I am 39, DH 45, together 21 years (married 14) three kids ages 13, 10, and 3. I've suspected something for months, but I just didn't want to believe it. My DH has been friends with our neighbors for about 3 years. We went over there once every month or so at first, but they drink, and I suspected they were swingers and I just stopped going with him about a year ago because he started going over more and more often. I really thought it wouldn't happen, because he took the kids with him a lot of the time and I knew her DH wouldn't let her have another partner if their wasn't someone in it for him. A few months ago my 3 year old came home and told me Daddy kissed Jodi on the mouth. Of course he said it was innocent and when I heard a voice mail from her saying Love you I was told she says that to everyone (even her DH said that and thought it was no big deal) the final straw came when I called him on his cell 5 times and he didn't answer and I called there house and she said he's not here and when I called him back he said she thought he left because he was using the bathroom and that her hubby was watching a movie with them. I was outside watching their house and told him to come home (which he only did because I told him I locked myself out) and on went there bathroom light and it was like a lightbulb went off over my head. TMI, but I made him drop his pants so I could smell him and sure enough he had just washed himself (always does after sex) he denied everything and was almost desperate to go back over there, but the next day agreed to only going over a few times a week. I researched finding out if your spouse was cheating and learned I could see his cell phone records (I didn't realize you could erase just one number at a time) and found they were constantly calling each other. I knew he had to confess if he was going to stay away from her and after 5 hours of arguing he finally did and promised to have no contact. I told him I was going to tell her DH and he didn't warn her (she handed the phone to her DH when I called)
Despite all the things he's said to me the last months, he swears he's sorry and loves me. I really do think he's been feeling guilty, because he's been steadily drinking more and more the last 6 months since it started. At first I was so relieved it was finally over, but now I'm so hurt and angry. I don't know how to get past this. What do I do when I don't need plan A or B? Moneys tight, but is it worth the telephone counseling with Dr. Harley? Can anything help? Any and all opinions and advice welcome.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

So how long has it been since you found out?

And were they having SF with her HUSBAND in the home? YIKES!!!!

Is there any way that you can move out of the neighborhood?

I found out for sure early Monday morning. He went to a concert with her and her DD (I refused to let my DD go)Sunday and I did some hard digging while he was gone. I literally refused to let him sleep asking him questions. I finally broke at 4 in the morning and said I can't forgive you if you don't admit what you did and I left the rom crying. Instead of going to sleep like he'd wanted to all night, he followed me to the living room and after another 1/2 confessed to once and eventually confessed to 6 months (which I really think is true). Yes they did it with her hubby in the next room sleeping. DH always did like the excitement of sex in public places when we were young and I guess it gave him a thrill. There is no way we could move. He's actually done more work on their house in the last 6 months than he has on ours and now ours has a lot of things needed to fix it up. We couldn't rent for what our mortgage is either and our house isn't far from being paid. Thank you for replying.

It will be hard to recover with them living so close.

And your husband can have no contact with either of them ever again.

Have you talked more to her husband?

What did her husband say when you told him?

I told her husband and he was shocked also, but I don't know why when he let her f### anyone who let him have their wife (apparently his back went out this year and he stopped that, so I guess my husband was convenient. He told me if he found out 3 months ago when he was depressed, it would have been a murder suicide and he refused to promise he still wouldn't do that. I went a little nuts this morning when I went to get my youngest from preschool and saw her pulling out of her driveway at the same time I was. I tried to catch up to her but she must have seen me and drove like a bat out of he77. I was so pissed that I tried calling her cell and on the third try I told her if she wouldn't answer I'd go to her work and let everyone know what a slut she is. Then I called her work when I got home and asked her how long she'd been f###ing my WH, she said I can't talk and hung up. She then called her hubby and he called mine and told him if I didn't leave her alone he'd go to his work.

I could make trouble for them. A few weeks ago she and her hubby had my 13 year old DD sign a contract agreeing to keep their secrets and her hubby told my DD that he would keep her secrets too (his example was if she became a prostitute) When my WH acted like he could care less that they did thios to his DD, it was just another red flag for me. I also know they make copies of DVD's which carries a heavy fine and prison. I'm making sure my WH doesn't have any of these and I'm throwing any I find away. I am so angry that I've thought of reporting them.

I would do a police report on them asking your 13 year old DD to keep their secrets and he would keep hers. YIKES!!!

I hope you have told your daughter what happened and warned her to stay away from them.

You knew/suspected they were swingers but let your H go over to their house regularly? Why?

OWH's is probably in on some three way action and sounds like a real POS himself. You need to put on your big mama [censored] kicking boots for bringing that sick crap around your daughter...kick all their asses.

I found out they were swingers way after WH became their friend when another of DD's friends mom told me her and her DH experimented with them out of curiousity YUK. After knowing them for while, they did reveal they were nudists, but I made it clear we weren't interested and they never brought it around us. Her DH is a bullying, prejudiced [censored] which is why I finally couldn't stand being aroound them anymore. I knew he wouldn't let her have her fun if he didn't have a woman for himself and he's extremely homophobic based on comments from him so I really thought it was safe. My concern was really the amount of drinking he would do over there. It was like his own personal free bar and in the last few months he started drinking hard liquor and coming home drunk all the time. I really feel (and he told me) that the guilt was eating him up.

I got some angry today and his reaction made me realize that I need to concentrate on getting points in the LB or we don't have a chance. He was ready to leave saying we just can't get along anymore, but when I calmed down and talked to him he became so much more receptive. I promised him that I would only talk about the affair in counseling (1st one Friday) and that I would work on meeting his EN and he agreed to work on mine.

I tried to say earlier, but my computer crashed...please take your daughter to her doctor and have him/her check for evidence of sexual activity. You just have no idea the depravity that can go on under everyone's noses. And no matter what - report them to the police. Get a record started on them. They are not safe around your daughter - or theirs!

My DD and I have a very open relationship and I am sure nothing happened, but I'm not sure he wasn't setting the stage. She and I both have not liked him for a long time and she usually stayed away when he was anywhere around (he works out of town a lot). The minute I found out about the contract they weren't allowed around any of my kids and WH knew I was dead serious about that. I talked to a friend's DH who is a cop and he said that nothing could really be done. I've seen how incredibly nasty this man is to another neighbor he is feuding with and I don't
want my kids exposed to that. I honestly am hoping and praying that they move soon (say a prayer for me). They've been talking about moving to the nudist colony in 5 years, and I hope this moves up their timetable. I really think if I don't forget my revenge fantasies and concentrate on filling WH's EN, then I'm going to end up divorced.