please, I want to make this marriage work...I swear it is a good marriage...some POS has stolen my wife and she is very confused, but is living the "affair" life...you know, all my fault and she has done nothing wrong.....what now?

Does this OM's social circle know about it? Does he have a girlfriend, wife, parents?

So, she has the older children, and you have the youngest; do I understand that right?

Did you ask her to fill out the LB questionnaire, or can you do that for her and ask her to go over it and correct it to make sure you filled it in correctly?

Kickme, sorry you are here. Have you exposed the affair all key people? Her parents, his family, your family? Have you told your children the truth so they can make some sense out of the lies she is telling them? Have you cut off all money so she is not using family finances to fund her affair?

I would click on "notify" and ask the mods to move to the General Questions 11 in the Infidelity forum. You definitely need to be in Infidelity.

Sorry you are here..

I do not know any details. I only know the OM is a single dad who has a 21 yo that he has had custody for a number of years. He lives at home with his dad. He is in law enforcement and they did go to a birthday party a couple of weeks ago. So, yes he has introduced her to some of his friends.
As far as our children. Our oldest if 25 and is her son. He calls me dad because I raised him as my own son. I have a daughter and a son (we were both prev married) and we have our son together.
I have tried to get her to engage and yes, with the LB questionaire...it is still laying on the counter. She just does not want to even think that we can fix it.....

Okay, so you need to fill that out for her and be honest with yourself in the process. Then you need to do your best to eliminate those things that upset her.

I would take the advice above, also, and move this to the other forum suggested. I think you'll get better response over there.

I do wonder if the most important people in her life know about this - the people whose esteem she values...?

kickme, it is real important that you find out the details and expose the affair to his family. You might want to also contact the OM and make sure he knows your wife is married and that you will fight for your marriage. Exposure to the OM's father will make it very hard for your wife to be in family's presence if they know she is a married woman in an adulterous affair. OM father might even influence him to stop this. We have had affairs that were killed by parents alone.

Affairs do not last. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years becasue the very traits that made them possible, deceit and thoughtlessness, eventually ruin the affair.

You should also understand that an affair is an addiction much like alcohol or narcotics. Your wife has the mentality of a falling down drunk right now and can't be expected to be rational.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposing this will be like bringing in a crowd of onlookers to watch the crack heads get high. No one likes to get high while everyone is watching.

Has the affair been exposed to your family and hers?

It is good that you are working on the CARROT of Plan A, but that is not effective without the STICK.You will not be able to meet her needs until her affair ends, and you should be doing everything in your power to KILL IT.

KM,

Welcome to posting on MB.

Ready for your kicks?


Be sure to really read about Love Busters. This is a big one. Your assumptions can kill a relationship...they are manipulative, dishonest and fantasy. They are untrue. You state as fact what you cannot know.

And life is tough with all we don't know...as you work on you, beef up your reality muscle to be okay not knowing what you don't know right now.

Plan A is about bringing reality--not educating, shaming, convincing or condemning. So stating your stuff as fact is just like your WW fog. It's toxic to you and all your relationships.

Time to be honest with your 12-year-old, too. With her family and yours. Inform OM's family too. Bringing reality is reporting honestly WW & OM's choices. Do not back down from this.

Btw, posters/readers here know that you cannot cause an A. No way, no how. That is solely a choice the WS makes--not in your control. WS's justify...listen for it...because they are lying to themselves to make what they want right somehow. Don't buy in. You can know reality...most likely, only you know reality right now in your family.

You are her husband, her real mate...she can't be "seeing someone else" which is a lie. She is committing adultery right now...refer to it as such, do not waiver and don't try to make her see your way...anymore than allow her to make you see her way.

Listen and repeat...strive first to understand, then be understood. See, repeat back what you hear her saying...your goal is not to get her to stop saying what she's saying--your goal is to save your marriage, which means doing everything to end the A and get to No Contact (NC).

We can get lost from our own goal if we're not careful. Be care-filled, 'k? When you really hear her words, thoughts, beliefs as hers, not you making her, then you'll know you're in a healthy Plan A. Calm respectfulness.

Your job is to eliminate LBs...because they add to your pain and harm your marriage. DJs are really sneaky and can feel very good. Watch these...they are tough. The better you see them in yourself, the easier it will be to hear when others are doing them. Assumptions kill relationships, 'k?

Get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Listen and repeat back her words as hers...do not buy into them. Know your own. Really look at your beliefs and stay focused on your own goal. And congratulations for coming to MB and posting...in my life, it made all the difference.

You are not alone.

LA

Welcome to MB. Sorry you find yourself in such a painful situation. Under the circumstances, there is no better place to be.

You have read about Plans A and B but are you in Plan A?
If so, for how long?
What actions have you taken in your implementation of Plan A?

I cannot use exposure (everyone in our family knows)...
When you say everyone in your family, who do you mean?
The 12 year old does not know, and should.
Have you told your parents?
Her parents?
Her best friends?

How do they know, who told them? If your wife told them, she probably said "We're having hard times so I moved out." She may have forgotten to mention she's in an affair, or that you want to save the marriage.

...and I cant seem to seperate her from her lover.
You can't make her do, think, or feel anything.
You can only control yourself.

Plan B will only hurt my son even more.
Read about Plan B again. In Plan B the children still spend time with their mother, talk with her, etc. In fact, part of the Plan B letter defines how visitation will occur.

You say the OM is single. How do you know this? If your wife told you, you need to do some more investigation.

Kick,

No I am not going to kick you. Several things need to happen before your marriage has a chance.

1. Is exposure as you have already been told. You stated you have done exposure. I would suggest that if the OM is in law inforcement that you find out his position, what he does, and who his bosses are. This can be a bit messy so also consult a lawyer on how best to expose this, and this may include a lawsuit against the agency IF they are made aware of this affair and do nothing. Most don't like the publicity that comes with this sort of thing.

2. Get your mind around plan B. Harley makes the point that most people don't do plan A long enough, but those that do often don't go to plan B soon enough. Plan A most often does not break up the affair. It does plant seeds that the marriage can be saved even after all the WS has done. Plan B forces the OM to meet all of her needs. AND you can do plan B while sharing custody with your 12 year old. Use an intermediary to exchange information and the child.

Another note about plan B. It is NOT punishment. It is not to get the WS back. It's main purpose is to maintain a positive account in your love bank. Your W's love bank is low, and OM is making deposits in her account. Your's is higher. If your's goes to zero and it will as this drags on, recovery is not very likely because someone has to endure and try through recovery. Plan B slows the drain by removing you from the day to day drama, and the constant put downs that WS's love to do. So consider plan B sooner rather than later.

3. Learn as much as you can about the life of an affair. Learn about love busters, and understand that your W is not the woman you were married to right now. Learn about reverse babble, which can be found on this site, but I don't recall the exact thread.

4. Consider a job that requires less stress. Consider down sizing the financial demands, and that includes stopping all support of your W.

5. Spend time with friends and family, and especially your children. ENjoy them, and do your best to enjoy your life. Since your W has moved out, make sure that you stay active, take good care of yourself, and seek a better balance in your life.

Kick, no matter how this turns out, you will still be a father, you will still be who you are, and if you do this right you will be at peace that you have done all you can to preserve your family and marriage. Learn, improve yourself and your life and give this plenty of time and patience. It is a long battle and recovery takes roughly two years. Yes, all of this is measured in years.

One final thought, please explain to your 12 year old what is happening. The child needs to understand what is happening and that it is not the fault of their actions.

God Bless,

JL

PS; Almost forgot. Seek counseling, PRO-MARRIAGE counseling. Even if your W won't go, go yourself. The Harleys are very good at this primarily because their approach is to "coach" people through these things. Consider it.

Thanks so much for all your advise...let me see if I can answer all the questions. My parents have both passed. My brother and his wife live out of our state. My SIL is my WW's closest friend and they know. They heard her story, but they know me and knew it was not as she made it out to be. My SIL is still waiting on my WW to call and she will let my WW know her opinions.
Her parents and our entire family know. At this point she has not responded to any "pressure" from any family member. She knows that everyone is upset with her, but as I said at this time she simply does not care. To complicate matters, her grandmother is ill and my WW is helping the family with the "live in" care. Too bad for me and our marriage, but having a caregiver has taken some of the pressure off the rest of her family.
EXPOSURE; all my frinds know, her family knows, the older children know, our pastor knows...
As far as the OP and his family...I have not found out any of that info. I am taking steps to do that as we speak. I did contact his employeer and asked general questions. Yes, it is against the law for a LEO to have an affair. If I could prove it...bla bla bla.
I have been in plan A for about two and half weeks. All I can do is gently remind her that I love her and try to add to her love bank. She has noticed...it just has not cleared the fog.
The older children are afraid to push too hard because they seen how easily she planned her departure from our home...and they are concerned she will shut them out completely. My WW words to me on this subject was that the kids will "just have to deal with it".
No one has met this person that I know of. I think they would tell me. The kids have made it clear to my WW that they do not want to meet him. I'm not sure she has even offered.
I know that a modified plan A may not be the absolute right choice, but for this complicated mess...it seems to be having a small impact. I feel that I need to continue to show her the man she still loves somewhere in that heart of hers. As I said, just last week she told me she loves me....

My SIL is my WW's closest friend and they know...Her parents and our entire family know...all my frinds know, her family knows, the older children know, our pastor knows...
HOW do they know?
Did you tell them yourself? If so, exactly what did you tell them? It is very important that they get the true, complete story straight from you with no excuses, candy coating, or glossing over.

I have been in plan A for about two and half weeks. All I can do is gently remind her that I love her and try to add to her love bank.
What are her top ENs?
Exactly what are you doing to meet them?

Sorry, but you're being very vague and that makes it hard to respond to you in a helpful manner.

She admitted to the adultery and they have been seen together in public.

What proof do they want? Whatever it is get it.

You want this relationship to be potentially very expensive for OM to continue.



You should do this today.

I am sorry for being vague....my WW and I were a loving couple..no arguments, daily I love you's, active sex, etc.
All I really know is it is like we went to the grand canyon on vacation, walked to the rim and she pushed me. There has NEVER been any signs that I noticed. Shame on me. I believe it was only 2 months at that time. This OP has kidnapped my wife and she likes it!!
As far as exposure...of course my WW spun her story and how I was this "bad" person. Everyone that I know including family and friends has heard me say, I love MY wife BUT she is having an affair. This is not about me being bad...its about her having an A.
I apoligize that I cannot add more. She simply checked out of our marriage and does not have any desire to stop the A.
Her top EN's are affection. I thought I was giving her all she needed. Boy was I wrong!!
I guess if I am being honest with myself, in her current state of mind...getting the OP fired, etc., will not bring her back, but would make her believe that I am NOW the person she made me out to be.
Dang it!!

Her current state of mind will change by the hour. You do not have to be a friend of their adultery. My personal opinion is that law enforcement officials comitting adultery need to be exposed and go down hard.

Killing the adultery is your number one priority right now.

Expose at his job, expose to his father, and expose to your son.

Your marriage is done right now. You may be able to recover it with action, but today it's dead. What do you have to lose?

Fight to get your family back.

Get an appointment to talk to one of the Harleys today. They can give you a plan.

KM,

You cannot get the OP fired. You don't employ him.

You can inform.

When you go for clarity, the pain lessens, you stop being surprised and in a swirl...and your actions gain clarity, as well.

You can't disprove your WW's opinion...it's hers. Hear the lies in the justification. By sharing the truth of their choices, you aren't causing anything. Or curing it. What you are not doing any longer is helping them HIDE it from your own fear of her response.

She is excellent at hiding from you...obviously...and you're willing to have things hid from you. Change that. Discover on your own, ascertain the truth and share it.

When you change your steps in the dance, the dance changes.

Mind your love bank...watch it's balance...protect it from her draining it, 'k? Your own acts from love...like standing for your marriage, sharing the truth, asking for support for The Marriage...will keep it going for awhile. Your self-respect goes up...not based on her opinion...just your own...so will you self-esteem...no victim, no predator. Just you choosing your plan, your actions and following your goal.

Sounds to me like WW met your ENs really well pre-A...so now you know that assumptions can make it so you feel pushed over the side of the Grand Canyon. Examine that...in yourself...sounds like you cherished, were grateful, and felt connected to her.

So you were.

Doesn't mean she was...up to you to be aware, not the fix.

If you keep basing your actions on her possible response, you'll lose your marriage shortly. Begin basing your choices on The Marriage, not your WW, 'k?

LA

Worth a repeat.

Important to not only plan A.


Also learn about and do a 180. You go about and enjoying life. Showing your wife that you are sitting around waiting forever for her return.

Remember to not beg, plead, or, act clingy. These things make you appear to be weak. Which is a turn off to any woman.

This does not mean to start dating. But go out with your kids, and friends. Whatever your normal budget can allow.

Bump.

Also taking the liberty of placing Kickme's most recent post here in his main thread so it's easier for folks to keep up with his story.
--
Please see my post dated 10-10 (MB please help)...

Need some help on this. My wife has left our home and is continuing the A. We have gently discussed this...she refuses to go to church, counciling, etc.
EVERY family member, now including our 12 yo son knows about the A. There is presure building from the older children and her family members...but she just says the family will just have to "deal with it".
As far as the OM, I am working hard on gathering info on him. I will have the info by weeks end...but some of our friends have seen them together...(introduced not by name but as a friend).
I am in plan A....nothing from me but gentle words and kindness.

What or how do I end this A if she does not want to stop. I realize it is like an drug and she is in a fog. I want to save our loving marriage...but I can't seem to get through to her. She just acts like she is done and does not care.....
Help me with this please...................!!!!!

...she refuses to go to church, counciling, etc.
I am in plan A....nothing from me but gentle words and kindness.
What or how do I end this A if she does not want to stop.
You are still trying to control your WW. You CANNOT DO THAT. You can't MAKE her do anything. You can't make her go to church, attend counseling, or end the affair. Quit trying to control her actions, it is a waste of your energy and only irritates her.

Plan A is more than gentle words and kindess. The "gentle words and kindness" means you're avoiding angry outbursts, and that is good. You mentioned that affection is her top EN. That one is hard to meet when she's not living with you. What are her other top ENs?

She moved out... where is she living now, and how is she paying for it?

I want to save our loving marriage...but I can't seem to get through to her.
That's because she's in a state of withdrawal from you. While she's in withdrawal, your efforts to make deposits appear futile. Her bank door is closed to you. Nevertheless, keep up in Plan A because at some level your actions are registering with her. Just don't expect to see any evidence of that.

How long have you been in plan A and what are some specific examples of how you are implementing Plan A? If we know what you've been doing we can suggest ways forward.

I am not funding her A. She is living with her Grandmother.
In order to convince the older kids and her family of her decision to leave, she took several weeks to convince them all that I had become a "monster"...as I've stated, the kids now believe she made this all up. I know that I have to work on me and yes, she has commented on the change she has seen. Without making any BS excuses, all I did to harm our marriage was to "disconnect"....pretty easy to fix.
As far as her EN, affection, financial security and communication. So, I have been patient and have worked hard at meeting these needs.
My wife loves me, she just loves another more right now...damn thats hard to say.