Yes I was up kinda late, but I am in Southern California so it wasn't as late as it looked. I just wanted to start working on my letter and once I got started I didn't want to stop.
Although still a bit long but i shortened it by 1/3. Took all your suggestions. Let me know what you think.



Dear Hubby Pooh,

This is the hardest letter for me to write. I love you so much and want our marriage and family restored. I would love the chance to repair our relationship. I miss our laughter, terrible jokes, the most retarded movies, tickle fights, and mid-night moon walks in the kitchen, many hugs , kisses and of course tears and struggles at times.

I know that I have not been a perfect wife for you. I know I did things that put a wedge between us. I apologize to you for my part in creating an atmosphere that helped you make your affair with the Toad possible. It was my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs and I failed to do so.

If we both work on our marriage we can fix it. It can work a second time it already has. Remember when we broke up in 8th grade and you said it would never work a second time. But look it did! We got back together in 10th grade been together ever since and built a marriage of 18 ½ years on a second time.

I know that the painful situation we are in now is just a symptom of the problems that existed in our marriage. I want our marriage to be a source of happiness and a place of safety and refuge for the both of us and for our children.

After almost no contact for over 5 months these last 4 weeks have meant so much to me to be in contact with you and to hear your voice and see you again -especially our trip to Disneyland. I want to be close to you even under this extremely painful circumstance. But now, it has become so excruciating for me.

The love I have in my heart for you is being damaged by the pain of knowing you are with someone else. I am not doing this to hurt you or reject you but I want to protect my love for you. It has become to painful for me to see you and talk with you while you continue your relationship with the Toad.

I want to create a new life for us, but I can't do that until you end your relationship with the Toad once and for all. Until then I will avoid seeing you and talking to you. I am still willing and want to be your wife, but only when you can be exclusively my husband.

Our friends Fred and Wilma Rubble have agreed to help make arrangements for the kids and finances. If you need to communicate with me they will pass the information on to me. I will assume the finances will be the same as you have so wonderfully provided so far.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate from you this way. I still love you I just cannot see you under these circumstances. I long for you and want you in my life more than anything. I want you all to myself and I know you know the suffering I have endured because of this sharing.

The door to my heart and back to the family is open as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from the Toad and (I will help you write a letter of no contact to her and send it) and then we can talk about what it will take to secure the future for our family, one in which we will never need to separate like this again.

I want to be your best friend and be the one who is there when you need me and I want you as my best friend. I loved you when I married you and love you right now. I want you in my life more than anything. I long to be with you and for you to hold me again and say hey little lady.

I love you with all that I am, Your wife,
Trying2live

very good letter


love this ~~~> "the Toad"

Hi Lil,

Yeah, and I had MelodyLane.

T2L covered the "no contact with me until the A is over," but in a less confrontational way in the last paragraph.

It was more subtle and much better that way.

Charlotte

T2L,

This one is really good even though it is still a little long. But all of the paragraphs are so good it would be hard pick and choose!

The only thing I would add would be something along this line:

"I am committed to our marriage. I believe we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have ever experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart and soul."

Charlotte

It's getting better.

IMHO, to be more effective.....let him know you AND your children miss your REAL husband and father.

RE: Do you really want a WS back? Really?

Also, your wants isn't at play here, it is the needs of you and your family that are paramount.

Project it as a letter being written in behalf of the wife and the family.

Brief mention of the care part. I would leave out how much you love him. He may think you love him as a WS and that w/b very confusing.

You are right to let him know this isn't about hurting him. It isn't about him at all. It is about you having to protect your love and your family from a WS, just as he would have protected his family from an intruder into your home. Let him know that the presence of a WS and OW are like thieves in your home.

For me I found it vital to show him in a split personality form. I let mine know that H was welcomed but WS was not. That I had to put up these boundaries because the WS in him was disrespectful of the family.

After I had let plan B go on and it had it's required effect, I asked the Ws to go get my H so I could tell him goodbye. It was a tearful event and even put him to tears. It was the beginning of the end of the A and still it took a while.

Effective planning and knowing your boundaries are key to your survival. Don't worry about hurting the feelings of a WS. They have none. Why? Because they also have no morals or love of family.

Work on getting your H back instead.

Hope this helps.
L.

You have some very good ppl advising you and anything I suggest, I defer to their advice if they think otherwise. I like your latest letter. I tend to agree that you should be as little confrontational as possible, because IMHO your H is really close to coming back to you. (So lil had ppl advising her to be more confrontational than Dancing did? That's funny. ) Anyway I have two comments:

1- I would change "wish" in the 1st paragraph to "hope".

2- I *might* consider saying something like, you are working on addressing the ways you fell short in the marriage, and you want to make those changes for yourself regardless of what he decides. But your letter is already long enough, so I'm not sure I'd add that.

You're doing a totally awesome Plan A. Don't forget to keep that up. My money is still on him coming back *before* PB starts, especially since he's already wanting to make Thanksgiving plans with you.

I bet that while you're doing such awesome Plan A stuff, OW is LBing him like crazy, making demands on his time, not liking him spending time with y'all, etc.

I don't think so... I think PB is going to have to be implemented first.

The shortest PB I've seen in my time here was Zuj (previously Juz), whose WH lasted about 2 hours.

Now my money is on a longer Plan B in this case - 2 hours is pretty hard to improve on, but I will be very very surprised if it drags on. You never can tell for sure till it happens, but WH is as good a candidate as any for a short time till surrender.

The chances that he will end this before Plan B are negligible. It could happen, but is not likely.

Can you explain a little more of what you're talking about? Forgive me, I'm a lil slow at times, but I'm hearing you I just need more detail in what I need to convey.

BTW did you reconcile?

Neak, you are probably right, you've seen a whole lot more here than I have. I admit I may be taking the long shot bet. But we can't all pick the same square in the pool, can we?

The important thing is, the odds are looking good that he *will* come back, IMHO.

Well, we could all pick the same square, but if we were all right we'd have to spread the pool awfully thin, lololol. And really, I hope you're right.

And we do both agree he will almost certainly come back. I'd bet a whole bag of mint Ghiradelli squares on it.

Gosh darn it I hope your all right!!!!

Well done with day 8. H came to sons football game sat with us. Took us to lunch for Mexican food and hung out for about 2 hours. Will be at the house tomorrow for son's actual bday. Small party with 3 mutual friends from church.

Talked a little on the phone in the evening abt bday presents. I miss him and that's the hardest part of this. HE kisses the kids and tells them he loves them. Wish it was me as well-I know-NO EXPECTATIONS.

Next Friday he is going to the pumpkin patch with us. HE wants to just jump in the car and drive and find one with out an agenda. I'm game! That's less time with OW.

I can do this. The more I see him the more I dread the Plan B. Don't worry though I've made up my mind, it's an absolute as I know he will eat cake forever and ever and ever.

Back tomorrow to update how it goes....Thanks for all your help guys!

this is true

Piffle. Your Plan B would've ended in 5 minutes or less if he could only have found you! :RollieEyes:

Poor planning on her part does not rob her of the record.

Well guys, I'm sneaking on. He's been here since 10:30 this morning its now 7:30 PM. He picked up son and took him for birthday breakfast and shopping trip. Then went by Lowe's for more stuff to fix around the house.
HE had brunch with the 3 church friends. Washed my car and fixed more stuff. He is now hanging out with son.

I'll update more when he leaves......

Ok he's gone. He spent the whole day here. How on earth is he doing that? How on earth is he explaining it to OW? How on earth is he explaining all this time? It's confusing. Anyways thanked him for washing my car and doing chores and for being here for my son.

So I ask him if he's going to make it out this way anytime this week and he says probably not as he is working away from the area(about 1 1/2 hours away). I say Okay we'll see you on Friday. Would you like to have dinner here before we go to the pumpkin patch, he says sure.

So we won't see him until next Friday. What do you think I should do this week being I won't see him. I have pretty much given a lot of admiration as much as I could, daily almost via email. Someone suggested laying back for a few days. He has seen a lot of us. What do you guys think?

Hey sent him a few responses to his text and added a few flirts. Is flirting ok?? I mean I can't exactly meet his highest need, so is flirting ok?

I think so. In fact believer once told me to try to refer to a particular event.
From what I've seen on MB some WS's seem to respond to flirting via text better than IRL

Orchid: Your plan B letter s/b written to the WS to show him your conditions of NC, to give him your boundaries and conditions to return.

You can mention in your letter how your miss your real H and remember the loving times together. That part should be brief.

Remember he w/b in the WS character when reading your letter.

Your H currently has a split personality. The turmoil he is suffering due to his A and selfish attitude is what he is trying hard to lay on you and the family. He wants you all to take his guilt and blame so he can pursue the A and all that goes along with it.

The questions for you now are:

1. Do you want to enable his A and selfish attitude?
2. Are you willing to settle for the crumbs of his attention?
3. Have you identified your personal and marital boundaries?
4. Are you ready to implement those boundaries?
5. Do you have a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience BEFORE you implement plan B?
6. Are you ready to handle his adverse reaction or lack of action to your plan B?

Settling for the 'hours or minutes' he may spend and the few chores he does for you isn't a good sign. It's bait.

In time you will reach a turning point where you will not settle for those types of attention crumbs. You will reach a stage will that type of action will actually anger you.

Why? Because that type of conduct (i.e. spending time with the family, doing chores around the house, etc.) should not be note worthy occasions. They should be the norm. That is his job, obligation and responsibility.

No one is patting you on the back for doing your part, are they? Then why should he get praised for what he ought to be doing?

I know this sounds harsh but when you go to plan B it should be because you have completed your plan A improvements, identified your personal and M boundaries and are now strong enough to move forward without the WS. It is your attempt to get back your H and NOT the WS.

So here is the final question:

Do you want your H back or the WS?

L.

I like your second draft. It's still kind of long, not sure what I'd cut though.

The only thing that bugs me about it (but you may like it and if you do then by all means leave it as it is):

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate from you this way. I still love you I just cannot see you under these circumstances.

The word separate might carry legal connotations with it. He might think you're filing for a legal separation. I'm not sure it would be a totally bad thing if he did - might make his heart drop to his boots. But if it were me (and it's not), I'd say something more like:

I ask that you please respect my decision to protect my heart this way. I still love you I just cannot see you under these circumstances.