My wife will not go to counseling with me. I have gone alone. The counselor really wants her perspective on our relationship to better guide me. He was willing to speak to her on the phone, outside of the office, whatever it took.

She does not believe in counseling and asserts that people in such fields usually have psychological problems.

I nearly purchased an audio marital help cd from some nice lady that was on Oprah. I had this idea that my wife and I would drive someplace picturesque, be close, and listen to the cd alone. That idea went south when I revealed it in an effort to resolve a conflict.

I am not sure how to reach her. She and I cannot communicate well because she gets frustrated and upset with a conversation, or she will turn something around that I start to mention, cut me off, won't listen, and then make it all about her.

I may still buy Dr. Harley's book, but I KNOW she we will adverse to reading it together.

I miss her.

i'm very new to this site, so please take my viewpoint for what it's worth.

i'm almost 100% sure that your wife has another love interest in her life. whether it is an EA or a PA is uncertain, but i'm telling you, it's there. I also think that you're too frightened by the thought of your marriage ending to let yourself accept the truth. trust me on this, your relationship will only continue to deteriorate if you do not find out what's going on and confront her. if you do, your chances of saving your marriage are much better. you'll also need to expose the A to make sure that it cannot continue, and have her agree to the NC plan. please don't continue to let her rule your life like this because you're afraid your marriage might end, as it stands your relationship is only going to get worse. yes, if you do find something out things will get worse... for a while, but then the have an opportunity to get better than they ever were before.

Deeplysaddened,

Thank you for your reply and welcome to Marriage Builders. I am a recent member as well.

Unless she has a wee man hidden in a suitcase, I cannot imagine her having a physical affair. An emotional affair, yes.

I know I am not meeting her needs, but I do not know how to bridge that space either. I try. I will keep trying.

and EA can be just as damaging to your relationship as a PA, and of course often leads to a PA as well.

i understand that you're trying to meet her emotional needs to bring her back to you, and while very noble, she'll turn a blind eye to it until the EA is brought to light and terminated.

this CAN be done, i haven't read all of your posts, so i don't know your complete story. is it possible for you to go to the bar with her, or do you avoid the bar for reasons pertaining to alcoholism? i don't want you to go if that's the case, but if not, just one night at the bar with her and her friends may lead you to see things a lot more clearly. i've seen quite a few EA's continue with the other spouse in the room, right under their nose when alcohol is involved.

i encourage you to do anything within your means to find the details of the situation and confront her with it, her family, and mutual friends. this is the stepping stone.

I don't think she would meet any of these turkeys but it sure does feel like I am coming up short. I do not feel safe.

It is my feeling that if I put my foot down, I will be the bad guy and the cartoon will be the light to run toward.

She does not drink. I drink at home, alone, in plain sight. I am drinking red wine as I type this response.

I would like to tell you more of my story but I do not know where to post it. I took a respondents advice and posted in a place where one of my deepest concerns was ridiculed almost hatefully.

There is no family or mutual friends. I have said before that I cannot be both the offense and the defense. I don't know what kind of man that makes me, but as a husband, I know I have to always be there as best I can. My emotions get away from me sometimes, but not too badly. I suck it up again quickly.

My wife is on the same boat. She really is pretty against any sort of help. She is against books, web sites like this, and going to talk to a marriage counselor. She is just too stubborn and feels like everything should come naturally. We have problems too, and people on this forum has told me she is probably cheating. But her resistance to getting help is for another reason - something in her personality. I know this because we have been together for 7 years and from early on I learned she was against these types of things.

I do think she could be convinced if the right buttons are pressed though. I have gotten her to fill out the EN/LB questionnaires for example. I think she just did them for my sake, but at least she did not flat out refuse. and i think if/when she comes around she will realize they are a good exercise to go through.

It's weird I think she might be willing to seek help/talk to someone for HER, but not a marriage counselor or something together.

Anyone have success overcoming this type of reaction?

Did she move out?