The prep was no fun. The procedure was.......I don't remember a thing about the procedure. That was some nice anesthesia.

Done.

But he doesn't want to rock the boat with his wife, the X's sister.

Hey, I won't do that. I promise! But.... I will let Dave Barry do it!

A 2008 column by Dave Barry, surely one of the funniest writers around... And besides, he's right!



OK. You turned 50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons:

1. You've been busy.

2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family.

3. You haven't noticed any problems.

4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt.

Let's examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let's not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your ''behindular zone'' gives you the creeping willies.

I know this because I am like you, except worse. I yield to nobody in the field of being a pathetic weenie medical coward. I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. It's much worse when I come into physical contact with the medical profession. More than one doctor's office has a dent in the floor caused by my forehead striking it seconds after I got a shot.

In 1997, when I turned 50, everybody told me I should get a colonoscopy. I agreed that I definitely should, but not right away. By following this policy, I reached age 55 without having had a colonoscopy. Then I did something so pathetic and embarrassing that I am frankly ashamed to tell you about it.

What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It's an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ''Whoa, I better find out if I contain any of these things,'' and you get a colonoscopy.

If you are as a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. So I went to Miami Beach and crawled through the Colossal Colon. I wrote a column about it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also urged everyone to get a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the Colossal Colon, signed a pledge stating that I would get one.

But I didn't get one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was practically a member of Congress.

Five more years passed. I turned 60, and I still hadn't gotten a colonoscopy. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my brother Sam, who is 10 years younger than I am, but more mature. The email was addressed to me and my middle brother, Phil. It said:

``Dear Brothers,

``I went in for a routine colonoscopy and got the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. We're told it's early and that there is a good prognosis that they can get it all out, so, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of course they told me to tell my siblings to get screened. I imagine you both have.''

Um. Well.

First I called Sam. He was hopeful, but scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ``HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!''

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the [censored] the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.

''You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

''Ha ha,'' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking ``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . .''

. . . and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.

If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn't have known. And by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as ''really, really boring food.'' His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.

Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn't-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here's the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don't. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don't have cancer, believe me, it's very reassuring to know you don't. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.

I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don't mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.

But even if you don't want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don't put it off. Just do it.

Be sure to stress that you want the non-Abba version.



©2008 Dave Barry

I even have the photographs to show I was there!!!!

NO PHOTOS!!!!!!!

No photos?

So that probably means you all won't want an update with pictures on Friday of my hysterectomy and gall bladder surgery on Thursday?

Ok you guys will probably pull a 2x4 out on me but...

Saturday night went and bowled, Kevin (Bowling guy) was suppose to bowl with me but could not get off work, so daughter bowled and we won $15. Went to Purdy's afterwards and a friend was sitting with Kev's new girlfriend, introduces me to her as Miss Dawn the ISS lady from HS. So talked to them for a few minutes. Friends leave and I am playing video poker til Mike's is gone, some guy comes over and sits down next to me and starts talking asked if I was winning, said nope but it's only a buck!!! He then asked if it was ok for him to be sitting there, I said yeah I guess, and I look up and Kevin is standing at the bar staring the guy down. He leaves, Kevin walks over and I said well you could of showed up sooner if you were gone scare him off! I asked "Why did you do that?" "Do what?" I said "Stare him down?" "I thought to myself here we go." We were interupted and he didn't finish.

I could've handled the whole situation on my own, but wasn't allowed to! What does he think he's doing?

I have tried to dis-tangle my self from Kevin and have done fairly well, we bowl together on Sunday nights and that is usually the only time that I see him, unless I happen to go into Purdy's, but he has never done that before, usually doesn't acknowledge that I am there! So why stare the guy down?

I don't get it!!!

We had a blizzard Wed/Thursday with now school on Thur/Friday, no school today for conference comp time and no school tomorrow for Vetern's day. I will work on Wed and have surgery on Thursday and then have a week or so off! I could get use to this!!!

My daughter heard Conan OBrien say last night that SD had a blizzard that covered the whole state, and that was the last thing SD needed was anymore white!!!!!

Oh yeah. #5 Grandson Andrew Jay made his appearance 2 weeks early on the 29th of Oct. he weighed 8.5 lbs, doing fine, was just holding him a little bit ago!!! They smell so good!!! Everyone at work kept asking that day if I was leaving work and yada, yada I said no this is # 5, it's just not the same as # 1. Besides she was a c section and by the time detention was over she was back in her room and could have visitors.

So that's it for about the last 2 weeks!

Dawn

MEN!!! I still don't get 'em.

Dawn, I'll be glad to exchange peeps at pictures of our true inner selves.

Congrats on the baby. One of the finest things in life is to get the neck sugar from a happy baby.

Dawn,

Kevin shows signs of passive-aggressive tendencies. This should not be a deal-breaker as long as you realize this and have a strategy to deal with it. His act of staring-down his opponent is a sign of possession, i.e. desires to possess you in some fashion or another and doesn't want anyone else trespassing on his turf, so to speak. To put it in high school terms, he likes you.

Since his overall approach seems to be passive, you must be the aggressor. You know that I often argue that women aren't bold enough. I am a bold individual, but not all men are and you evidentially have one that is low in boldness. I suggest that you ask him out and you plan all details of the date. You might always be the leader in a relationship with him, so consider if you want the dominating role in a relationship or not. It would not work for me, but your mileage may vary and your goals may be different.

I am always available to translate man-speak/man-actions into terms that you can comprehend. I have often thought about building a universal translator that would translate one gender-speak into the other and vice versa.

Good luck with your surgery, my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Dutch

Cind,

I will never forget a couple of years back my oldest daughter had knee surgery and before I could even see her the doc came out with photos in his hands of the inside of her knee and explained what it was he had done with it, I am like yuck could I just see my daughter please!!!!!

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers both of you!!!

booka you would make a million if you could create a translator between the genders!!!!

I have been the leader in the ongoing saga of Kevin we have coached bowling and taken many trips with the kids with me setting up hotels, driving, deciding were to stop, were to eat, all he had to do was plant his butt in the passenger seat till I got tired of driving!!!

This year things changed, I am no longer in charge of the kids bowling, our kids have moved to adult leagues, he is still helping and asked if I would help him, so I do. But that is the only time in our 6 year history that he has asked for anything from me with the exception of taking his son if he got deployed. I guess not everything changed!!! Will have to think about that!!

There is a neat Christmas train ride through the Black Hills in the evenings the week before Christmas, it would be so cool!! So how do I go about asking or suggesting to him that we do this? Do I invite the current girlfriend to go with or how do I go about saying "So are you and so&so still together?"

Hey I got the dining room finished this morning!! Now I have to do the curtains!

Dawn

Dawn,

So you've been partners in managing a bowling league and you took the lead in everything related to the league. Now would you have an expectation beyond friendship just for that? I'll posit that you did a fine job with the running of the league and hopefully that alone didn't scare him (if he was scared by that, how interested could you be in him anyway?). There must be something that attracts you to him. Consider that you will need to take the lead romantically as well in no uncertain/ambiguous terms. I will say tongue in cheek that if your ran a date like you did the league, it may have a positive effect. I'll take a guess and say that you're both opposite personalities. Now I've said my say on that and my advice is worth what I am paid for it, which is nothing.

Be bold, plan and execute a real date on the train ride, do not inquire or invite the GF, she is just a placeholder in his life because evidentially he feels possessive enough of you to chase of the competition. With your charms I'm sure that you'll outshine the current GF.

Just to be perfectly clear on something, I have no curtains in my house, all 2" wood blinds (white), I don't like curtains/drapes etc., I call them dust-catchers. This is my personal preference and I'm sure that your curtains are lovely.

booka,

Been there done the blinds and to me those are the dust catchers!!!

I was not always attracted to Kevin, I thought he was a geek at first. He was married when I first meet him, it was 2 or 3 years into knowing him that his wife cheated on him (I knew her as well) and handed him papers as he got off a plane from deployment.

One of my daughters has always bowled with his son. It was after the divorce at some point, that an attraction was formed, I believed that it was mutual. Am not sure, he is one of those guys that has to help damsels in distress,(that is so not me) and so a few of those passed through his life. I also kind of represent "Good girl", family, church, homemade pie, Sunday dinners with the family, grandkids, those settled down things. He is still wanting to be the bad boy!!!

I am the one person that sees under the wannabe bad boy. I could go on with the many things that attract me to Kevin. You mentioned opposite personalities, whatever we do together we compliment each other at the task though. He is great with my mom and I love his mom. We go to coach kids or adults, we've done some work in the community together, we show the best of the other. So yes we don't like the same music, that is a definite opposite! Him and my kids go to concerts together, they all love him.

I don't know my mom has always said the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach. I love to cook and bake and many times Kevin has benefited from that, but about 2 months ago I cut him off, no more cookies or dinners, I was tired of being used per say and nothing in return, so Sunday night I had extra cookies from the blizzard baking and took to bowling and he said "it's been a long time!! Thanks" I also baked lemon cake for his son's birthday. So as a guy having a lady friend do those types of things for you, what do you think when she does that?

You need to remember I am also pretty self sufficient, and probably a little to self confident at times. He was at the house a while back when I was patching drywall under the window and he made the comment as he left, (I probably would've smacked him) "wow you really do know how to drywall." I am kind of forceful as some people say, others will flat out tell you that I am bossy. Either way though I am not mean, I am the person that gets things done. I don't know if that is what scares guys off or not!

So give me a line or a plan!!!!! Others help!!! I know what I want for Christmas and it's not my two front teeth!!!!

Dawn

Dawn,

Did you explain to Kevin at the time why you were cutting him off from the meals, etc.? If not, you could be viewed as supplying him both a mystery and some passive-aggressive behavior.

I have yet to have a lady friend cook me anything, but I personally feel that whether eating out of eating in, there has to be some reciprocity.

There is being direct, then there is being forceful and bossy. I prefer directness and feel that a partner of candidate for a partner would never be forceful and bossy with me. I'll bet that it does scare guys off. Some people wave their independence as a flag to show just how much they really don't need someone in their life and how secondary that person would be. While that kind of relationship may work for some, it will not work for all. Most men want women to be women and not act like men. I feel that it's a better approach to be quietly competent than to broadcast that you can do it all.

I'm sure that you're a wonderful person who is very competent. If using the same approach does not produce the results that you desire, than a change in approach is required. Maybe with Kevin you need to lighten up a bit and let him lead for once after firmly planting the idea that you would like to see him in a romantic fashion. Don;t think of it as reducing your capabilities or any of who and what you are, think of it as a strategy to get what you want.

Every situation will require different tactics.

booka,

thanks for the words of wisdom!!! I will look at the situation and make some plans, Kevin is out of town visiting his son and I will be layed up for awhile!!!!

Dawn

Let's see, it's raining cats and dogs here, cloudy all day, started in the 50's and is supposed to drop all weekend and perhaps some white-stuff flying around in the sky tomorrow. We have had a real fall for the most part after an easy start.

Tonight I'm off to University City, the most bohemian part of The Lou', and to The Pageant for another concert, one of several I'll see between now and Dec 26th. That's if I don't add a few, I browsed several that I was interested in that I have not bought tickets for already (I've already booked 4). Tonight it's a bunch of guys from other bands that get together a few times a year to play Led Zeppelin music. They bill themselves as "Celebration Day", with the reference being obvious to a Zep fan. Since there's no opening act and it starts at 20:00, I'm hoping it will end at a reasonable time so that I can get so time in at The Dog later in the evening.

The rest of the weekend is the usual chores, projects, and potential opportunities. There's a good band at The Dog tomorrow night and I really hate to miss a band-night there. I believe this weekend is the start of the gun-portion of deer season, which usually means that the women turn out at the bars which only naturally increases my dancing opportunities. I'll have to pop into work for a few hours Sunday afternoon (what a royal bummer!) to swap out 2-servers for new ones. Hopefully I'll be done with that sometime in December.

Stay warm if you have to and have a great time out there with special wishes to Dawn and Cinderella (hope that your procedures went well and that you recovery fully with a perfect prognosis) and to Laura, my political peer. Congratulations again, Laura, the champagne will be on me.

Well, everything came back benign or normal!!! I am a happy woman!

Plans for the day -
go pick up something at the frame shop
go pick up a book I ordered for daughter's thesis
go see mom
go see if I can buy a toilet

Congrats, Cinderella and Dawn. I didn't know about that. I've been a bit out of it recently.


So, I know this is a "weekend" thread, but what am I going to do on Tuesday night? Wednesday I'm going to the knitting store and sitting and knitting. That will fill up one night without the kids, but what about Tuesday? I've decided, for now, against a greif group. NOthing anyone can do, and I really don't want to hear more about what I'm going through. I'm not a "joiner" really. Committees and meetings just exhaust me, and I end up leaving the group. I'm not ready to start redoing the house, which I expect will come. I could go to yoga, but that will mean releasing some of the control over my emotions. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that either.

Something new perhaps? Something you've never done before? Something devoid of any kind of memory, just to give you a break from that. Nothing permanent mind you.

Hey everybody!!!

GG, this thread has become a catch all thread, we talk about a tone of stuff!!! So just jump in with whatever!!!

You like to knit, what about knitting mittens for kids in need? I know that when I crotch I don't like doing big projects, so thought that maybe the mittens would work for you and then you would have an outlet for them maybe set yourself a goal! Just a thought!!!!

Ok I am fine surgery went well, did too much over the weekend and am stuck to the chair today, literally, probably should've put long pants on before climbing into the leather chair!!!!

I had this awesome update written, to include a Kevin update with some advice needed!!!! But I am on daughters laptop and I lost it, so am waiting for her to come home so she can find it for me!!!!

2 more days at home and then I can go back to work!!! I am bored and this is not good!!!!

Take care, Cind glad to hear everything went well for you too!!!!

Dawn

I'll try that. I'm knitting a shrug right now. It's a deep purple, so perfect since I refuse to wear any bright colors. If I have to be a widow, I'm going to BE a widow. At least for a while. The problem is I'm also still afraid to be alone. My emotions are tightly wrapped right now, and being in the house without him isn't appealing. Actually, it's scary. Usually, I'm one for sucking it up, but I think for another week or two, I'll run away. Last week I went to my MIL's home. This week, I'm going to my mother's. Safe places to cry, but I'm not utterly alone.

However, knitting mittens seems like a good plan. Short, so you need to pay attention the entire way. It was supposed to snow today. Nope.

Mittens for kids in need sounds like a good idea. It was good for me to go to the orphanage when I was down. The kids are always joyful to see visitors and I forget my misery when I see they have lost even more.

Continue to seek strength and comfort in God, GG.