Last night my fiance and I found out that there is a chance his mother may have cancer. It's still at the stage where tests are being done and we don't know if she does or not - or what stage its at.

His mother doesn't know that we know. His mother didn't even tell her husband until just recently (and she's known a couple of weeks) and his mum doesn't want anyone (including us) to know. She's a very strong person and I don't think she is at all comfortable with feeling vulnerable in front of other people or receiving what She might perceive as "pity". I can guess at some other very selfless reasons as to why she doesnt want anyone to know as well.

I really like my fiance's parents and they have always been more than good to me. When I found out I was a bit shocked and instantly sadenned - first for her, and then for her son and husband. Her husband is really shaken by it.

What's got me needing help - is my fiance's reaction. I don't understand it. I think perhaps he has convinced himself that she'll be just fine. I dont know. But he's not at all expressing much worry about it. When he first heard he looked fairly down and there seemed to be hints of tears in his eyes but he got over that quickly and is acting very "normal".

Now that part is fine. Everyone deals with things their own way and takes the time they need to to come to terms with a possible situation and the fact is theres a chance she may not even have cancer so I don't have any issue with him remaining positive.

Personally I've just been as affectionate as I always am and have expressly let him know a couple of times that I'm here for him in every way and love him very much.

Now.. this is the part that bugs me.

My fiance is really annoyed at his parents because they have been pointing out what they perceive as issues with the house we have just decided to buy. I think all their "issues" are perfectly valid. None of the issues cause major problems but they are all things which I think we do need to acknowledge exist and decide to proceed regardless. I have no problems with them pointing this stuff out at all. My fiance is livid about it. He perceives them as being really negative. He says they arent going to live there so they s hould shut up. He's been really angry with them about this issue in the last week and I can tell he has NO intention of cooling off about it now that we've found out what his mum's going through.

We both really love the house. It's unusual architecture and we fell in love instantly and its the first time we loved a house like that in all this past year of searching.

On the weekend, when his mum raised an issue he shouted at her. His dad has asked him to not do that anymore because of what his mums going through. I dont think he understands how important it is that he's nice to BOTH of them because they are BOTH going through a tough time.

I dont understand that. He's 98% of the time an incredibly gentle thing. He's insanely affectionate with me and gentle and sweet and extremely loving. In the past when we had arguments he used to really raise his voice (which I dont do) and I told him it was unacceptable to me and gave him a book on anger. He read it and since then, if we fight (and its rare) - he makes a time out sign - instead of yelling - we take a 20second breather from each other - and then we ALWAYS stop the argument and go back to loving-mode. The time-out thing works a charm.

But with his parents - he still does the shouting/lose-temper thing.

I know he loves his parents and I know he feels a huge sense of obligation and loyalty to them - but I don't think he's necessarily "emotionally close" to them, if you know what I mean.

Anyway sorry for the stupidly long post. If anyone is still reading - can someone please explain to me:

a) why he doesnt seem very upset to hear the news about his mother; and more importantly

b) why he doesnt understand that its really important that he not yell at either of his parents right now; and

c) why he's more concerned about our house and wedding than he seems to be about his mum (perhaps that is just denial)

All very common reactions. If you don't want to deal with something, you don't. But then when something else comes up (the house), you put all your emotions into that something and it ends up wrong. He's trying not to feel because he's scared. Understandable. Do you have a preacher/pastor you can go to? If not, maybe you can find a counselor of some sort you can visit. Tell him that you need help dealing with it (though I would wait until you have definitive results). Make him feel safe to be vulnerable around you. And around his parents.

Thanks catperson, helpful advice.

Two things.

First, it isn't for you to decide what type of relationship he has with his parents. You are not even his wife yet and you are trying to control him.

Second...and more important...have you told your fiance of your active affair with a married man?

***edit******

great question, medc, the advise for this isn't well taken is it?

I do feel so sorry for you poor, hurt, bitter victims of infidelity. It must be really hard for you to see other people happy when you are so miserable.

That's not helping you heal though, is it.

You poor things.