Hello Everyone<P> First of all I want to thank god for this place. I don't know about all of you but this place has given me so much hope when things look so dark. I want to ask anyone especially the betrayers or one who have made it threw how do you think I am doing ad what should I be looking for.<BR> I know that it has only been 1 month now but this month seems to be the longest in my life. Still don't know which way is up but I keep going anyhow. I have been working on plan a very hard. I have not made a single comment about what she has done. I have started talking about my feelings. & Asking her to share hers. I try not to push if she does not what to talk. That's hard I would love to know what she is feeling about us but I know I can't push. I do see little signs now & again but little comment she makes sends me fall back to the floor and I have to pick myself up again. We have started dating one day a week (she is still at home with me) usually Friday. When we were at dinner she told me she thinks it would be easier to be a dike at least she knows how women think. She added that sometimes IM just to overwhelming with my problems. It set me back the rest of the evening. She could tell that something was wrong but when we got home she thanked me for a nice evening. <BR> Sunday I felt we had a good day the kids where gone at a party so we had a couple of hours to our selves. We ran some errands then I asked if she would do some marital games from one of my many books. She agreed as long as they did not get too heavy. So we did them together for about forty minuets. Most of her answers at first were very distant & superficial towards the middle when we disgust our dating days & our wedding day she lit up &told me what made her happy & that she knew that I would always be their for her. We still go to church together every Sunday & she holds my hand. I don't ask any more about why she wont tell me that she cant commit to try & make things work. Because the last time a week ago I asked if the reason she wont commit is because she is holding on to him incase we don't work that she can go to him. She said that I do know that he OM will be there for me. Then I asked why do you tell me then that you are trying to break the bond with him (they work together & see each other every day that sucks.) She has told me that I don't try to see him & try to avoid him but at times I do miss him very much. Our counselor has told me not to ask anymore about how she feels that it will only hurt me she needs to work that part out on her own. So I try to put these things out of my mind. & Pray that she is telling me the truth this time. But I never knew about it before so am I being a fool. We are still making love a couple of night a week I gave her body messages & read to her at night. We have backed a cake together and spend a little time playing. Putting ice down each other's paints putting flour on each other & having a laugh from time to time. But every morning when it's time to go to work I give her a hug & a kiss tell her that I love her & have a great day. She tells me to have a good day I only here I love you after the day is over. Never in the morning I do know why but I hurts a lot. Please give me any Comments on how you think I am doing<P><BR>Thanks to all of you and may your dreams come true for you.<P><BR>Big Hug's to who ever need's then or just need to talk let me know<P><BR>LotsofHope<P><P>------------------<BR>

Lotsofhope: You are at least trying to keep the fires going even though you are the betrayed. If you get a chance, read my post "Not sure what to do" I think it is on page 4. I am the betrayer and I only wish and hope that my spouse will come around. I commend you for working on the relationship. All I can say is give her some time. If she has not left by now, she maybe experiencing confusion. Don't smother her because she may back away even more. Eventually she will find out where she is at in her life and hopefully realizes that sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. Winter does come. I know there is still love in her heart for you, it's just blocked by blind love for the OM. I know I have never stopped loving my spouse even though during my angry blow ups, I told him I did. (If only I could take back my hurtful words) My prayers are with you. Hang in there and every now and then, do something nice for you. I took myself to see a movie yesterday. "The Story of Us" Of all movies to see. I cried the whole time.

Lotsofhope,<BR>It sounds like you are doing the right things. I too am "dating" my w, but she is not at home. Your scenairo sounds like it can work for you. You are doing things together, making love, and just spending time together.<P>Since my w moved out, she has to work more and now is almost working full times on the afternoon shift so our time to be togther is limited. We went out Fri nite and took the kids out on Sat. Then I went up to her work last nite and had a quick supper(20 mins).<BR>She called twice today, 1 to talk to the kids and me and then once just for me(thats the first in a while!).<P>This week we have joint counseling and she coming tommorrow to care for the kids so we are seeing each other. But there is still no commitment from her. I"ve told her I love her and forgive her. She has appologized for what she has done to me but it didn't seem heartfelt, it was as though she incovienced me. I may be looking for too much in this respect though.<P>Just hang in there, and keep up the Plan Aing. It just takes time.

Hello Sobeit<P> Thanks for your comments. I like herring what goes threw the minds of the betrayer. My W right now does not talk much about how or what she is feeling. I don't know how to spend my time not thinking about us. I am still in shock even 4 weeks later. I sometimes what to believe that this is a nightmare & I will wake up soon. I pray to God hundreds of times a day to help lift this burden from me. Help me make it threw another day. I don't want to crowd her but I also don't want to ignore her. She said that's what got her in this mess. Is that she no longer felt special or that I needed her? Boy was she wrong. She said that she tried to talk to me about this for a long time. Not OM but our problem. As my best guess she has been seeing him for about two month's. No sex but kissing & deep desire's to have sex with him. Ouch that hurt. What is the best thing for me to do at this point? I don't want to smother her. Thanks for your comments. I will continue to pray & hopefully God will answer me some how. Thanks again for your time I hope that you can work yours out. I just keep waiting to here her say that she loves me & doesn't want to loose me. We can work this out I will be here as long as it takes. Those are my dream words. <P><BR>Thanks again Sobeit<P><BR>Hug's for you & hubby, please don't stop trying.<P>LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Lotsofhope: I won't give up if you don't. I maybe able to give you some consolation. It took me a while, but I realized that the only one I truly loved was my spouse. It just took a mental slap in the face. The funny thing is that it was by my own hand. I am sending a "new post" because right now I am not doing well and I need to find something to do. Have a good evening!

LOH - you're doing just fine. Remember, her withdrawal could take a long time, particularly since she works with OM. Just keep showing her love and support and let the little things (and you really do have a lot of them, believe it or not) keep you going. <P>It's hard, but the work is worth it. Vent here, cry here if you need to. It's a long hard ride, but it does get easier.<P>Best of luck to you.<P>Lori

Hi there!!!!!<P>Just dropping in to say Hello and check up on you.....<P>You've already heard me enough!! LOL!!<P>Hang in there,<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

How are you doing? I think most of us here would love to be in your shoes. I think you are doing great! <P>Sounds like you know what to do and what not to do. Being playful with one another is great. Hearing "I Love You" is fantastic - I haven't heard my wife say those words in a very, very long time. dating is great - keep that up. It sounds like your communication is going well. <P>Keep doing what you are doing. You'll get there. <P>SHA

Hello LotsofHope,<P>I am the betrayer and I work with the OM. It's the hardest, yuckiest, most awful time in my life.<P>First of all, your W is still there with you. That is truly wonderful. Secondly, she seems open to you, and that's good too.<P>I know it hurts to wait for her. My H had to wait three weeks while I made up my mind. I decided to try to work it out with him. He thought those three weeks were hard, but I'll tell you what. The months following (it's been four) have been harder in a way. Here's why: During those three weeks he was fighting to hold on to me. I wanted the OM. The pain on both sides was understandable. During the last three months, we both SAY we want each other, but we cause each other loads of pain anyway. It's almost harder to take. Here we are holding on, and we are in SO MUCH PAIN. What's that about, we wonder?<P>I think you have so much going for you right now. It sounds good to me, very hopeful. Maybe because she's really thinking about things before she commits back to you, it will be easier when she finally does. I honestly think it's better in the long run if the betrayed takes their time to be sure of the decision. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>