I disagree medc. I have no doubt at all that I would never engage in an emotional affair with someone else or a physical affair with someone else. That's what he trusts me not to do and his trust is perfectly safe.

And quite honestly, there's no need to be personally insulting to someone you will never meet over a computer now, is there?

PS - out of curiosity - do you often feel powerless?

Well you just keep posting your thoughts on here while you are doing that then.

I just hope you don't teach your children that the way to parciticpate in a discussion is to pass off personal insults at the person you are discussing something with when you have run out of anything coherent or sensible to say to them.

Well you are somewhat misdirected in calling it a strong sense of entitlement. What it is, is a strong sense of trust and faith in his feelings for me and his commitment towards me.

But if you want to believe the worst for someones future - you go ahead and do so. I doubt it will bring you any real joy though.

Honey, my joy is not contingent on anything you say or do. And in fact, you may have missed where I said if an "open" marriage would work for you and hubby, I'd applaud you.

That said, I notice you DID ask him if he'd prefer that you end contact with this man. He said YES.

I also note that you said you would feel the same way if the shoe were on the other foot.

So far, so good.

I worry about you, though, when you say you know it is going to be hard not answering the phone when that married, flattering man calls. I worry that you are hooked in an unhealthy way, for all your assurances to the contrary.

Why don't you try it and see? I do believe it will make you (and hubby) happier and more successful together.

LaFire, The 'relationship' you have with your OM is the same type of 'relationship' a vulture has 'keeping company and friendship' with a buffalo going through a very dry, waterless desert. The buffalo thinks the vulture is 'keeping him company, being a good 'friend' and encouraging him through the waterless desert. The vulture of course is simply trying to get the buffalo into an area that it can't get out of and will then have it's way with the buffalo...

What your OM is doing is called 'trolling'. He puts out many, many lines of flattery to many, many women and is patient enough to wait until one line gets a bite...

After he has his way he will be off to the next "sucker" nibbling at his flattery...

It has been said many times the biggest insult a married man can pay a woman is to think she would sell her virtue for as little as flattery. That she could be bought so cheaply. It is nothing more than substituting flattery for the usual cash basis....

My wife was a victim of just such a man...my own brother. Don't think for a moment that you are immune to his advances at a weak moment.It will wind up costing you everything that you hold dear.

Hope you will take a moment and consider what some really wonderful people are trying to do. They helped save my wife and I from a situation just like this where she started down 'the slippery slope' toward adultery from a situation very similar to yours... We are now trying to recover from what should never have happened...

God bless.

Jim



.

I do agree with you there. I think in the circumstances you are right, he's not a friend. He was definitely a friend to me once upon a time and a part of me really clings on to that - because he was a genuine friend at a time in my life when I was grossly unhappy. When he first asked me out I was VERY vulnerable. I turned him down AND explained what had happened to me and why I was as unhappy as I was at the time.

He COULD have gone after me full throttle at that time but he didnt - he backed right off and only acted as a friend. He didnt start the sexual pursuit again until after a year had gone by and I had very much recovered from the lows I was in.

And a part of me really valued and appreciated whatever integrity he had in him to enable him to back off at a time when he knew I was the most vulnerable and ONLY be a friend to me at that time. And so a part of me feels a lot of affection for him in that sense - in the sense that he gave me his friendship when I needed it and didnt try to take advantage when I was at my lowest.

BUT - that said.. now it's probably time to move away from that and realise the man has no more positive influence to play in my life - especially given the way he's been pursuing me. He hasnt backed off even when at times Ive told him that I avoid direct contact with him because of how uncomfortable he can make me feel.


I think you are right. It is better to be careful, isnt it?

It's just really not worth risking even a little.

Lunch was fantastic - I just wish it could have gone on all afternoon!

You're right. It's not worth risking even just a little.
You've got a man who adores you, and letting this friend go will go miles toward growing his love for you even more.

There isn't anyone here who's posted to you who doesn't wish you a long, happy life together.

Thanks Jim - I think your quote about selling ones virtue for flattery was a really good one - put in that way I can see that what is flattering in one sense is not at all flattering in another.

I'm afraid I think there are very few "really wonderful people" on here. From what I see many just throw around personal insults and say spiteful things predicting the worst for someone which seems to be what their deepest heart desires (or perhaps fears for themselves) and I can't describe that as "really wonderful" but there are definitely a couple of you on this thread who have been great to talk to.

I agree that there are things such as moments of weakness when you are not in your usual mind and things can go very wrong if there are opportunities that you have created to allow them to go wrong.

So you are right there.

Alright well I think what I will do when I see my phone ringing with his name on it is to remind myself of your quote - that the least flattering thing a man can do is to t hink a woman will sell herself out for flattery. THAT will take the flattery aspect out of it and remove all reasons for taking the call.

THANKYOU - THIS REALLY HELPED

Thanks, righthere. I wish you the same!

OK, I see the problem now. I misquoted you by quoting exactly what you said and didn't reference it properly to MB concepts.



See the full article HERE

I get it it now. You haven't read anything on this site and so don't buy into the ideas being presented.

Look LaFire. I did not attack you. I did not call you names. I did not suggest you were not intelligent, please don't pull the holier than thou crap on me. You haven't earned the right yet to judge my motives.

You are talking like a fool. You keep going in circles. You say that OM is only out to get laid and that you aren't deceived by it and know that's what he wants but you won't cut him off because he's too good of a friend.

You say there is no affair, even an emotional affair and yet you admit you can't give this guy up. Sounds like an addiction to me. And if you'd stop trying to pick a fight and actually pay attention people might be able to help you with that, but you're too busy running other people down and trying to gaslight everybody into believing that you're just some poor innocent girl who has a friend who is a minor jerk and you don't want it to effect your relationship with your future husband though you think you should be able to hide things from him because he doesn't have the right to know...

Aw skip it. You probably won't read anything I type anyway, since I'm not telling you what you want to hear...

Lady (term used loosely) you have no clue what you are doing to your future. I'm sorry I offended you in some way because you really need to hear what is being said to you, but if you won't listen, I can't help you and neither can anyone else.



Folks. I have a suggestion. Not telling anyone how to post or who to post to, just think this one might be too far gone even for me and I'm the champion of lost causes around here.(And anyone who knows me knows I mean this in the kindest way possible.) This one doesn't want help. Let's leave her alone. She can call out to us when she's actually ready for advice.

Mark

AGREE..

Mark,

I'm guessing while you were crafting that last post, LaFire was responding to a couple of people who seemed to be able to say what we all meant in a way she could hear.

She intends to let go of the friendship that is no longer serving her well because he fiance asked her to.
I know she frustrated us all because we could see the danger she couldn't. But it looks like she (and her adoring fiance) are going to be all right.

I just hope she reads the basics, maybe reads His Needs Her Needs, and TELLS him about her need for admiration. It's one so many of us share, and there's nothing wrong with it, as long as the admiration comes from the right sources. May they never take each other's love for granted.

RWH

PS: LaFire, we might not all have said what you wanted to hear, or said it the way it was helpful to you, but believe me when I say, these are ALL good people here. Best of luck to you, girl.

Remember this, LaFire -- what you just wrote above here. It sounds like you have a very trusting and caring fiance. This "friend" is back on the prowl and has been since you recovered from your lows. Kind of shows his true motivation now, doesn't it? Fine that he was there to help, but he's back to his selfish ways and it's good you recognize that. He makes you uncomfortable now and that's an instinct you need to pay attention to. You may never sleep with him, you may never respond to him, and you may never flirt with him again, but he could make your life miserable just the same, especially since you work together. That's why we're all recommending you do no contact. If that's not possible because of the job, you do have to set very clear, strict, boundaries and make sure he and you stick to them. Tell him you're on a new path, you can't have the relationship you've had, and keep taking lunches with your Darling. Move on with your fiance, you true friends, and and make your future the best one possible with trust, truth, and love. Take it from me... Your marriage IS what you make it.

All the best.

Thanks Looking - that sounds like excellent advice. Lucky for me I don't work "with" him - I work in the same industry - and it's the type of industry where paths cross a lot - and we COULD work with each other - either co-incidentally OR on purpose. I've turned down the requests to work together (even though I'd have made a lot of money out of it) but won't be able to avoid any co-incidental work we are on together. But that's ok - it's possible that will never happen and even if it does I've reached a state of mind now where I'll no longer feel "unable" to keep a firm distance and keep things professional, not friendly.