My spouse of many years confessed to me that she had sex with another man 2 or 3 times about 15 years ago. I did not know that this had happened. I think I have a clear picture now of when this happened and there are several mitigating circumstances. Like, 1) I was not a good husband for 14 years of marriage - drinking, porn, not being supportive; 2) she wanted a separation and divorce; 3) I was 3 months into a plan A when we separated; 4) it was one week after she moved into her place that she had sex with another man; 5) one after that we were repairing our marriage.

She has been a model wife the past 12 years and I think she is really sorry for what happened. She has answered my questions but usually turns the conversation around to somewhat blame me and make me think that I deserved it.

I really want to forgive her but am having difficulty. I feel that I am not really worth much (because she cheated) and that I have to be perfect or she won't love me (not rational), etc.

These thoughts consume me at times. Any help would be appreciated.

Bob

Just because the A happened 15 years ago for her doesn't mean that you need to be over it today. For you, the A just happened. You need time to process, to grieve, to recover, to rebuild.

There is NEVER a good reason for an A. No matter what you were doing or not doing, she was wrong to go outside of your M. So try hard not to internalize any guilt or blame. Yes, I think that there are things that we as BSs are responsible for, but the choice to have an A was hers. And it was wrong. No matter WHAT.

I am nearly 9 months out from the last d-day in a series of d-days that exposed a 3+ year A my FHW had. I am JUST NOW starting to think about forgiveness. And I don't expect that it will happen overnight. It happens a little each day.

You say that your W was a model wife for the past 12 years, but by lying to you all these years, she has effectively negated those 12 years. How could you not question those years as well. You cannot point to those years and expect yourself to forgive her because she's done so well for so long. You need to work through this from today on. The past has been changed for you. None of it matters...only now.

Keep reading here and posting.

MS