Hi Everyone,

I am new to this site and really need help. My husband and I just got married 3 months ago, but we are fighting so much. We have been dating long distance for 6 years and are finally living together in the same state. I'm 26 and he is 29. Lately after being married, we have been arguing all the time. What our biggest issue is where to live. Currently we are in AZ. We met in AZ, his whole entire family lives here and my family used to live here but they have all moved away. When we first met, he said he wanted to live in AZ his whole life. I was young at the time, about 19 and I was naive and wanted to make him happy so I said that it was ok. He went to dental school in CO and I went to dental school in MD. After going away to school, I felt like my eyes were open and didn't want to move to AZ to start our life. I kept telling him that, but he said that he still wanted AZ and that we would make it work. Well, to make a long story short, after we got married, we moved to AZ. It has been 3 months and I'm the most depressed I've ever been. I'm a very happy and outgoing person, but being here maked me so depressed and have no desire to go out or talk to people. I feel like I have "been there, done that" here in AZ. I lived here for over 8 years now. I'm so depressed, I cry all the time and have so much anxiety, I can't eat at all because my muscles are so tense I can't swallow food. My husband can see that I'm depressed and says that I don't make an effort and give him and AZ a chance. I say that I have already given AZ a chance, I have experienced it for 8 years. He says I won't give him a chance. Plus he says he doesn't want to move away from his family of 5 brothers and parents. I'm also sad because I am away from MY family . I'm a city girl and can't stand being here in the suburbs. I feel like he isn't even being compromising and seeing how hurt, sad, and depressed I am. The main reason for AZ was his job, but now he is quitting that job. He is not budging and and thinks that if we move, it is my way and he won't get his way. He thinks I'm taking him away from his family. Is there a way to compromise? We are both dentists so we don't have jobs that allow us to live in places for a few years and then can pick up and move another few years. We are going to have to eventually open a practice and build patients. How do we compromise and get through this major issue? Any help please. We are at our breaking point.

Thank you!

This is really sad Given that you didn't sort this out before you got married I think your options are somewhat limited!

Maybe you can come to a different sort of compromise. You agree to live in AZ but your husband agrees that all holidays are spent with your family or wherever it is that you chose?

Or your husband agrees to doing something that's going to increase your happiness level - but NOT moving away from AZ.

I really don't think you want to force him to move away from AZ. If he agrees then he's likely to end up being the one feeling depressed and miserable and resentful that you took him away from his home and family - and you wouldnt want to create that sort of a situation would you?

I think your husband has to put you first but putting you first doesnt mean abiding by your every wish (and I don't mean that in a harsh way at all). If your location really is affecting your mental health and you CANT get passed that then yes I do think he should move for you - but I really think you should TRY everything you can first to find happiness in AZ.

Are you seeing a therapist about the depression? Maybe you should do that first?

Try finding a mediator who can help you work through your issues. It may be that you hadn't spent enough time discussing your distinct needs and expectations before marrying, and that you may be incompatible.

That said, it sounds a lot like you are determined not to like 'his' choice. Are you sure this is really the issue? When people make a choice for a partner as early as 20 years old, they often find themselves changing as they mature. Maybe the real issue is that you are not in the marriage you want, that you are just in the marriage you expected to want but are resentful of being stuck.

Gosh, two dentists, you've got the world by the tail. I suggest you agree to try Arizona for at least a year. Your husband did tell you that he wanted to stay in Arizona.

Also sounds like you need some anti-depressants - you are newly married and this should be a happy time.

I think where to live is just the tip of the iceburg.

Hope you will check out the emotional needs section and see if he is meeting your top ones and if you are meeting his top ones.

What about exploring other parts of Arizona that might suit you better? Even Arizona has a wide variety of towns and geographic environments, Sedona vs Flagstaff vs Phoenix.

Three months? And you're at a breaking point?

I've moved a lot in my life and I don't think you even give any place a chance after only 3 months...I think 1 year as a minimum.

I agree with some of the other posts....sounds like something more is going on other than geographic location.