I was referred to this forum by ****EDIT****, who tells me folks here know their stuff. He read a thread that I started on ****EDIT**** and suggested I tell my story here too.

Here it is:

I have been married for 23 years and have two teenage kids. I also have, or had, a mistress for two years.

I was not unhappily married when I began the affair. I loved my wife and she loved me, we're both good parents who have raised two great kids, and we were also very good friends. But two years ago, I fell for the OW. We connected in a way my wife and I never did, and it just kept getting better and better. Lots of laughs, deep affection and caring, incredible chemistry, amazing sex, and fantasizing together about a future.

My wife found out after a year and I swore to end it. I meant it, too, but maintained contact with the OW, and before long, we were back into the affair full steam. Two months later, I tried to end it again, but that didn't last more than a couple weeks again.

Then three months ago, my wife found out it was still going on, and she gave me one more chance to end it. This time, I meant it when I said it was over, and the OW and I began to wean ourselves off of contact. But I just couldn't let her go completely and, long story short, I left my wife and kids a month ago to be with the OW.

That lasted...one day. By morning, I had second thoughts and by the afternoon, I had written an email to my wife telling her I had made a mistake and wanted my old life back. She resisted, saying she wouldn't take me back unless I proved to her that I meant business this time. She insisted I end contact with the OW and seek therapy to try to figure out why I had an affair in the first place and what I really want.

I cut off contact with the OW, and for the next 10 days, I went to counselling and read self-help books. And I called and wrote my wife daily, telling her all about my latest insights. And I did think I had it figured out. I think I know why I embarked on an affair in the first place and I was sure I knew what I wanted. Day 11, she allowed me back.

Fast forward a few weeks now and I'm not so sure anymore what I want. I find myself thinking about the OW constantly. I subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, compare her to my wife in all ways. She made me feel so loved and so needed and so desired. She made me feel special. I miss her like crazy and crave contact with her again (it's been two weeks without). I know she'd love to have me in her life and I believe we could have a great future together.

But I know my wife loves me, too. We had 20 good years of marriage before the affair, and the fact that she has given me the second and third chances she has shows the depth of her love. And to be clear, she is not taking me back out of necessity; she is a strong woman.

She is also a beautiful woman -- inside and out -- probably the best person I know. But we don't click like I seem to with the OW. In fact, we never have really. While we've had a happy-ish marriage and have been best friends throughout, there has never been much of a spark. And now that I'm back with her, that seems more obvious than ever. Thus the constant thoughts of the OW and missing what I had with her.

In short, they're both amazing women in their own way, but the chemistry I feel with the OW is not there with my wife. I've read lots about romantic love versus enduring love, so I do know that the feelings in the two relationships are different, and that enduring love is what it's really all about. But I firmly believe my love for the OW would eventually mature into an enduring love and we would be very happy.

But this is more than picking one over the other. I have kids and I love them like crazy. When I left a month ago, I broke their hearts. When I came back, they were skeptical but have since become fully accepting of me. Looking at things now, I believe I went back home not for my wife but for them. I was devastated when I realized what I had done to them, and I wanted immediately to fix it.

For the past week or more, I've been entertaining serious thoughts of bolting again, this time for good. And it would be for good, because my wife would never give me another chance. As it is, she's already aware that I'm still stuck on the OW and is warning me to get over her now or she'll end it. Problem is, I'm terrified what that would do to the kids -- and to my relationship with them. Would they ever forgive me after damaging their trust in me once, repairing it somewhat, and then damaging it again?

I just want to be happy. Ideally, I want to stay with my wife, spare my kids the agony of a broken home, and hope that things will get better for my wife and me and that we'll be happy again someday.

But is that realistic, given the pattern to date? Will I ever get over the OW? Is it completely unfair to my wife to stay in the marriage for the kids and hope it'll get better?

I know everything I've written has been written in one form or another before, that these are probably cliched questions and circumstances. In fact, I hope that's the case, because I wouldn't mind knowing what others in this position have done.

Anyone?

I respectfully submit that you DO NOT love the OW in any way execept as a drug.

If you ever did feel anything for her beyond what she DOES for YOU, you would have NEVER regulated her to such a disgusting position in your life.

And if she every REALLY felt for you the way you think, she would have NEVER done the same TO you.

You two are emotional highs for each other.

Like any other junkie, you've re-written your history...including your marriage.

Your wife made you happy during your life...otherwise you'd have NEVER married her (unless her daddy was holding a shotgun to your head, or you gave her your cajones to hold in her purse).

You are in withdrawl.

It happens to ALL junkies.

Are you strong enough to learn about your drug and what it is doing to you and your RIGHTFUL family?

Just a warning...you better find a helmet b/c you are gonna take a beating!

"Fast forward a few weeks now and I'm not so sure anymore what I want. I find myself thinking about the OW constantly. I subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, compare her to my wife in all ways. She made me feel so loved and so needed and so desired. She made me feel special. I miss her like crazy and crave contact with her again (it's been two weeks without). I know she'd love to have me in her life and I believe we could have a great future together."

This is the same thing you felt for you wife when you first fell in love. When the newness wears off, you will have put your Wife and Kids through hell and be right back in the same position you were when you get into the affair.

"I just want to be happy. Ideally, I want to stay with my wife, spare my kids the agony of a broken home, and hope that things will get better for my wife and me and that we'll be happy again someday."

I would suggest you put as much effort into your marrige as you did the affair. The Affair is a fantasy world, not reality. Once it becomes reality teh newness and excitement and love will wear off. We have seen it here many, many times. I would suggest focusing your efforts on your Marriage. Tell your wife the things you told your mistress. Sneak off together away from the kids. If you put as much effort into your current marriage as you have put into the Affair, your marriage will be everything you want it to be.

Do you really want to look in the mirror every day knowing your walked out on your FAMILY? Not just your wife but your children also. Are you that selfish? Your children will never forgive you for it. No matter how much you tell them it is not their fault, they are only children and will internalize part of it. They will place blame on themselves no matter what you do or say. And then 2 years down the road, you will be in a regular marriage just like the one you are considering leaving but your xWife and kids will resent you for it. That you will have to live with the rest of your life.

Well ain't this just a fistfull of ****EDIT****.

****EDIT****.

Start by reading all the link on this web sight under the heading of "How to survive infidelity".

Tell ****EDIT**** I said hi. (That's my nickname for ****EDIT****)

Confoozed:

I am a moderator here. Please email me immediately. My email is below.

Listen to yourself. You married someone that there was never a "spark"? That is such BS. Go back to the time where there was a spark and bring it back.

Stop being a ****EDIT**** wayward husband and read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. Become a man and start honoring your vows. Honor your family, your children. Do you really want to marry a woman that has an affair with a married man? Do you really want your wife and children to say, My xHusband (My Dad) is a****EDIT**** who had an affair and ran off with another woman.

I was thinkin' the same thing TST.

If you aren't a ****EDIT**** I've got a REAL question for you.

If you are coming to a site called MARRIAGE BUILDERS do you really think the people that are going to answer you will tell you to chuck it all and run off to be with your STOLEMEAT?

C'mon now.

Confoozed:

First thing I'd recommend is a change in the title of this thread. [Edited out because unneeded].

2nd thing I'd suggest you do is read the articles on the main page here before posting. There's a lot of good stuff there that will answer most, if not all of your questions.

3rd thing I'd recommend is - well it's not so much a recommendation as a comment. ****edit****

I can't think of anything 2 say that you're not already reading over there.

good luck, you'll definitely need it at the stage you're at.
-ol' 2long

CF,

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer were arguing about what was best a wife or a mistress.

The doctor said a mistress was better and gave all his reasons.

The lawyer felt a wife was better and gave all the legalities.

The engineer says he has both, the others were scandalized by his remark, he says yea when I'm not with the wife she thinks I with the mistress, when I'm not with the mistress she thinks I'm with the wife, then I can get some real work done back at the lab.

Since your are not an engineer stick with the wife, this is best for your kids and your kids are the only legacy you really leave on this earth. And the only proof you ever orgasmed by the way.

Chances are your Mistress will someday attempt to drive a wedge between you and your children. Drive a wedge between you and her instead.

God Bless
Smooth

-----

I emailed you.

Hi Confoozed-

If you are really seeking help, you will get advice here from others who have been in your shoes and your betrayed wife's shoes (known as a BW here). It will be the truth-and it will most likely sting. Those 2x4's have a way of doing that.

But, you should know first of all that the one who sent you here doesn't have a very good reputation for "honesty" at MB. So there will be skepticism to say the least.

I will give you the benefit of the doubt right now and say just this-if you leave again you will completely lose your children's respect and they will never allow you to be part of their lives like they did before. You will destroy whatever is left of their view of you.

Oh, they will find a way to love you most likely, but it will always be with a bit of barbed wire around their hearts.

They will never think of you as someone they can depend on. They will never trust you with the real issues of their lives. You will become more of a "buddy"-as my OS20 son has said about his dad/my XH. You might not be invited to walk your daughter down the aisle (yep-my daughter's wedding). And you most likely will not be the one who is asked to go to a men's retreat (YS16 asked his grandpa and uncles to go with him) or other important events.

Basically, you will become a sideline spectator in your kids' lives. You will NEVER be able to make it up to them. Nor will they ever understand that it's better for you to be "happy" than be the man you promised them you would be.

Just FYI

First of all, my apologies for using the reference I did at the outset. The dude made himself sound legit. Apparently he's not so well respected after all.

As for the advice, thank you all so far. It stings, some of it, but I wasn't expecting anything different. I know I've hurt a lor of people who once trusted me and I know I stand to hurt them all again. I am just, as the name implies, confused about what I should do.

The more I delve into this, the more obvious it seems to me that this affair and my obession with the OW is as much an addiction as anything else, and that I am indeed going through some kind of withdrawls. I've never had to quit a habit before -- never smoked and I drink only socially and gamble very poorly (and therefore very seldomly) -- so I don't know what to expect. It's been two weeks of no contact and still I obsess. When does it finally begin to subside? When does it go away? Ever?

I have a date with my wife and MC a little more than a week from now. I am reluctant to do so, but I think I need to confess that I am missing the OW and feeling like I'm in withdrawl. I have been telling my wife I am over her -- and she basically says I'd better be or else -- but I'm not. Do I tell her and the MC? It seems to me I need to get it out there.

Confoozed, what if you could have those same feelings for your wife in an intact marriage that protects your family and your reputation? Would you be interested in achieving this?

I know it seems hard to believe, but we do have many people who began as you did who are now passionately in love with their own spouses.


Most affairees believe this, but I will let you in on a little secret: 95% of affairs FAIL within 2 years and 80% of those that make it to marriage, crumble in divorce. And they almost all feel the same way you do today.

Those are amazing statistics, wouldn't you say? You want to know why? The very traits that made the affair possible, dishonesty, selfishness and thoughtlessness eventually destroy the affair. The affair is a fantasy that is based on the absolute worst traits in a partner and once real life intrudes, it quickly falls apart.

This is a woman who would be eternally hated by your children, which would cause major conflict in your life, confuzed. There is no future here, friend. And be assured that that any woman who really loved you would not tear you down like that.

What if we could help you fall in love with your own wife? Wouldn't that be the best possible solution?

Will your wife come here so we can get her on board too?

Beautifully stated. Confoozed, men want to be real men. A real man does not walk out on their family. A real man buckles down and does what it takes to take care of their loved ones. A real man takes his vows seriously and does all he can to cherish the woman he made vows with.

One more thing to consider, confoozed. "If they do it WITH you, they will do it TO you". You and OW will never trust each other. Your relationship was built on lies and on the backs of people who loved and trusted you. Don't blow this chance your W is generously giving you on a fantasy.

You've just scratched the surface of what you're going 2 learn. Keep delving.


It will likely take many months 2 get through withdrawal, and possibly years for your marriage 2 recover, if it does. Any contact with the OW, of any kind, will start the whole withdrawal process all over again. Think about it.


Yes, you tell. Because right now you're lying through omission, and the na2re of this particular lie is all the more hurtful 2 your W because of what she does know.

You might consider requesting an emergency session sooner than next week. You could also call the Harleys for an appointment (Coaching center button at top of this window). They may be able 2 fit you in before that, depending on how busy they are right now.

-ol' 2long

Most importantly, have you ended ALL contact with the OW? And I mean ALL? Does she live close to you? Do you see her car? Does she work closeby?

You need to write a No Contact Letter approved by your betrayed wife today and send it to OW. Look up what it is on the site. You must crush the little teenage fantasy about the OW and go to no contact for life.

If you are unwilling to do that then you should give a no contest divorce to your wife, sign over the house and all other assets, grant her full custody of the children and disappear from their lives forever. Don't fight her,give her everything. You can take your clothes.

If you go this route, I recommend you check out life on a Cambodian fishing trawler.

Achieving a happy ending with your adultery partner would be the highest stakes poorest odds gamble of your life.

Did you read the stats on successful adulteries from Mel?

What could you lose?

- Your kids
- Your house
- Friends
- Lots and lots and lots of money
- 23 years of history

What could you gain?
- A short term relationsip with a proven adulteress you will never be able to trust.

Hello Confoozed. I admire your wife, she does sound like a strong person. I'd hold on to her, if I were you.