In recovery and doing OK, now 8 months since D-Day. Since FWH worked with OW he got another job in another state in order to keep our family together. He moved there 3 weeks ago. My kids and I will join him in January after we wrap up things with the house here. My teenagers are taking it hard they do not want to move. But a move is easier than a divorce on them I know.

But now that I can think "somewhat" logical at this stage. Looking back now.......I wish I had done a lot of things different after D-Day, but who is ever "prepared" for it anyway. I wonder if we should have seperated to give us both time alone, even though it was not finicially possible then. All the fighting we have done, that got out of hand many times. There were days then and now, I just wish I didn't have to LOOK at him.

With my H gone there is an over PEACE in my home and within me I have never felt before. I finally have the tome on my own that I have needed from the beginning I think. And I know some of it has to do with the fact that they no longer work together.

I have friends who have been BS and they say if you stay with them you will always still "wonder/question" what they are doing and who they are with and if they are telling the truth. To be honest now, I have not given him my whole heart again, which is foolish in my opinion. We have gone through a living HELL the past 8 months. I love him but it's a different kind of love, not passionate at this point. A kind of Love that required me to stay so I can do the right thing for the fanily to stay together.

Sometimes I look at him and am repulsed sometime I feel sorry for him to have made such a fool of himself for the OW.

My questions is this.....does that passionate love ever come back or is it gone forever? If that's the case are we set up for another A????

Please advice......

Lynnlee,

I don't have any advice for you in regard to your question but I do in regard to your teenagers. If I were you I would get them into either IC or family therapy when you move or even start with someone now where you currently live and find someone to transfer to once you move.

I have a friend whose parents moved when she was in HS and to this day she is effected by it. Be proactive and help them with the transition so they don't rebel.

Moving can be very hard on any child, but they say it can be especially hard on teens.

LC

LynnLee, separation is not good for the marriage after an affair, [or any other time because it increases the risk of divorce] because it increases the temptation of renewing the affair. If your H is withdrawing, he will be greatly tempted to call the OW, and he will be FREE to do that. You also cannot work on your marriage if you are not together.

The affair happened because you were emotionally detached and separating only adds more harm. Dr Harley recommends never spending the night apart again, because it is an invitation to an affair. Recovering from an affair requires not only withdrawal from the OP but a solid REESTABLISHMENT of the marriage. That is contingent upon getting 15 hours of undivided attention PER WEEK. That is what it takes to rebuild a marriage.

Yes it does. By living together and spending 15 hours per week meeting each others needs and avoiding lovebusters.

Well then gosh..this just hit me the wrong way. I feel like I just cannot win on this board sometimes. You all TOLD ME AGAIN AND AGAIN....if they are still working together no one can heal, and it's to easy for the affair to rekindle, no contact means no contact and I agreed. Now that I have stood up and done something about it, forced him to get another job in another state NOW you tell me we shouldn't be apart, the chance of a rekindle is too high with seperation. Well hell....what else am I supposed to do? We HAVE TO SELL THE HOUSE AND GET MOVED WHICH WILL TAKE 2 MONTHS AT LEAST.

I am TIRED of having to WORRY ABOUT "you better do this and I better do that or he will start it (the A) up again" Who[b]wants [/b]to live like this CONSTANTLY having to worry about my husband cheating again. [u]He's an adult like me. I should not have to babysit him, I already have 3 kids - two being teenagers.

I come to this board for support and it would be so nice to hear something positive or READ something positive once in a while.

I have now read everything the Harley's have written and yes I agree with most of it. According to my FWH, he's so embarrassed and guilt ridin for his sin and hurting his family so much he can hardly function. I do not want to have to make demands. I want him to GROW UP and be a man. Like I said I already have 3 kids.

Lynn, do you think it would be "supportive" to mislead you into thinking that you can recover a marriage if you do not live together or spend time together?

I don't consider that "support" to tell you something that I know is not true. I am sorry you didn't want to hear that, but we would be remiss if we didn't tell you the truth.

If you are interested, here is what Dr Harley recommends: here

You wouldn't have to worry if your marriage was affair proofed. And that is what we have tried to help you with. Affair proofing a marriage means spending every night together, living transparent lives, and falling in love again. THAT is how a marriage is protected from a repeat affair or a relapse.

Liken it to a recovering alcoholic. If he is serious about not drinking again, he avoids activities and situations and places that will trigger his desire or cause him to be vulnerable. You already know your H is vulnerable, so why place him in risky situations?

((LynnLee))) I hear you, I do. And I think that moving was the lesser of two evils so if those were the two choices you were faced with (continued contact vs moving, H going ahead of you) I think you did the right thing...at least what I would have chosen too.

That being said, I think members here are obligated to let you know when you are in a danger zone, and if you do the research, you will see separation is very risky (I kicked my H out d-day and after coming here and being warned about separation, I did the research and it scared me). Is there any way you can join your H quicker than Jan?

Please don't stop posting. I remember your earlier posts and it does sound like you are doing better... It's so rocky in the beginning. Hang in there.

The best case scenario would be to find a way to go with him. This doesn't have to be an either/or proposition. It might be more convenient to stay behind and sell the house, but that convenience comes at a very high cost to the marriage at the most vulnerable time.

I have a very solid, good marriage that is years into recovery and I can attest to the fact that spending time apart during the week is extremely hard on even good marriages. Last year when my DH and I were in the process of a transfer to another city, I was hoteling it 3 nights a week and every other week my H would come with me. Even THAT was a terrible strain on my marriage.

Her marriage is in critical condition on life support.

Lynn, I am not pointing this out to you to make you mad [you also got ticked at me when I told you the marriage would never recover if your H continued to work with his OW] but because we have been through this and RECOVERED. WE KNOW what works and what doesn't work. My idea of support is to help you have a recovered marriage, not to find the easiest, softest way.

Lynn,

I think some wires are being crossed here. Separation to "find ones self" or to "think about things" especially during an A or when one is in withdrawal is a bad thing.

However, the separation you two are going to have is necessary because he has done what he should, leave the job. You two have teenagers that cannot be moved at the drop of a hat, and probably a home that needs selling or at least packing and moving from.

I personally don't view this as a problem. Ideally we would all live 24/7 with our spouses and an A would NEVER occur. It is not an ideal world. You have done well. Your H is leaving the job, you and family are moving with him. This is ALL GOOD.

I am sure your kids don't want to move and leave friends. I sure didn't but I went to three HS, and 14 schools altogether before I graduated from HS. Yes, my father was in the military.

Not only did we survive, but my siblings and I learned many important things that have stood us in good stead over the many decades since leaving school.

I think your doubts and worries are very normal for this time of recovery. Usually about 6 months or so anger starts to show up in the BS. Somewhere between 7-8 months to a year, the reevaluation comes: "should I have really done this?" "Will the marriage ever be what I need?" "How will I ever trust him/her?" all of this seems to be a pattern seen on this site.

You are doing well. If you and your H stop the LB's and you both are of good heart and spirit, there is every reason to believe you will find the happiness you have had before, and perhaps because you both are "sadder and wiser", the relationship will deepen. The "innocence" is gone. That is the sad truth.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL, while I do agree that there are different reasons for separation, I will only point out that Dr. Harley is quite explicit that traveling overnight away from each other is "an invitation to an affair." And this is someone who is in WITHDRAWAL from an affair in a crippled marriage. I have no idea if she had no alternatives, but it doesn't sound to me like she explored that since she is enjoying separation. So, I will just post Dr. Harley's words on the subject and let them speak for themselves:

Dr. Harley:
Dr. Harley:
I will stop posting to her, because apparently this information is unwelcome, but Dr. Harley's words need to be posted. I would much rather tell her what she wants to hear, but I don't think that is helpful to anyone.

ok, I lied, just one more post, because I remembered how Steve Harley handled a similar case with one of our board members, NZJ. Her H, a WS, had ended his affair but worked in another city all week and traveled home on the weekend.

Steve had NZJ, the BW, travel WITH him to the other town, and they came home on the weekends. She went WITH HIM whenever he left.

Steve was adamant about that. This was a temporary situation until he found another job or his transfer was approved. The purpose of this was 2 fold: to prevent a relapse during withdrawal and to recover the marriage.

They have 3 children, a 9 yr old and 2 teenage boys. I believe the children were watched by close friends and relatives during the week.

So, there might be a way if there is a will.

over and out!

Thank you for your response. He left the job for ME, although I told him it was for him too. Neither of us could fully heal and move forward with him seeing her everyday. Personally I DO NO want to move I felt it was the less of two evils. there are things with the house I have to take care of - repair type things - we DO NOT have the money to pay someone to do. So, I am getting relatives to help with free. I cannot leave yet, that the bottom line.

Your innocense comment is honest and painful and VERY true. My eyes are open now to all the evil in the world, the work place. I never knew A's happened as much as they do as often as they do in the places they do. Yes, I am wiser but sadder, a sadness and anger I cannot seem to shake. Friends say "just look forward, don't worry about the past" when the past is what I think of 24/7. I want my life back so bad. I know it takes time and I am still in the early stages.

My H still gets irate if I bring up the A, so I just stopped bringing it up. He feels like we are moving to another state and now he has done his part it should not be brought up again.

He has refused counseling, "it's a bunch of BS and a ripoff moneywise" he says.

Gosh, this is so hard. I am happy one minute and crying like a baby the next, he just cannot handle it. I think that is one reason he may have went ahead and moved so he would not have to deal with my emotions anymore.

NO, you better NOT stop posting to me. Just because I may be storrborn doesn't mean you stop. A lot of what you have said makes very good sense. Listen, let me be honest here, pour my honest open heart out to you so you will know exactly where I am.

TO this day my FWH still will not tell certain details I want to know about the A. I agreed to move because I thought "it was the right thing to do" I HAVE SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME FROM FAMILY, CHURCH AND FRIEDS to keep the marriage together at all costs - which I KNOW you are not supposed to do.

I feel as though it's the right thing to do - TH CHRISTIAN THING TO DO. Not put my kids through a divorce. The truth is my FWH took my smallest kid the the OW house on several occasions. THAT MAKES ME SICK. He involved my precious child in his sick sin.

Somtime when I look at him I am repulsed. He is addicted to Rx medicine and amphetamines. My shrink said the problem is the addiction first then the affair.

I don't want to stay with him. I am doing it for everyone else, not me. The thought of him and that whore make me sick. The had sex is the OW house while her husband was out of town on business - what kind of man does this?????? The one who sits with me in church every Sunday - come on I'm repulsed.

He called her 300 times per month. How pathetic is this. Who wants someone who calls them that much. come on. He has ISSUES HE needs to fix. NOT ME.

OK, Melody Lane....where do we go from here.