I found out that my husband of 9 1/2 years was cheating on me with a 28 year old woman whom he has known for 7 years. I found out through the other woman. She had been calling my cell phone and hanging up for apparently several months. Then she began calling and saying things like my husband was cheating and she was pregnant. The phone call were constant; she would call during the day and at night, even at 2 and 3 in the morning. I told my husband, but he chalked it up to be a crazy person. He even offered to take my phone to the cell phone store to change my number.(This was a red flag because he never offers to do anything like that, not even to take my car to be washed. So I put a block on my cell convinced this had to be a teenager playing a prank. (My husband has 2nd business and alot of teens work there.

Finally she left a message with he name and number. I told him what happened. At first he simply said that I should have changed my number like he suggested when I told him of the harrassing phone calls. I was devastated and in shock. I let him know that I knew everything and that he was a liar. I had a moment of temporary insanity as a matter of fact. I think I may have had a mental breakdown.

He called continuously and begged forgiveness. I did not want to hear anything he had to say. I felt that my marriage had been a big lie. I could not comprehend how he could betray and hurt me like this. I stayed at home with the shildren for the last 8 years and was wife, supporter, mother, housekeeper, secretary... He said that we haven't talked in years. But he was always busy, always on the phone, never there because of work. He is an ob/gyn who has a private practice with no partner. Well apparent he had a lot more time than I realized

Finally, a friend of his traveled from New York to talk with me. That is when I began talking with him on trying to work things out. I particularly chose to do this because I have two children, age 9 and 4, and I teach elementary school. Emotionally I felt as if my heart was drowning in sorrow.
Well we were being civil with each other for about a month. He gave me his email password and cell phone account pass word. I asked for this, by the way. I made an appointment to see a counselor as well.We had several discussions about the affair, but soon things were back to normal. I felt as if he thought everything was water under the bridge. I told him that I am trying to forgive but I am not frogetting and it still is fresh in my thoughts.

Well one night I went through his carrying bage and found another cell phone. I was again in shock. That night I left the house because I completed felt numb. I drove all night. He called my parents and told them what happened. By the way I never told him I fond the phone, even though he told my father I found it. He told my father he was going to give me his blackberry and had purchased another phone for himself. But he also failed to tell my father that the phone he purchased was from another cell phone company. The excuse he gave me was that I was constantly looking at his phone bill trying to look for information. I responded that it should not matter when you have nothing to hide.

Well needless to say, it has been 1 1/2 month and we are not talking although we live thesame house. I email or text message anything that I need to communicate to him mostly. The kids sleep with me and I keep the bedroom door locked. I feel that I can not trust him and he is a pathelogical liar. I have been comtemplating on moving into my parent's house because I am miserable and my 9 year daughter is probably going under a tremendous amount of stress. She does not know about the infedelity, but she knows we are unhappy. She has also commented on how he would not know aything because he is always on the phone or gone to work. She does not talk to him much. I often tell her to go up the stairs and tell her dad bye if we are leaving out. Its like she has no feelings toward him. He has not come to any school functions or soccer games. I have asked him to pickthem up from school at least twice.

I feel that now it is his turn to prove that he want this marriage and to be a father or not. I am completely at a lost.

Drswife,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. I take it from your post that you think your H is still with this OW or a new one? If so, you should visit the forum on Plan A/Plan B for help in dealing with this horrible situation.

Have you read all of Dr. Harley's columns on infidelity? Those columns, along with the ones on the basic concepts helped me tremendously.

Hang in there!

Being you are married to a doc, your WH can afford for you to call the Harley's.

When you have the money don't waste time with us hacks. Especoally being that your WH appears to be an extra hard nut to crack.

Harley? Who is that?

DrsWife:

I am a moderator here. I can move your thread over to the General Questions II board (under Infidelity) where you'll get more responses.

Just say the word.

drswife, can I suggest you hit the notify button and ask the mods to move your thread over to the Infidelity forum to General Questions 11? You are in the In Recovery forum and you are not in recovery.

I am sorry you have found yourself here. I see quite a few strategic mistakes that I think we can help you with, though. The first is giving your H the cold shoulder. Ignoring him is simply throwing him into the arms of the OW. I know it seems FAIR that he should fight for you, but you are not giving him much reason by freezing him out. That just makes the OW look more attractive, I am sorry to say.

I would take a hard look at Plan A and start that immediately. In addition, it would be very helpful if you would get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. It will help you understand the dynamics of an affair.

And most importantly, I would suggest phone counseling with Steve Harley, the son of Dr. Harley, founder of Marriage Builders. He can assess your situation and guide you out of this. He can tell you what to say to your H to bring him into the marriage again. He won't waste your time with alot of nonsense, he is worth every penny as he specializes in affairs.

Some good reading to get you started:

How to Survive Infidelity

A Strategic Plan For Newly Betrayed Spouses

Surviving An Affair

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

If you can, please move it to the infedelity thread. I am new to all this. Never posted before.
Thanks

Welcome to MB. I hope you keep reading here, because there are lots of things you can do to turn this around.

Plan A is the starting point, which is showing him what a great wife you can be, with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

I know it doesn't seem fair, but that is the starting plan.

Do you know if he is still in contact with the OW?

Plan A also includes exposure of the affair to your kids, his family, his friends and your friends, and anyone else who may be able to provide some input.

drswife

Please listen to the advice Melody is giving you. I was in too much shock to think clearly, and did not do a very good job in the initial phase of my wifes affair.

I must say that I understand the process better now and I see the wisdom in it. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had just followed the advice from the experienced posters.

You are hurting. You are not sure what to do, so post often and listen to the advice of the more experience posters here. They have seen it a thousand times and can help you see through the fog and the pain you are experiencing.

Good luck and sorry you are here. You have access to a lot of very good people here so use the resource.

God Bless you and your family.

Well believe or not my DH is trying to spend more time @ home lately. He is also checking in when he is not at home. But I hate to say it, I'm not sure that I can really trust him still.

Nor should you. He has not proven trustworthy. He has to earn that back. Dr. Harley is the founder of marriage builders, author of the books, and a marriage counselor. Button at the top says meet dr. harley. click it to learn more.